Barmy Britain - Bizarre and True Stories From Across the Nation. Jack Crossley

children under three’. Ricky Kelehar, of London N16 then wrote to say he had bought a card with the same message. Unfortunately it was for a two-year-old.

      Daily Telegraph

      Luton Angling Club has designed a sign showing a swan inside a red circle along with a knife and fork and the Guardian asks: Does it mean ‘Don’t Feed the Swans?’ Or ‘Swans Not Served Here?’ Or ‘A Swan Is Never To Be Used As Cutlery?’ Apparently the sign is aimed at informing immigrants that wild swans are not for human consumption – ‘Unless you are the Queen, who eats them every Wednesday.’

      Guardian

      The Bennetts of Pilton, Somerset, sent their daughter a ‘Congratulations on Your Graduation’ card. On the reverse it said: ‘Not suitable for children under five.’

      The Times

      Claire-Marie Slater, of Tunbridge Wells, bought a disposable barbecue with this warning: ‘Do not use in cribs, beds, prams or playpens.’

      The Times

      Bryan Flake writes about passing through a quaint village with this greeting sign:

      ‘HONK IF YOU LIKE OUR QUIET LITTLE TOWN’.

      Reader’s Digest

      Sign seen at Unst, Shetland Isles, by Mrs M Featherstone, of Spalding, Lincolnshire:

      DONALD RITCH PURVEYOR OF FINE MEATS, FLAT CAPS & TURPENTINE

      Daily Mail

      This road sign was spotted by Robert Kite, of Sutton-in-Ashfield, Nottinghamshire:

      BROADBOTTOM PUBLIC CONVENIENCES

      ‘Where do the narrow bottoms go?’ asked the caption.

      Daily Mail

      As part of its determination to get tough on crime a police force put up signs urging: ‘Don’t Commit Crime’. Other daft signs spotted by the Plain English Campaign included:

       Water on Road During Rain

       All Fuel Must be Paid For (at petrol stations)

       Warning! Platform Ends Here (at a railway station)

      Sun

      Seen in an Edinburgh bar:

      EAT HERE & YOU’LL NEVER LIVE TO REGRET IT

      Spotted by Mr R. Howard, of Manchester. Daily Mail

      Pauline Moore of Woodbridge, Suffolk, reports a birthday card bearing the message: ‘May this be your best birthday ever’. It was for a one-year-old.

      Sunday Telegraph

      Seen on a fence in the Lake District near Crummock Water and photographed by Peter Pedley:

      TEK CARE LAMBS ONT ROAD

      Seen on a farm gate at Cockerham, near Lancaster, by Malcolm Nightingale, of Preston, Lancashire:

      OWER SHEEP AVE NO ROAD SENSE

      Daily Mail

       CHAPTER 2

       SPORTING LIFE

      Sporting joy sweeps through England after victories in three major sports – football, rugby, and… conkers…

      A box containing a pair of Puma trainers carries this vital information: ‘Average Contents: Two’.

      Daily Mail

      Brighton and Hove Albion are blessed with a diminutive mid-fielder, Dean Cox – inspiring some fans to chant: ‘We’ve got tiny Cox’. Others prefer: ‘We’ve got five-foot Cox’.

      Guardian

      The Guardian followed this up, recalling how Bristol City had a manager called Alan Dicks, who had to endure the howl: ‘Dicks out!’

      Guardian

      The weekend of 20–21 October 2007 kicked off with British hopes of world championships on two fronts. But Formula One boy racer Lewis Hamilton lost his chance of becoming world champion and the England rugby team were runners up in the World Cup. As The Times reported: ‘Many will see this as a disastrous weekend for British sport, but it is nothing of the sort… Look at it this way: It’s not that England lost, it’s that they nearly won.’

      The Times

      Fiery fast bowler Freddie Trueman saw a batsman flick one of his balls towards fielder Raman Subba Row. But the balled slipped through the fielder’s hands and then through his legs. Subba Row apologised and said: ‘I should have kept my legs shut.’

      ‘Aye, lad,’ said Fred, ‘and so should your mother.’

      Independent

      England cricketer Freddie Flintoff was reported ‘to have disgraced himself by getting drunk and absconding on a pedalo’. Jan Moir in the Daily Telegraph commented: ‘Perhaps this is just another symptom of the strange transformation that comes over many Englishmen when travelling abroad. Freddie was only reverting to national stereotype, so let us not judge him too harshly.’

      Daily Telegraph

      In his book, More Than a Game, cricket loving former Prime Minister John Major writes of a match between Kent and Essex played at Tilbury Fort.

      A Kent player shot and killed a member of the opposing team, a spectator was bayoneted and a soldier shot dead.

      Mercifully, it was in 1776.

      Sun

      Great sporting joy swept throughout England in October 2007 with victories in three major sports – football, rugby and… conkers. ‘What a triple triumph!’ crowed the Sun – ‘normally we’d only expect to win at conkers.’

      Sun

      At a time when all the other news columns were moaning about how fat everybody is, the Guardian magazine pointed out that some of history’s most significant figures have been fat.

      Its list includes Henry VIII, Buddha, Father Christmas, Orson Welles, Oliver Hardy and Luciano Pavarotti, and it has this to say of W. G. Grace (a fine all-round cricketer in every sense): ‘It’s fair to assume that were he playing now, instead of our totally useless current crop, England would still be in the World Cup.’

      Guardian G2

      Cardiff University gathered together the ecological impact of the 73,000 who attended the Manchester v Millwall FA Cup Final at the city’s Millennium Stadium in 2004.

       37,624 sausage rolls, pies and pasties

       26,965 sandwiches

       17,998 hot dogs

       12,780 burgers

       11,502 packets of crisps

       23,909 portions of chips

       303,001 pints of lager

       66,584 pints of beer

       38,906 pints of cider

       12,452 bottles of wine

       90,481 shots

       63,141 alcopops

      The binge left its mark on Cardiff city centre:

       37 tonnes of glass

       8 tonnes of paper

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