You Want to Do What?: Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas. Karen Sullivan

so clearly many parents believe their children are mature and/or capable enough to manage. It may, therefore, be that your 14-year-old is deemed mature enough to watch a sibling overnight, particularly if the child or children in question are good sleepers and will get through the night without being distressed or requiring intervention. But babysitting is not the same as staying alone, and your child needs to be aware that he is being given a big responsibility for long-term care.

      Should I expect my children to babysit their younger siblings on the weekends?

      In a well-balanced household, it is acceptable for the weight of responsibility to be shared between all family members. Childcare certainly falls into this category. So yes, theoretically, your children should be encouraged to do their part and babysit.

      If your older child is under sixteen years of age, you must be prepared to take responsibility for anything that should go wrong in your absence. You are also responsible for the care and safety of your older child.

Bedrooms

      When should my child be allowed to decorate his own room?

      Personal taste doesn’t have an age limit, and you may have a child with very clear ideas about what he likes and doesn’t like. There is no reason why a child cannot decorate or choose the décor of his own room from an early age – within limits, of course (see below). A bedroom is a child’s personal sanctuary and as long as it is functional and the colour scheme or décor is not going to affect sleep or study patterns, it should be acceptable for him to explore his individuality and personal taste within these confines. A shared bedroom, however, might require a little more negotiation (see page).

      My daughter has posters on her walls that I consider to be offensive. How can I encourage her to remove them?

      A child’s room is her sanctuary and she should be given some space to decorate it as she sees fit. Strictly speaking, most parents don’t spend much time in their teens’ rooms, so it’s unlikely that they will be in contact with the offensive posters for much time. There are, however, certain cases where parents can step in and lay down the law. For example, you may wish to agree with your child that anything of an overtly sexual nature (pornography, for example) is unacceptable, as is anything ‘pro-drugs’. Parents are well within their rights to set and enforce house rules regarding choice of images. This is particularly relevant if there are younger members of the family who may be affected by the nature of the posters. But try to be reasonable – what we consider offensive may actually be a normal emblem of popular culture – band posters, for example, can appear very explicit when, in fact, they are splashed across record shops and kids’ magazines everywhere.

      At what age can my daughter deny me access to her room?

      Parents often struggle with the boundaries of their child’s privacy. What is acceptable given the responsibility for your child’s health and welfare? Most parents still clear up their child’s room well into the teens, or enter to put away clothing or change sheets, and there is a clear temptation to investigate piles of school work, an unlocked diary or something that looks suspiciously like birth control or cigarette papers, particularly if there is any cause for concern.

      Your daughter is right, on the one hand, to make her room a no go area, because chances are you will come across something that she deems private, or which she does not wish you to see. But there are other issues. Teens retreat from the family circle. That is normal. They want special space, usually their bedrooms, that will reflect their moods, interests and search for a sense of identity. Parents need to set some guidelines up front. Tell your child her privacy will be respected unless her behaviour strongly suggests there is a serious problem that she is denying. Open communication is always the priority. But if there are strong signs that all is not well, then the rules change.

      If your daughter wants no access, she must, however, agree to keep her room clean to a reasonable standard (see page) and put away her own clothes, replace her bedding (see page), and agree to some limitations – for example, no drugs, drinking alcohol, smoking, entertaining the opposite sex without permission, using the computer or her mobile inappropriately, or even lighting candles or incense if you are worried about fire hazards.

      How do I know what is going on if the door is closed?

      You may want to agree some terms about access – certainly you need to know what is going on behind closed doors to some extent as it is an element of parental responsibility.

      My son insists he needs his own bedroom – at what age is this strictly necessary?

      Most children will demand their own rooms at some point in order to facilitate their growing need for privacy, independence and freedom. Sharing a room can have several advantages, including maximising space, teaching children to share, encouraging a close relationship between siblings (given their close proximity), and also giving children the tools they need when sharing a room later at university or when living with a room-mate in private accommodation. Obvious drawbacks are the fights over space and property, disagreements over decorating, bickering that is the natural result of having to share a small space, and the feeling that there are no private spaces or possessions in the household.

      There is no legal precedent for room-sharing, but most councils in the UK work on the following guidelines. Two children of the same sex can share until the oldest child is sixteen; two children of opposite sexes can share until the eldest is ten. A straw poll of parents seems to back this up – opposite-gender siblings tend to be separated at puberty, and most older teens (given space) are allowed their own rooms by fifteen or sixteen.

      When can my child have a lock on his bedroom door?

      Strictly speaking, there is no reason why your child can’t have a lock on his door (except for safety reasons), but it’s worth assessing why he feels he needs one. Perhaps he has siblings who regularly borrow his things, or perhaps he doesn’t feel he can trust you not to ‘snoop’. Before resorting to locks you might try other options.

      The first is that you can establish family rules where no one enters anyone else’s room without knocking nor borrows property without asking first. There are safety issues with door locks. The first is that if your child has a TV in his bedroom, he may be watching inappropriate programmes without your knowledge. Secondly, if there is a computer, he may be downloading unsuitable material or involving himself in chatrooms or websites that he really shouldn’t. There are many stories of parents who are stunned to discover that their angelic child had drugs in their room or nighttime guests.

      What are the safety implications?

      Consider, too, the impact of a fire. If your child is locked inside a room to which you can’t gain access, he may lose his life. It is also worth noting that if you do agree to the lock, and your child takes a long time to open the door, you may wish to investigate!

      When should I begin knocking on my daughter’s bedroom door before entering?

      If a child’s door is shut, she wants privacy. Therefore, from any age, it is respectful to knock. This can, actually, be a household rule. After all, if your door is shut, you’d appreciate a knock before entering as well. Respect is taught – if you employ it, you can expect your children to behave in the same way.

      When should my child take responsibility for cleaning her own room?

      Children from the age of six can certainly take on board some general tidying duties (see page), including putting away their own books and toys, and making their beds. From the age of ten they can undertake simple cleaning duties, such as dusting, a little vacuuming, and sorting their clothes for washing. Teenagers can wash their own clothes and put them away. In terms of taking full responsibility, you will need to consider a few things. The first is that no child will know what to do unless you show them, so a few instructive, cleaning-together jobs will work well to establish your expectations and to teach the required skills.

      As kids move into adolescence, they often become sloppy and less hygienic, so your pristine pre-teen cleaner and organiser might suffer a few blips. In this