Restoring Trust. Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D., SATP-C

Weak spiritual life

      You’ll notice that the first wound listed above is early exposure to pornography. This is traumatic for children because it destroys their innocence. It introduces them to a world for which they are not ready or prepared. Their brains have not developed to the point where they can truly understand what is going on in pornography. The excitement and shame they experience are confusing. Most are unable to talk about their experience with trusted adults because of their shame. They may repeatedly go back to viewing pornography because of the excitement it brings, yet also struggle with deep shame because of it. As young adolescents, they can easily become addicted to pornography. The deep trauma this causes is a real wound for many in our society.

      The emotional and physical sides of addiction work together to perpetuate the cycle. People who are addicted to pornography return to it regularly to keep emotional pain at bay, and this reinforces the physical side of the addiction, allowing it to take hold. So, men and women become physically and emotionally addicted to pornography, making it even harder to break free from it.

      Reflection

       Which of the wounds listed above have you been using pornography to self-medicate?

       Attachment Wounds

      Attachment wounds play a critical role in the development of addictions. Attachment refers to the emotional bond an infant develops with his primary care givers — typically, the mother or father.

      While a strong attachment to both parents is crucial for healthy development, I have found that attachment wounds with the father are especially prevalent in men who are addicted to pornography/sex. Boys develop a healthy attachment with their father when he is actively involved in their lives, starting at birth. Fathers build this attachment when they provide ample love, affection, and nurturance through eye contact, talking, and singing to the child in a gentle voice, playing with the child, comforting the child, and meeting the child’s basic needs. This aids in healthy neural development for the child, referred to as a secure attachment.²⁹

      When a child, especially a boy, has a secure attachment to his father, he can observe how his father effectively deals with stressful situations. This enables the child to trust his father and feel safe with him. He knows he can always count on his father to take care of him and to keep him safe. This is called co-regulation. From this process, a deep confidence develops within the boy. He learns from his father how to deal with life’s stressful situations, and he has a strong belief that he has the strength and ability to do so successfully. This is called self-regulation. A child with a healthy, secure attachment to his father can develop healthy self-regulation, because he has a strong external locus of control. When life gets tough, he knows he has what it takes to survive and flourish. When feeling stressed, afraid, sad, angry, abandoned, etc., he is able to self-soothe and deal with his situation in healthy, effective ways.³⁰

      Unfortunately, many men who become addicted did not have a healthy attachment with their fathers. We call this an insecure attachment. This is often the result of deep family-of-origin wounds, such as abuse (physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, neglect); death of close loved ones; divorce of parents; rejection or abandonment; a family history of addiction; a family history of mental illness; and authority rape.

      While attachment wounds with the father play a key role in developing addictions in men, attachment wounds with the mother are often the cause of developing addictions in women. Many women who become addicted to pornography/sex never formed a healthy attachment to their mothers. Similar to fathers and sons, a healthy attachment between mother and daughter develops when the mother provides ample love, affection, and nuturance through eye contact, talking and singing to the child in a gentle voice, playing with the child, comforting the child, and meeting the child’s basic needs. This aids in healthy neural development for the child.³¹

      Through this bonded relationship, a little girl observes how her mother effectively deals with stressful situations. She is able to trust her mother and feel safe with her. She knows she can always count on her mother to take care of her and to keep her safe. This is called co-regulation. From this process, a deep confidence develops within the child. She not only learns from her mother how to deal with life’s stressful situations, she believes she also has the strength and the ability to successfully deal with them. She is able to self-soothe when times are tough. This is called self-regulation. A child with a healthy, secure attachment to her mother can develop healthy self-regulation.³²

      Unfortunately, many women who become addicted did not have a healthy attachment with their mothers, often as the result of family-of-origin wounds like those described above. This lack of healthy bonding can actually affect brain development. If the primary caregiver’s confidence and ability to self-regulate are not imprinted onto their child, the child may become insecurely attached, believing deep down that they do not have the strength and ability to deal with life’s stressful situations. They have great difficulty self-soothing. Instead of being able to self-regulate, they become neurobiologically programmed to regulate externally. Thus, when they become depressed, anxious, sad, or angry, they look outside of themselves to regulate their emotions using any means possible. This often results in self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, food, pornography, and sex.³³

      There are three types of insecure attachment:³⁴

      • Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: People with this kind of insecure attachment fear abandonment. They seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners, and they often appear very needy in relationships. They may even become codependent. Many people with anxious-preoccupied attachment may have had a secure attachment early in life that was somehow damaged. This can happen through death, divorce, or abandonment. They desperately want to get back the feeling of safety and security they once knew. They believe, “You’re okay; I’m not okay.” To ease their emotional pain and anxiety, they may self-medicate with pornography.

      • Avoidant-Fearful Attachment: People who struggle with this kind of insecure attachment have mixed feelings about close relationships. Deep down, they crave intimacy, yet they feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. They may feel unworthy of being loved and expect to be rejected by others. They believe, “You’re not okay; I’m not okay.” They may turn to pornography to gain some sense of intimacy and connection without the risk of being hurt.

      • Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment: People with this kind of attachment disorder view themselves as independent and self-sufficient. They are “loners.” They deny needing close relationships and may avoid attachment altogether. They may appear very guarded and defensive in the relationships they do have. For these people, attachment = danger. They deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the source of rejection. They believe “I’m okay; you’re not okay.” While they may claim not to need relationships, pornography use may be a way to experience some form of intimacy without the threat of rejection.

      To determine if you struggle with an attachment wound — and if so, what type of attachment wound — it’s best to consult a licensed therapist. Working on the healing of attachment wounds is necessary for healthy recovery. It will enable you to enjoy healthy bonded relationships and find effective ways to deal with life’s stresses. For married couples, it’s not uncommon for both spouses to struggle with attachment wounds that can have a detrimental effect on their marriage. Working on healing these wounds in marital therapy can greatly improve a marriage.³⁵

       Trauma

      Any of the emotional wounds listed above can be extremely traumatic and can result in attachment wounds, but family-of-origin wounds are often the most severe. Trauma is typically defined as an occurrence wherein an individual sees or experiences a risk to their own life or physical safety, or that of other people, and feels terror, fear, or helplessness. The occurrence might additionally cause confusion,³⁶ dissociation, and a loss of a feeling³⁷ of security.³⁸ Traumatic occurrences test a person’s observation³⁹ of the world as a secure, just, and predictable place. Many men and women use pornography and sex to deal with their past traumas.

      There