Barmy Britain - Bizarre and True Stories From Across the Nation. Jack Crossley

that she was too busy to deal with him. ‘I just got on with it,’ she said later. ‘British people don’t stop work just because someone is trying to bully us with guns.’

      Daily Mail

      A thief who tried to hand herself in at her local police station in Kent for stealing £3,000 was instructed to go to a police station nine miles away in Canterbury. She was told ‘We can’t do it today – it’s a Bank Holiday. Come back later.’

      Sun

      In the relentless war on villains, the Serious Organised Crime Agency set up a confidentiality hotline for the public in October 2006. In November 2007 The Times reported ‘it is manned five days a week and, thus far, has taken 16 calls. One reported the theft of a bicycle. Another complaint was that someone was smoking in a bank.’

      The Times

      A woman from Aberavon, South Wales, falsely claimed that she was living apart from her husband and fiddled benefits totalling £8,832. She was ordered to pay it back at £10 a month and she will be 109 if she ever gets to make the final payment.

      Sun (This recalls the story of the man in a similar predicament who protested that he was already over 80. ‘Just do the best you can’, advised the kindly magistrate.)

      UKTV Gold invited viewers to nominate the most ridiculous law on English statute books. Strong contenders included:

       Oliver Cromwell’s attempt to combat gluttony by banning the eating of mince pies on Christmas Day.

       A 19th century London by-law which allowed pregnant women to relieve themselves in a policeman’s helmet.

       The law that will find you guilty of treason if you stick a postage stamp on an envelope with the monarch’s head upside-down.

      Winner of the contest was the law which bans you from dying in the Houses of Parliament. Anyone who manages to break this law is technically entitled to a state funeral.

      Independent

      A newly recruited policeman of Swanage, Dorset, recalls walking the beat with an experienced colleague when they came across scrumpers clambering over a wall with their pullovers bulging with stolen apples. His mentor ordered the boys to empty their booty on to the grass, gave each miscreant a sharp slap on the hand with a leather strap, and said: ‘Don’t let me catch you again.’ The scrumpers ran off and the old-fashioned bobby said: ‘Stick a few in your pockets – pity we can’t take ‘em all’.

      Daily Mail

      A Scotsman convicted of beating up his partner turned out to be an anger management counsellor.

      Independent on Sunday

      A rape trial was halted after defence counsel accused the judge of falling asleep. Next day Geoffrey W. Davey reminded The Times of an incident in Darlington County Court when the judge closed his eyes. From the back of the court came the comment: ‘The old b*****d has gone to sleep’. The judge opened one eye and replied: ‘The old b*****d hasn’t’.

      The Times

      A judge ordered a man from Ramsgate, Kent, to pay his former wife £1 for the pineapple he damaged when he hit her with it during an argument.

      Thanet Times

      Judge Jeremy Roberts adjourned a kidnap case at the Old Bailey and went to watch his horse race at Ascot. It came 12th.

      Sunday Telegraph

      The Police Federation magazine Police tells of thieves who raided a soccer clubhouse in Surrey. They wheeled away their haul of drink on the club’s white-line marking machine – and the police tracked down the villains by following the white line.

      Daily Mail

      Suspicious staff in a Portsmouth store checked on a man when he went into one of their changing rooms. They found he was wearing a bra and knickers he had stolen for his wife.

      Sun / Sunday Telegraph

      A thief stole a briefcase from a synagogue in Stamford Hill, North London. All it contained was a set of circumcision tools.

      Sun

      In Scotland, it is illegal to be drunk in charge of a cow.

      Observer

      A Swindon man who dialled 999 when thieves tried to steal his cannabis plants was arrested when police found 46 plants at his home.

      Western Daily Press

      When Thames river police cautioned a woman yachtsman for speeding they said: ‘Who do you think you are – Tracy Edwards?’ ‘Yes’, replied the lady skippering Maiden II, the proven fastest yacht in the world.

      The Times

      A thief who has been taking furniture piece by piece from a fast food restaurant in Norwich has been invited by the owner to take a sixth chair to complete a dining set.

      Norwich Evening News

      A thief snatched a handbag from an 86-year-old woman who was out with her dog at Netley Abbey, Southampton – then found the handbag contained only the contents of a poop-scoop.

      Daily Telegraph

      A burglar who stole a BMW from outside a house he had broken into in Old Basing, Hampshire, was arrested next morning when police found him asleep inside it.

      The Times

      A thief hiding in bushes after stealing a battery-operated Buzz Lightyear toy from a Hereford shop was caught when police heard the intergalactic law enforcer shouting: ‘Buzz Lightyear… permission to engage’.

      Daily Telegraph

      A Mafia hitman charged with two murders told a court: ‘It was not me. That night I was killing someone else.’

      Independent