Barmy Britain - Bizarre and True Stories From Across the Nation. Jack Crossley

Judge Beatrice Bolton said: ‘I don’t think Section Five of the Public Order Act applies to dogs.’

      The dogs’ owner said: ‘They were not upset by it at all.’

      Daily Telegraph

      PC 1064 of the Norfolk Constabulary is a local hero in Lithuania and has been awarded a medal for the way he helps Lithuanians over here. The ever-helpful Guardian filled a page with the story of PC Gary Pettengell and included vital translations of essential phrases:

       Hello, hello, hello (Labas, labas, labas)

       Move along there please (Vijeok deasi prasau)

       Let’s be having you (Kilosek minas)

       Evening all (Labanakt)

      Guardian

      A man who crept on to the roof of a tanning salon in Wiltshire to spy on a naked woman was caught when the roof collapsed under him.

      The Times

      Richard Brunstrom, Chief Constable of North Wales, famed for cracking down on errant motorists, revealed in his web journal, how he spent a day off.

      While his wife was away, he wrote, he had the opportunity to ‘sneak off and have some fun.’ He got back into uniform and spent a 12-hour shift on the A497 on the outskirts of Pwllheli along with a camera that ‘read 5,891 number plates from which we had 321 hits, resulting in us stopping 109 cars. During the course of the day the team arrested 22 people, mostly for possession of relatively small amounts of cannabis.’

      Daily Telegraph

      A senior police officer who admitted having sex while on duty was cleared of any offence after he told the court he was always poised and ready to respond to an emergency… because he had his earpiece in.

      Daily Mail

      A woman from Paisley, near Glasgow, was threatened with an Asbo unless her 13-year-old son stopped practising on his bagpipes at home.

      Daily Telegraph

      Following claims that police officers were being forced to make ludicrous arrests in an attempt to meet Home Office targets, a Police Dossier of Dubious ‘Offences’ was produced. It included:

       West Midlands woman arrested on her wedding day for criminal damage to a car park barrier when her foot slipped on the accelerator pedal.

       A child arrested in Kent for throwing a cream bun at a bus.

       Cheshire man cautioned for being ‘found in possession of an egg with intent to throw’.

       Kent child who removed a slice of cucumber from a sandwich and threw it at another youngster.

       Two Manchester children arrested under firearms laws for being in possession of a plastic toy pistol.

      Daily Mail

      Extra police are to be deployed on the streets of Brighton when the moon is full. Neil Rogers, of Deeside, Flintshire, wrote that to counter the effects of a full moon on some of the populace officers should be issued with a garlic flavoured pepper spray and a silver truncheon.

      The Times

      Two policewomen sped to arrest an attacker in pedal-powered rickshaws. They flagged down two pedicab riders after learning that fellow officers needed help. The pedicab drivers told how they rode them through Hereford rounding corners ‘with a motorbike sidecar lean.’

      Daily Mirror

      The Times’ version of the rickshaw raid said that the WPCs ‘sat in the back urging their drivers to go faster and encouraged pedestrians and other vehicles to move out of their way by yelling “Nee-naw, nee-naw, nee-naw” at the top of their voices. The rickshaw men said: “We like to think of ourselves as cowboys riding down the bad guys.”’

      The Times

      Martin Hallam, of Oxford, writes about the 1960s when he was a policeman in Winchester. TV personality Hughie Green, of Opportunity Knocks, reported his car had broken down and asked the police to arrange a lift for him to London. A gnarled old policeman advised: ‘Go to the bypass, stick up your thumb, and see if opportunity knocks.’

      Daily Telegraph

      John Chatfield, of Uttoxeter, Staffordshire, saw a report about fake £20 notes being in circulation, along with a quote from a police sergeant: ‘About three weeks ago we saw a rise in fake £30 notes, and that is something that is more serious.’

      Daily Mail

      The Financial Times ran a series questioning the behaviour of lawyers:

       Why did the lawyer cross the road? To distribute his calling card to the victims of a five-car pile-up on the other side.

       What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A good start.

       How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

       What is the difference between a lawyer and a rat both lying dead on the road? There are skid marks in front of the rat.

      Financial Times

      In Stroud, Gloucestershire, a man was given an Asbo banning him from yelling abusive and racist comments at his TV.

      Sun

      A woman who was tied to a refrigerator door at gunpoint by two raiders has been praised for her coolness by Tonbridge police.

      Kent and Sussex Courier

      David Wills, of Southampton, wrote about solicitors’ charges and revealed the following extract from a Bill of Costs raised by his firm in 1907:

      To attending you when asked if we had your mother’s will.

      We replied that we would search. 6s 8d

      We searched but did not find it. 6s 8d

      Suggested you should see if the bank had it. 6s 8d

      Letter to the bank asking if it was there. 3s 6d

      Ultimately finding the will in our safe and attending the reading of it. 13s 4d.

      Mr Wills ends his letter with: ‘We are happy to say that our procedures are considerably more efficient nowadays’.

      Daily Telegraph

      David Spark, of Great Ayton, Yorkshire, recalls an (apocryphal) solictor’s bill:

      To crossing the street to say good morning to you. 6s 8d

      To crossing back on finding it was not you. 6s 8d

      Daily Telegraph

      The Rev. W. N. C. Girard, of Balsham, Cambridgeshire wrote to the Daily Telegraph about a lawyer’s bill sent to the estate of a man whose will he had drawn up. It included the item: ‘To attending on you for your signature, but you were dead.’

      Daily Telegraph

      Police appealed for witnesses after a woman put her toddler into a pushchair on display in a Plymouth store – and walked out with it.

      Western Morning News

      Clive Anderson, former practising barrister turned successful comedy writer and TV and radio presenter, was rueful about his day job: ‘It’s just 99% of lawyers who give the rest a bad name.’

      Guardian

      Retired vicar’s wife Ann Laycock, of Ashton-under-Lyne, Greater Manchester, who was shot at by youths in her local park, was advised