You Want to Do What?: Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas. Karen Sullivan

because they ‘just got swept away’. Be clear that this is not OK. Anyone who is mature enough to have sexual intercourse is mature enough to use protection.

      Should I purchase condoms for my son so that he is prepared?

      If you are worried that he may be having sex and not using them, then why not? If you son seems to embarrassed to talk about it, put a packet in his wash bag or in his bathroom cupboard (away from the prying eyes of siblings). But don’t get into the habit of supplying them. Birth control is a personal responsibility and your son should learn that he needs to shoulder it. Having said that, an emergency supply may make a difference.

      How should I approach the subject of birth control?

      Wait for an opportune moment – a story in the paper about teenage pregnancies, a chat about a boy or girlfriend, a story about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), for example. When you first broach the subject of sex with your child, it’s worth offering the basics about birth control. Ask opinions, give some facts and insight from your point of view, and use the opportunity to express your values. Clearly, there is some sense in first discussing this when you have the birds-and-bees chat – which could happen when your child is eight or nine (for girls, it should be well before menstruation). Many kids are shocked or disgusted by the whole idea, so it’s worth taking it gradually. Ask your child to come back to you if he or she has any questions, or just casually bring it up in informal conversations – adding more as you go on. Don’t go in with all guns blazing, and do treat disgust with gentle reassurance – many children become phobic of sexual encounters well into adult life because they’ve been educated by a heavy hand and made to feel guilty or wrong before they’ve even started. Ultimately, you don’t want a child who feels uncomfortable about birth control; better that your child is used to the idea, knows what to do and feels confident enough to purchase what he or she needs as a part of normal life. Kids have sex – that’s a given. If you lecture too much about what your child should or shouldn’t be doing, he or she may be distracted from the important things, which are to protect themselves from pregnancy or STDs, and also to wait until the time is right. Be casual.

      When should I ask my child about his or her birth control plans?

      If you have any reason to believe your child is having sex, then you must ask – gently and reassuringly. When you give ‘the talk’ you must also express support about using birth control and make it clear that you would like to be involved in the decision. There are many sorts of birth control available – some more effective than others, and some with health risks. Disapproving parents can alienate kids, which leaves them open to making decisions without any guidance. As much as you may disapprove, it’s important to support when things do happen. In a nutshell, you should ask your children about their birth control plans as soon as they mention anyone else having sex, or discuss it themselves, have a boyfriend or girlfriend, or spend a lot of time in mixed company. Use your judgement.

      Is emergency contraception safe for my daughter?

      It’s as safe as long-term methods such as the pill, although there can be side effects such as nausea, vomiting, headaches, breast tenderness, dizziness, fluid retention and irregular bleeding. These side effects usually disappear after a couple of days. Emergency contraception works by giving the body a short, high dose of synthetic hormones. This disrupts hormone patterns needed for pregnancy. It also disturbs the ovaries and the development of the uterine lining, making pregnancy less likely. Emergency contraception is used within 120 hours (five days) after intercourse. It is most effective within the first 24 hours. Emergency contraception reduces the risk of pregnancy by 75 per cent. It does not, however, protect against STDs, including HIV/AIDS.

Books

      Should my child be allowed to read an adult book?

      It does, of course, depend on the book. Some books written for adults do not touch on subject areas that may concern you, and may have little sex, violence or inappropriate language. So the first thing you need to do when your child shows interest in an adult book is to check out the publisher’s website and read the reviews. You’ll soon get a taste of the subject matter and style of writing – in some cases, the recommended age group (13+ for example). If you think the book is inappropriate, it is OK to dissuade your child from reading it. Advanced readers are not necessarily more mature than their less-able counterparts, and they could be introduced to things that will frighten or confuse them, or teach them things that they are simply not ready to learn. While every parent is pleased to have an avid reader on their hands, kids often need guidance to get their reading matter right.

      Pat Scales, author of Teaching Banned Books, offers the following advice:

      

Accentuate the positive. Never say ‘no’ exactly, as it can turn the book into forbidden treasure. Try ‘that’s a good book, but knowing you, you’d like this other one better’.

      

Zero in on what he likes.

      

Know the authors. Once your child finds a favourite author, she’ll probably want to read every volume that writer ever penned.

      

Offer to share. When your child insists on reading something that concerns you, consider this sneaky, but often effective tactic. Tell your child that you’ve been wanting to read that book, and so why don’t you read it together. Most often, that will be a turn-off, and she’ll move on to something else.

      If all of this fails, you can simply say ‘I’m sorry, I don’t want you to read that book at your age,’ and use the opportunity to discuss values and issues that the book covers. It may be that your child is readier than you think for this type of reading matter, and that the subjects covered are sensitively dealt with – more sensitively, perhaps, than the average soap or teen magazine.

      For a good list of books appropriate for each age group, and details of research into literacy and reading, visit www.literacytrust.org.uk.

      When should I stop choosing books for my children?

      Earlier we discussed research showing that reading rates fall dramatically once children begin to read independently, hitting a low in the twelve to seventeen age group (see page). Interestingly, only 64 per cent of parents think it is ‘very important’ for fifteen- to seventeen-year-old children to read, compared with 87 per cent who say the same for five- to eight-year-olds. This thinking is reflected in the fact that parents stop purchasing, choosing or suggesting books for older children, and expect them to find things that interest them on their own.

      Lisa Holton, president of Scholastic Book Fairs and Trade Publishing, who led recent research, says, ‘We found that not only do parents need to be reading role models, but that they must play a key role in helping their older children select books that capture their imagination and interest.’

      How can I encourage my children to read more appropriate books?

      First of all, question your use of the word ‘appropriate’. They may not be the type of books that interested you as a child, and they may address modern issues that can be distressing or challenging, but this is not necessarily ‘inappropriate’. Consider what you don’t want your child coming up against just yet – explicit sex, violence, swearing, whatever – and discuss your reasons why these are important to you. Pre-teens and teens often make sense of their world by reading about the same things that puzzle or concern them in daily life – girls may, for example, be toying with the idea of having their first sexual encounter and develop a voracious appetite for books about teenage pregnancy, young love and sex. This is not wrong or inappropriate, and if the book is reasonably well written, she can sort through her feelings as she reads. Similarly,