Restoring Trust. Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D., SATP-C

because of their addiction, but this does not mean their wives have lost their beauty or desirability. Excessive pornography use conditions the addict to only be attracted to the actors in porn — people who really don’t exist in real life. Their addiction has caused them to lose their ability to appreciate the beauty of a real person.

       Myth #8: If he (she) would only stop using pornography, our life could get back to where it used to be.

      Many spouses view recovery as simply ending the pornography use and getting back to where their lives were before the problem was discovered. However, pornography use usually started before the marriage. For many people, pornography use began in childhood or adolescence. Now obviously, in any marriage, both partners need to be healthy to have a healthy relationship. If one or both entered into the marriage unhealthy, they cannot have a healthy marriage. Thus, if the pornography user was addicted prior to the start of the relationship, the marriage was never healthy to begin with. In other words, having a healthy marriage does not mean “going back to the way things used to be.” It means forging a new and healthy marital relationship. While this can be hard work, it can also be exciting. Now the couple can work together to create the marriage they’ve always wanted.

       Can You Heal?

      The answer to this question is YES! It will take time and patience. If you are the spouse addicted to pornography, you will need to immerse yourself in a comprehensive recovery program, and be totally committed to your program. In addition to overcoming your addiction, you will need to put in the work to heal your marriage. This will require acknowledging the problem, expressing sincere remorse, ending all pornography use and any other sinful sexual behaviors, being committed to recovery, making amends, restoring trust, growing in virtue, adopting a healthy lifestyle, and developing healthy marital intimacy.

      If you are the spouse of a pornography addict, you will need first of all to recognize how deeply you have been wounded. You need a safe place to heal, which includes counseling and support. You also need to recognize that your spouse is struggling with an addiction, which is a disease, not a moral failing. Your addicted spouse never meant to hurt you. Like your addicted spouse, you will need to be committed to healing and restoring your marriage.

      For both of you, the healing process will take time. Be patient, forgiving, and committed to your personal and marital recovery.

      On this journey to healing, you will need counseling, support, and accountability. Work on forgiving each other and reconciling daily. Recovering addicts will need to prove their trustworthiness each day, and spouses will need to gradually take the risk of trusting again. Each of you needs to see the good in the other and recognize the strengths each of you brings to the marriage. Believe that together, with God’s help, you can not only restore your marriage, but create one that is healthier and happier than you could ever imagine.

      Reflection

       At this point, what hope do you have that your marriage can be healed and restored?

      Chapter 2

       Defining and Diagnosing Pornography Addiction

      According to Dr. Mark Laaser, pornography/sexual addiction is any persistent and escalating unhealthy pattern of sexual behavior.¹² It is compulsive in nature and used to avoid or change feelings despite destructive consequences to self and others.

      Diagnosing an addiction to pornography requires the assistance of a trained mental health professional. While there are many self-tests you can take regarding this issue, at most they can only help assess your risk of being addicted to pornography or cybersex. However, there are signs you can look for that may indicate a real addiction.

      Since most pornography today is accessed online, Dr. Patrick Carnes, in his book, In the Shadows of the Net, notes ten characteristics of problematic online sexual behavior:¹³

      1. Preoccupation with sex on the internet

      2. Frequently engaging in sex on the internet more often or for longer periods of time than intended

      3. Repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back on, or stop engaging in sex on the internet

      4. Restlessness or irritability when attempting to limit or stop engaging in sex on the internet

      5. Using sex on the internet as a way of escaping from problems or relieving feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, or depression

      6. Returning to sex on the internet day after day in search of a more intense or higher-risk sexual experience

      7. Lying to family members, therapists, or others to conceal involvement with sex on the internet

      8. Committing illegal sexual acts online (for example, sending or downloading child pornography or soliciting illegal sex acts online)

      9. Jeopardizing or losing a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of online sexual behavior

      10. Incurring significant financial consequences as a result of engaging in online sexual behavior

      If you and/or your spouse are struggling with any of these signs, I recommend seeking the help of a competent mental health professional who is certified in the diagnosis and treatment of sexual addiction. Along with this book, they can help you on the road to healing and restoration. (I provide information in the following chapters and in the appendix on finding a qualified therapist.)

       Who Is a Pornography Addict?

      Pornography addicts are beloved children of God. Despite anything they’ve done, God still delights in them. As God’s beloved children, they are still lovable and deserve to heal and be healthy. They come from all walks of life. Most are intelligent, sensitive, and spiritual. They can be any age, married or single, professional or blue collar. What distinguishes them from other people is their way of coping with life’s hurts: they self-medicate with pornography in an attempt to assuage deep wounds they have experienced.

      Sex addiction encompasses many behaviors, including pornography use. For most sex addicts though, their primary behavior is the use of pornography. Because of this, for the purpose of this book, I use the terms sex addiction and pornography addiction synonymously. According to Dr. Mark Laaser and colleagues,¹⁴ pornography/sex addicts share the following characteristics:

      1. Poor self-image. Because of their woundedness and addiction, many pornography addicts struggle with poor self-image. Some try to hide this by acting overly confident, but it’s just an act. Others may try to compensate by overachieving in order to prove (to themselves and others) that they are good people. Some are underachievers believing they will never amount to anything. Deep down, none of them believe they are worthy of being loved.

      2. Need to escape. For many addicts the emotional pain they experience is so great that they look for an escape. They discover early on that cybersex is the ultimate escape. For some it may be the only relief they have ever known. When they are feeling down, it picks them up. When they are stressed, it calms them down. It helps them cope with life.

      3. Sense of entitlement. Some might believe that because of their struggles, they deserve the relief that cybersex brings. This is often fueled by anger. Others use it as a reward for jobs well done. Both of these views come from a sense of entitlement (selfishness).

      4. Unmanageability and efforts to control. For most addicts, their addiction has made their lives totally unmanageable. Their main goal is to gain some sense of control, but they eventually realize this is futile. They try but can’t stop using pornography. They might succeed for a while by “white-knuckling it” or “acting-in” (see below). Some may believe that if they pray hard enough, God will cure them. Then, when nothing changes, they come to believe they are bad people and God no longer loves them. This can lead to hopelessness and despair, which only