You Want to Do What?: Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas. Karen Sullivan

May not have a single good friend to share free time with (play, shopping, sports and musical events, chatting on the phone).

      

Is seldom or never invited to parties and may not be interested in arranging parties (because he or she expects that nobody wants to come).

      

Does not participate in extracurricular activities such as school clubs.

      

Chooses an illogical route for going to and from school.

      

Loses interest in school work.

      

Appears unhappy, sad, depressed or shows unexpected mood shifts with irritability and sudden outbursts of temper.

      

Requests or steals extra money from family (to accommodate the demands of bullies).

      

Becomes obsessed with a mobile phone and reluctant to explain persistent calls or texts.

      

Becomes increasingly sensitive about or obsessed with physical features, weight, clothing, etc.

      

Begins to bully other family members for no obvious reason.

      

Becomes highly critical of activities and people she used to enjoy.

      How do I know if my child is bullying others?

      Most parents are horrified to discover that their child is bullying others, and can actively avoid acknowledging the signs. It’s important to be honest with yourself. Any of the following may suggest that your child is involved in bullying behaviour:

      

Your child is accused of bullying at school or elsewhere.

      

Has been in trouble for fighting (physical or emotional/verbal fighting is equally relevant).

      

Has an excuse or ‘reason’ for any reports of bullying such as: denial, playing it down – ‘I was just messing around’; blame – ‘he started it’; or defence – ‘he was looking for trouble’; or ‘he went completely mad on us’.

      

Turns the tables and says that someone else has been bullying her, when there is clear evidence to the contrary.

      

Relies on the evidence of his friends or other witnesses to defend him. In other words, could it be that his henchmen are doing their job.

      

Seems to have more money than he should.

      

Comes home with items that do not belong to her.

      

Claims she doesn’t need a lunch because she’ll ‘get something at school’.

      

Is quick to anger and bullies younger siblings.

      

Is secretive about mobile phone and computer use.

      At what age do children grow out of bullying?

      The good news is that bullying does appear to decline as children get older; however, some experts are concerned that it merely changes shape rather than disappears entirely. And many of these changed forms of bullying are unreported – the older the child, the more embarrassing the problem and hence it is less likely to be reported. Bullies have average social popularity up to about fourteen or fifteen years old. In fact, some children even look up to bullies in some ways because they are powerful and do what they want to, or have to, to get their way with peers. However, by late adolescence, the bully’s popularity begins to wane. By secondary school, if a bully is still attending school, his or her peer group includes other bullies, or more seriously, he or she has developed or is developing gang alliances.

      Studies show that victimisation decreases across year levels: 26 per cent of children in the early primary years report bullying compared to 15 per cent of children in the later years of primary school. At ages eleven to twelve about 12 per cent of children appear to be bullied. Children in lower years are more likely to be victims of older bullies, whereas children in higher years are more likely to be victims of same-age bullies. Younger students experience more direct bullying (name-calling, violence), whereas older students experience more indirect bullying (social exclusion, for example).

      By late secondary school, regular bullying incidents are often a thing of the past, but all victims know who the bullies are, and avoid them. By around sixteen or seventeen, bullies and victims are usually moving in different directions in terms of curricular interests in school, therefore their paths rarely cross. Social groupings are clearly defined by this time in a student’s life and invisible boundaries have been drawn.

      Not surprisingly, in secondary school, bullying behaviour most frequently involves teasing and social exclusion, but may also include physical violence, threats, theft, sexual and racial harassment, public humiliation and destruction of the targeted student’s property. Bullying behaviour in primary years is more likely to involve physical aggression, but is also characterised by teasing, intimidation and social exclusion.

      Can I go over my child’s head to address the problem with her school?

      It’s always a good idea to involve your child – firstly because if she has been victimised in the past, she may already be feeling powerless. If you step in and ‘take over’ you are compounding this feeling. In reality, she needs to learn to stand up for herself and to deal with the problems she is experiencing. It’s a good idea to speak frankly with your child, showing support for how she is feeling, and asking her to keep a log of incidents, including times and witnesses, in order to support her case. Make sure she understands that ‘telling’ isn’t ‘snitching’ or being cowardly, and that it can help to protect other children from bullies. Offer to help her to report the incidents, and to become involved at whatever level she feels comfortable. All schools must have an anti-bullying policy and a procedure for reporting. Your daughter should have a first port of call, and she should be aware of what this is. If she gets nowhere, you can then help her to take the problem to the school head, supporting her efforts. If she refuses to do anything and you fear for her health, safety or well-being, then you have a duty of care to go above her head, but tell her that you are doing so and why.

      Can I condone violence as retribution for bullying or in self-defence?

      No, encouraging violence only feeds violent behaviour, which is exactly what you are trying to protect your child from in the first place. All children need to deal with problems in a non-violent way – they can’t,