Restoring Trust. Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D., SATP-C

on the other hand, is an emotion that focuses on the worth of a person. It leads a person to believe that because of what they’ve done, or what has been done to them, they are terrible and worthless. They feel they need to hide their actions and not let anyone truly know them. They believe if others knew the truth about them, they would be rejected, humiliated, ridiculed, and ostracized. This leads them to hide behind a façade that everything is fine in their life. They live in isolation, where their addiction festers and grows. Genesis 3 describes how Adam and Eve covered themselves and hid because they were naked. The shame they experienced because of their sin led them to doubt their worth and to hide for fear of being discovered by God.

      Guilt is actually a good emotion. It leads people to take ownership of their words and actions and make corrections where needed. This can lead to reconciliation and stronger, healthier relationships. It can also strengthen a person’s sense of self-worth. Shame is a negative emotion. It leads people to hide, thus preventing them from making amends and restoring relationships. It can result in deeply wounded relationships and lowered self-worth. Because of their need to hide, those who live in shame never let anyone truly know them. This prevents true intimacy from developing and fosters loneliness.¹⁵

      When it comes to pornography addiction and sexual infidelity, the addict and the wounded spouse will experience shame in unique ways. The addicted person feels shame because of sexual sins. They believe that because of their sins they are bad people who could never be loved by anyone, including God. Spouses of pornography addicts feel shame because of the hurt, betrayal, and sense of rejection they experience as a result of their spouse’s pornography use and sexual infidelity. They may blame themselves for it, believing they have been bad spouses.

      As a couple, they may feel shame because of the deep wounds that have been inflicted upon their marriage. This can be especially difficult if they hold positions of esteem in their church or community. They may feel they need to present the image of having the perfect marriage when in reality their marriage has been torn apart. For both spouses, individually and as a couple, there is the constant fear of what others might think of them if their wounds were made public.

      Because of the fears associated with shame, many individuals and couples find it very difficult to reach out for help. Many will spend months, or longer, unsuccessfully trying to resolve this issue on their own. Unable to succeed, some simply give up and live in shame, trapped in their addiction. In reality, it’s those who recognize their powerlessness and reach out for help that are most likely to find freedom from this affliction.

      Reflection

       How has shame prevented you from getting help?

       God, the Church, and Healing

      Many people trapped in pornography addiction believe God could never love them because of their sins. Spouses of addicts believe God has abandoned them because he doesn’t seem to be there to take away their pain. Hard is it may be, it’s important for all who are affected to recognize God’s great love and compassion for each person. He understands the pain and wants to bring healing and restoration to individual lives and marriages. And he will do this in many ways.

      One way God brings healing from pornography addiction is through the caring people he puts in your life. Priests, religious, counselors, support groups, accountability partners, family, friends, and even your spouse can all be channels of God’s healing love. Not only will he heal the wounds that led to, or were caused by, the pornography use, he may also uncover other deep wounds in your life that need to be healed. You will find that, as difficult as this process may be, God is actually blessing you through it. You will come out stronger and healthier than you ever imagined. God won’t let you down! Right now he’s calling you to trust him with your pain and be patient with the process.

      The Church speaks very clearly about pornography and how dangerous it is. According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

      Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants, since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense. Civil authorities should prevent the production and distribution of pornographic materials. (CCC 2354)

      Pornography hurts both consumers and producers. It takes sex from a holy expression of love between a husband and wife, which is open to new life, and reduces it to nothing more than a recreational activity where people are selfishly used. For married couples, this is adultery. No good can come from it.

      The good news is, the Church understands that many people are wounded by pornography addiction. She knows how damaging it is to marriages and families. Moreover, she has deep compassion for those affected and wants to help them experience God’s love and healing. Because this is such an important issue, in 2015 the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) issued a statement on pornography entitled Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography. The purpose of the document is to educate Catholics on the dangers of pornography and to give hope to those who are addicted or affected by the addiction of loved ones. It presents the Church as a field hospital ready to serve those hurt by pornography. The document states:

      As pastors of the Catholic Church, we offer this statement to give a word of hope and healing to those who have been harmed by pornography and to raise awareness of its pervasiveness and harms. In the confessional and in our daily ministry and work with families, we have seen the corrosive damage caused by pornography — children whose innocence is stolen; men and women who feel great guilt and shame for viewing pornography occasionally or habitually; spouses who feel betrayed and traumatized; and men, women and children exploited by the pornography industry. While the production and use of pornography has always been a problem, in recent years its impact has grown exponentially, in large part due to the internet and mobile technology. Some have even described it as a public health crisis. Everyone, in some way, is affected by increased pornography use in society. We all suffer negative consequences from its distorted view of the human person and sexuality. As bishops, we are called to proclaim anew the abundant mercy and healing of God found in Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, and through his Church.¹⁶

      God and his Church are ready to help those who struggle with pornography addiction or are affected by it. Clergy and many who work within the Church are here to help through support, prayer, sacraments, and spiritual direction. They may also be able to direct you to needed resources, such as counselors and recovery groups. Do not be afraid to take your struggles to the Church. There are pastors, priests, deacons, religious, and pastoral ministers who can guide you to the right resources for healing and recovery. The Church truly is a field hospital for those who are hurting.

      Reflection

       Do you believe that God wants to heal and restore your marriage? Do you believe that the Church can help?

       Recovery

      The good news is that people can and do recover from pornography addiction, and marriages can be restored. You have already begun by picking up this book to work with your spouse on healing and recovery for each of you as individuals, and for your marriage. Recovery is a process of change through which you will improve your health and wellness, live a self-directed life, and strive to reach your full potential. According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), there are four signs of healthy recovery¹⁷ (for both of you as individuals and for you as a couple):

      • Being able to address problems as they happen, without self-medicating, and without getting stressed out

      • Having at least one person you can be completely honest with

      • Establishing personal boundaries and knowing which issues are yours and which ones belong to other people

      • Taking the time to restore your energy — physical and emotional — when you are tired

      The