Restoring Trust. Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D., SATP-C

      5. Acting-in or sexual anorexia. Some people, in an effort to cure their addiction, completely eliminate sex from their lives. They become asexual. This is not healthy because God created us to be sexual beings, and having a healthy sex life in marriage is good. The best way to understand acting-in is to compare sexual addiction to an eating disorder:

      Being at either end of the scale is not healthy. Sexual anorexia or “acting-in” is little more than white-knuckling it and usually doesn’t last long. Eventually the addict will fall back into his old behaviors, which leads to hopelessness and despair.

      6. Denial and delusions. Some people never seek help, or they give up trying to get better. They may fear strong moral judgments from others, or rejection. Often it is shame that keeps them from seeking help or persevering in recovery. Some may try to justify their behaviors with excuses such as “I was lonely” or “My wife never wants to have sex.” These attitudes are fueled by selfishness and anger. Addicts try to minimize their problem and may even talk themselves into believing it isn’t that bad. This is delusion.

      7. Rigidity and blaming. In a desperate attempt to stop their behaviors, some may look for strict formulas to follow. This often leads to rigid thinking. If they could just find the right formula, they could be cured. Often this leads to a religious/behavioral plan: there’s a right way to do things and a wrong way. This doesn’t solve the problem, but it can lead to self-righteousness and blaming.

      8. Relational difficulties/intimacy disorder. People addicted to cybersex often have great difficulties in relationships. Because of early life traumas and shame, they struggle to be vulnerable with other people. They live their lives by five faulty core beliefs:

      1) I’m unworthy of being loved.

      2) If people really knew me, they would reject me.

      3) I can’t count on anyone, even God, to meet my needs.

      4) I must find something that I can control that will meet my needs.

      5) Pornography is my greatest need and source of comfort.

      Because of these core beliefs, pornography addicts are unable to be truly intimate with others. This is why we often refer to sexual addiction as an intimacy disorder: addicts are self-medicating their craving for intimacy with pornography.

      9. Rigid and disengaged, or enmeshed boundaries. People who struggle with addiction often come from families with unhealthy boundaries. Those who grew up with rigid and disengaged boundaries enjoy the freedom of not being tied to anyone, yet they can also feel extremely lonely. They may appear to be popular but have few close relationships. Keeping people at a distance and avoiding accountability allows them to maintain their addiction. Those who grew up with enmeshed boundaries appear to have close intimate relationships, but this is an illusion. They end up in relationships with codependent people who need them and/or are willing to take care of them. This can also lead to feeling overwhelmed and lonely.

      10. Sexual ignorance and confusion. Most addicts are totally unaware of what healthy sexuality and intimacy looks like. They have not had a healthy and adequate sexual education, and healthy intimacy has never been modeled for them. Many sex addicts were sexually abused as children, leading them to equate sex with love. The wrong messages they received about sex, love, and intimacy often lead them to use pornography to acquire the love and intimacy they so desperately desire. (Adding to the problem, when sex is portrayed as dirty or forbidden, it can become more appealing to young people, especially, which contributes to unhealthy views of sex.)

      11. Cross addictions. Rarely does a pornography addict struggle with just one addiction. Many struggle with multiple addictions, such as food, nicotine, television, social media, video games, gambling, etc. Often their other addictions are to socially accepted substances, such as food or television. This makes these addictions harder to identify. And addicts often cycle through addictions. When it appears that they’ve overcome one addiction, they simply pick up another. Ultimately, they do this because they have never identified and resolved the root causes of their addictions.

      12. ADD/ADHD. People with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) tend to be more susceptible to addiction. This is because they can be very impulsive, and their brains crave neural stimulation — something pornography provides in unlimited amounts.

      13. Depression and anxiety. Addicts are known to struggle with both depression and anxiety. The depression and anxiety may be the cause or the result of pornography use. Either way, pornography and masturbation are often used by addicts to regulate their moods. It lifts them up when they are feeling blue and calms them down when they are stressed.

       It’s Rarely Just Pornography: Related Addictive Behaviors

      When couples come to me for help, they often claim it’s just for pornography use. However, most people who struggle with pornography are addicted to multiple substances/behaviors. Often, as discussed above, the substances are socially acceptable, such as tobacco, caffeine, food, television, shopping, video games, etc. While socially acceptable, these behaviors can also be very damaging to an individual and a marriage.

      Furthermore, pornography addicts may be addicted to other sexual behaviors, including:

      1. Lustful Fantasies

      2. Masturbation

      3. Strip Clubs

      4. Massage Parlors

      5. Porn Shops

      6. Phone Sex

      7. Prostitutes

      8. Anonymous Sex

      9. Social Media Sex (Cybersex): chat rooms, web cams, sexting, etc.

      10. Exhibitionism

      11. Voyeurism

      12. Fetish sex: leather, rubber, shoes, etc.

      13. Violent sex

      Regardless of whether they are socially acceptable, these are all sinful behaviors. Any of these behaviors also should be addressed as part of the recovery program. Often people who are addicted may give up pornography use, but still struggle with one or more other addictive behaviors. The tough reality is, these people are not really in recovery. They have simply turned to another substance/behavior for self-medication.

      To highlight this reality, let’s look again at Dan and Patricia from the previous chapter. In addition to pornography use, Dan’s addictive behaviors included frequenting strip clubs, eating, watching television, and playing video games. It was a bit of a shock for Patricia and Dan to realize how much time he spent escaping through these unhealthy behaviors. It made Dan realize how difficult he found life. He carried many fears regarding his opportunity for success at work, being a loving husband, and being an effective parent. The weight of all his responsibilities was often unbearable. So he escaped into fantasy worlds to cope.

      Reflection

       What other addictive behaviors have affected you and your marriage?

       Shame as an Obstacle to Healing

      One of the most difficult obstacles to overcome for both pornography users and their spouses is shame. In order to understand shame, we need to distinguish it from guilt.

      Guilt is an emotion that focuses on actions. This emotion convicts us when we have done something wrong and compels us to apologize and make amends. In the Old Testament, Nathan confronts King David about killing Uriah, and David experiences guilt. This leads David to repent and be reconciled with God and the people of Israel