Restoring Trust. Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D., SATP-C

       Pornography use can affect the way the user views his/her spouse.

      Some begin to objectify their spouse and view them only as outlets for sex (this happens especially with men). Men in particular may come to accept the degradation of women in porn, losing their ability to see women as human beings.⁴ They may even try to coerce their wives into engaging in the degrading sex they’ve viewed in pornography. Many men also find it difficult to be sexual with their wives because of their pornography use. They are only aroused by the young women in porn. Many men who become addicted to porn actually develop erectile dysfunction when they try to be sexual with their wives.⁵ For women, pornography can lead to judging their husbands as inferior men. This is because for women, the men in porn can become perfect “knights in shining armor” to which no human man could ever measure up. As we will discuss later, it’s often the eroticized promise of the perfect relationship that gets women addicted to pornography.

       Pornography addiction also has a negative impact on the user’s family and professional life.

      Many users feel guilty about all the time their addiction takes away from their families, friends, and career. For some, the addiction gets so bad that they lose their jobs, or miss out on promotional opportunities. For Catholics who are addicted, they begin to feel that God could never love them, and that they are completely unlovable.

       Myths about Pornography Use and Marriage

      In our culture, myths abound regarding pornography use and marriages, and these myths make it harder for couples to heal and restore their personal lives and their marriages. We need to dispel these myths once and for all if couples are going to find lasting healing.

      Here are eight common myths I’ve encountered in my work with couples impacted by pornography addiction over the years.

       Myth #1: Viewing pornography is more exciting and fulfilling than healthy marital sex.

      One of the major myths the pornography industry spreads is that the fantasy world of pornography is better than real sex. Pornography often portrays marriage as boring and restrictive, and that the sex in porn is more exciting and freeing. This myth has even led many young people to not want to get married. Rather than committing to one person for life, they believe that true happiness and fulfillment will only come from having multiple sex partners.⁶

      The reality is that the sex in pornography never truly satisfies. If it did, pornography users would not need to search constantly for more exciting sexual experiences online. I compare sex to fire. Viewing pornography is like lighting a match. It flares up brightly and is exciting for a moment, but then it goes out just as quickly. It never fulfills. Sex in a healthy marital relationship is like building a slow-burning fire that grows over time. It may not be exciting all the time, but it truly satisfies and fulfills. It’s the loving, intimate relationship that accompanies marital sex that makes it fulfilling. The Sacrament of Marriage also adds grace to marital sex, which makes it even more fulfilling.

       Myth #2: People turn to pornography because sex is a need.

      One way that people try to justify their pornography use is by claiming they “need” sex.

      The truth is that sex is an appetite, not a need. Food and water are actual needs: if you don’t have them, you die. If you can’t have sex, it might be a difficult cross to bear, but it won’t kill you. As an appetite, sex must be experienced in its proper context, that is, within a healthy marital relationship. Not being able to have sex whenever you want actually makes it more special and fulfilling.⁷

       Myth #3: If a person uses pornography, it’s their spouse’s fault.

      Some people claim they turn to pornography because they feel lonely in their marriage, are angry with their spouse, don’t get enough sex, don’t feel respected or appreciated by their spouse, etc. Each of these excuses explicitly or implicitly blames the spouse for the pornography use.

      Here’s the truth: despite what might be going on in a marriage, a person’s pornography use is never the fault of their spouse. These excuses are weak copouts. While the issues listed above are serious and must be addressed, they never justify pornography use. The fact is that we are each responsible for our behaviors. Viewing pornography is an individual’s sole decision and responsibility. No one else can take the blame.

       Myth #4: Pornography addiction is only a men’s issue.

      While the majority of pornography addicts appear to be men, it is a growing issue for women. About one-third of visitors to pornographic websites are women. Studies have shown that 25 percent of women ages eighteen to thirty-four use pornography. Older women also view it — about 4 percent of women between the ages of fifty and sixty-five use pornography. About 2 percent of women use pornography several times a week.⁸ It is often difficult to identify pornography addiction in women, because they are attracted to a broader variety of pornographic media than men. In addition to visual pornography (pictures and videos), women are also attracted to chat rooms, blogs, erotic stories, racy romance novels, and social media for pornographic content. This could be due to the relational aspect of these types of pornography. There is even a new genre of pornography called “femme-porn.” Rather than showing women being abused and exploited, femme-porn depicts women as objects of desire who are slowly seduced into having sex with men.⁹

      Another reason why this addiction is difficult to identify in women is the great shame they experience. Women fear if others found out about their addiction, they would be labeled a “slut” and ostracized. Thus, many women addicted to pornography never come forward to seek help. They suffer in silence.

       Myth #5: Pornography addiction is nothing more than a selfish sin.

      When one is devastated by the discovery that a spouse is addicted to pornography, it’s easy to view it as nothing more than selfishness or a moral failing on their part.

      Yet neuroscience research now indicates that pornography is a highly addictive substance.¹⁰ Like alcoholism, we need to recognize pornography addiction for what it is: it is a disease. As such, it must be treated as a disease. Moreover, it’s a disease that affects the entire family. Many experts even refer to addiction in general as a family disease.

      It is important for addicts and spouses to seek professional help immediately. The sooner they start a recovery program together, the greater their likelihood of success in healing and restoring their marriage. Recognizing pornography addiction as a disease makes it easier to let go of shame and seek the help that is needed for recovery. While it is beyond the scope of this book to discuss the dynamics of pornography addiction, information on this can be found in Matt Fradd’s The Porn Myth (2017) and William Struthers’ Wired for Intimacy (2010).

       Myth #6: An addicted person uses porn because he/she wants more sex.

      It’s easy to believe that those who compulsively view porn simply want more sex.

      However, the truth is that pornography is really not about sex. It’s a drug that is used to cope with difficult feelings or situations. Just as some people turn to alcohol as an escape from emotional pain, others turn to pornography to escape. As the saying goes, “the problem is never the problem.” For the addict, pornography use is merely the symptom. The real issue(s) could be abuse, trauma, shame, loneliness, stress, anger, fear, boredom, or a need for intimacy.¹¹

       Myth #7: People use pornography because they no longer find their spouses attractive or sexually desirable.

      Spouses of pornography addicts, especially wives, often believe their spouse no longer finds them sexually desirable, and that they turned to porn because porn stars are very young and attractive. Some spouses might also believe the addict wants to replace them with a younger person. This is hardly ever the case. Most people who are addicted deeply love their spouses and wish they weren’t addicted. Some men may even struggle