when they feel bullied or threatened. They must learn to problem-solve effectively, and violence has no part in this. Having said that, children who are regularly bullied may find some confidence in the belief that they can protect themselves through self-defence training. The idea is not that it will be used in a violent way – and certainly not without provocation – but knowing that he can protect himself will make a child less likely to take on victim status, that is, appear to be a good target.
What can I do about my child being bullied?
One of the greatest preventative measures that you can undertake is to give your child the tools and skills to deal with bullying situations when they arise. You may have a child who has never been bullied, and has only been affected as a witness. But regardless of their status, all children need to know how to deal with bullies, as the problem is so pervasive, everyone is bound to be affected at some stage of their lives. So apart from working on self-respect, resilience and your home life, as well as encouraging social skills, problem-solving and friendships, your child will need to know how to deal with bullies practically.
What can I teach my child to help with bullying?
Learn to control your anger. No child will fail to become upset and angry when they are victimised, but responding is exactly what a bully wants and expects. If you become cool and calm, failing to rise to the bait, the bully has effectively lost, because he cannot ‘control’ you or your emotions.
Never use physical force, no matter how often or directly it has been used against you. A bully is a dangerous commodity and you may end up in serious trouble or physical threat. What’s more, violence is an ‘anger’ response, and once again, it’s important never to show anger.
Stand up tall, act brave even when you don’t feel it and walk away. Ignoring a bully is a difficult feat, particularly when they push all the buttons to upset you; it may also anger a bully to the point of fury, because they fail to get a response. But if you walk away with your head held high, you are sending the message that you won’t be intimidated.
It sounds crazy, but try to make the bully your friend. This technique will obviously work better for younger kids (and parents take note: if your child is being bullied by one person, invite him round to play, but keep close supervision).
If you want to talk back, keep your voice level and calm and look the bully right in the eye when you speak. Use ‘I’ statements, which are indisputable: ‘I want you to stop that right now.’ Or ‘I do not like being treated that way.’ Don’t wait for a response. Walk away and ignore further efforts to hurt you.
Employ some humour. Sometimes the best way to diffuse an upsetting or dangerous situation is to be funny. Not only will it be something the bully isn’t expecting, but it will help you to look clever and in control and unconcerned. So make a joke about something irrelevant.
Always tell an adult. Many victims are terrified of confiding for fear of being ignored, belittled or even blamed. There is a certain loss of face and pride that accompanies being bullied. But no child should have to deal with bullies on his own, and keeping quiet will not ease the situation. In fact, if the bully finds he can get away with it, he’ll likely continue the behaviour. The message, again, is, tell an adult, someone you trust, whether it is a parent, a teacher or someone on lunchroom duty. It’s not telling tales to protect yourself (and possibly others) from dangerous children.
Don’t keep quiet. Dealing with bullying alone can be soul-destroying and undermine all of your confidence. Choose a teacher, a friend, a sibling or counsellor, anyone who can give you the support you need. There is no shame in being bullied. It is never your fault.
Always support your peers against bullying. You may be relieved that it’s not you who has been targeted and simply want to keep your head down, but if children support one another, bullying will be eradicated. No doubt about it. A bully wants to feel recognised and powerful, particularly in front of his peers. If those peers stand up to him and say: ‘Hey, that’s not fair’ or ‘I don’t like what you are doing.’ or even just leave him alone, he loses his audience and his adulation.
Create a buddy system, which involves choosing one or more friends to accompany you in areas where bullying is likely to occur – on the way to school, in the lunchroom or the washrooms, in the playground or even at the bus-stop, and offer the same in return. Bullies are less likely to target kids who are in a group.
Consider some self-defence training or taking up a martial art. Though you will not ever want to respond with violence, knowing that you can protect yourself will make you more confident. And a confident child is less likely to become a bully’s target.
Avoid isolated places whenever possible.
Don’t automatically comply with a bully’s requests (for money or anything else). If you give in, you’ll set yourself up for the situation to recur. Better to walk (or even run) away.
Keep a detailed record or diary of any bullying that occurs. If a time comes when you need to report the incidents, you will have all of the key facts to hand.
Try not to cry. Although many types of bullying can be enormously painful, including name-calling and social exclusion, all bullies want a reaction, and if you give them one they will continue. Stay calm and ignore them while maintaining a confident body language. Anxiety or distress will feed the bully’s need for power.
Remember that choosing a different route to school or avoiding bullies in the halls or the playground is only a short-term measure. If they want to get you, they will. What you need to do is to work on being more confident, making supportive friends and finding ways to deal with the bullies themselves.
What should I do if my child is a bully?
If you have reason to believe that your child has been bullying others, going in with the sledge-hammer approach will only raise his hackles and encourage further and even more elaborate defences and lies. Many children feel guilty about bullying; others have a defence facility that allows them to either justify it or subconsciously deny it. Some children know instinctively that you will not react well to hearing the truth about their actions and will use every ploy imaginable to ensure that you never find out; still others will be as subversive as they are at school and play the innocent because they genuinely believe that they are blameless. Whatever the case, tread lightly. If you show immediate anger or disapproval, you will never get anywhere and will lose the opportunity both to right the wrong and to prevent the behaviour from recurring. Moreover, you will lose the opportunity to teach a lesson presenting the empathetic and moral standpoint, explaining and reassuring, and, most importantly, of working out the factors that have caused your child to
