You Want to Do What?: Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas. Karen Sullivan

perhaps feel less pressured.

      If all else fails, pick up a few types of bra yourself and pop them in to her underwear drawer. Chances are they’ll get an airing at some point.

      Does my daughter need to wear a bra to bed?

      A number of scare stories have suggested that bras (particularly when worn at night) can lead to breast cancer by obstructing the lymphatic system. Under-wired bras have been singled out as the main culprits, and these ill informed sources claim that bras squash the fine tubes of the lymphatic system. The idea is that this stops the normal drainage of the breast tissues, causing toxins to gather in the breast and resulting in cancer. Cancer researchers have resoundingly rejected this theory. However, one 1993 study did show that women who wore bras to bed were 125 times more likely to get breast cancer than non-bra-wearers, and 113 times more likely than women who wear a bra for less than twelve hours a day.

      Ask your daughter why she wants to wear a bra to bed; she may be self-conscious and wish to cover up or may believe she needs to be ‘supported’ even while sleeping. Although the health risks are inconclusive, it is probably a good idea to avoid wearing a bra at night. Explain why.

      At what age is it appropriate for my daughter to choose and wear a bra that I consider overly sexy?

      You may wish to evaluate what you consider to be ‘overly sexy’. Frankly, girls go out on the streets wearing what appears to be little more than a pair of knickers and a skimpy bra-top, and this is clearly an acceptable fashion at the moment. If your daughter shows interest in sexy bras at a young age, it may well be that she is trying to emulate older peers or role models such as models or singers (many of whom model or have their own lines of lingerie). If it’s covered by clothing, there is probably no real need to worry. However, if your daughter shows an interest in sexy undergarments when she has a boyfriend, chances are she wants to show them off. This may be a good time for a talk about sex and relationships. Remember that even in a loving, healthy relationship, women (even young ones) like to feel sexy. It doesn’t mean they have become part-time prostitutes or are on course to becoming a lap dancer. Talk about what you think is appropriate and why – but give yourself a crash course on what other kids are wearing before you do so. If you put her in white cotton knickers and a practical bra while the other girls in the changing room are in hot pink and lace, she may feel left out. This is not to say that peer pressure should dictate your choices, but it’s easy to lose touch with genuine fashion trends as opposed to the whims of young girls. Times change and sexy doesn’t necessarily mean promiscuous any longer.

Bullying

      How do I know if my child is being bullied?

      Many children are reluctant to confide in their families when they have been the victim of bullies for various reasons: perhaps they don’t want to disappoint parents; they are embarrassed and ashamed; they don’t want their parents barging in, potentially making matters worse; or perhaps they haven’t actually accepted the situation themselves. It is crucial that parents look out for signs that bullying may be taking place. Different types of bullying have different key signs (for example, if your daughter is suddenly phobic of or obsessed by her mobile telephone, cyber-bullying could be at the root of the problem). Generally, however, look out for the following:

      

Reluctant to go to school.

      

Complains of feeling sick; frequently visits the infirmary or nurse at school.

      

Sudden drop in grades.

      

Comes home hungry (because bullies have stolen lunch or lunch money).

      

Frequently arrives home with clothing or possessions destroyed or missing.

      

Experiences nightmares, bedwetting, sleeping difficulties.

      

Acts afraid of meeting new people, trying new things or exploring new places.

      

Refuses to leave the house.

      

Waits to get home to use the toilet.

      

Acts nervous when another child approaches.

      

Shows increased anger or resentment with no obvious cause.

      

Makes remarks about feeling lonely.

      

Has difficulty making friends.

      

Reluctant to defend himself when teased or criticised by others.

      

Shows a dramatic change in style of dress.

      

Has physical marks – bruises or cuts – which may have been inflicted by others or by himself.

      What are the early warning signs for each age?

       Primary school

      

Regressive behaviour, such as thumb-sucking, talking in a baby voice, clinginess, temper tantrums or bedwetting.

      

Leaves school with torn or disordered clothing and/or damaged books.

      

Has bruises, injuries, cuts and scratches that are not easily explained.

      

Says they ‘hate’ a particular person, but won’t elaborate on why.

      

Fewer play-dates or invitations.

      

Embarrassment about things, such as clothing, appearance or material possessions, which have never been a feature before.

      

Uses words that are age-inappropriate, and often with intent to hurt.

      

Becomes more violent against siblings, parents or friends, without real reason.

       Secondary school

      

Does not bring classmates or peers home after school and seldom spends time in the homes of classmates.