Barmy Britain - Bizarre and True Stories From Across the Nation. Jack Crossley

added ingredients – not one of which was vanilla.

      Ian Sykes, The Times

      Seen in the back window of a van: ‘I owe, I owe, so off to work I go’.

      Susan Morris, Chalfont St Peter.

       Reader’s Digest

      ‘Neuter your cat at a cut price’. Ad in the Derby Evening Telegraph.

      Jack Phillips, Derby. Daily Mail

      Nigel Stapley, of Brymbo, Wrexham, recalls his favourite newspaper correction: ‘Due to a mishearing on the telephone we reported that Mr and Mrs (name withheld) would be living with the bride’s father. They will in fact be living at the Old Manse.’

      Guardian

      ‘Virgin sleepers. Never been laid. £18 each plus VAT.’

      Advertisement quoted in the Guardian

      An advert for a pets’ underskin microchipping service, seen in a local paper in Droitwich, Worcestershire: ‘£9.50 per animal. Pensioners free’.

      Daily Mail

      Notice in a memorabilia shop in Mevagissey, Cornwall: ‘Do not tell the shopkeeper that you used to have one of those at home’.

      Metro

      The instructions with my new steam iron includes the warning: ‘Never steam iron the garment you are wearing’.

      Christopher Bell, Sevenoaks, Kent. The Times

      I recently bought a pack of tablets that states on the container: ‘For the relief of headaches’. Among the list of possible side effects it says: ‘May cause headaches’.

      Ken Battersby, Millom, Cumbria. Daily Telegraph

      I have been given a prescription for a medicine that has 83 possible side-effects, none of which I have suffered in the past. It would seem the cure is more hazardous than the complaint.

      Ken Hill, Farnborough, Hants. Daily Telegraph

      Inflatable single mattress, complete with pump. Ideal for those unwanted guests.

      Advert in Basildon Evening Echo. Sunday Times

      ‘Visitors are invited to bring along some food suitable for sharing in a finger buffet’.

      From the Swindon Evening Advertiser announcing a talk by missionaries on cannibalism.

      ‘If you enjoy working with people, why not become a mortuary technician?’

      Dorset Echo

      On a recent car journey we passed a fitness centre with the banner: ‘Detox Here’. A mile or two further on there was a pub sign: ‘Retox Here’.

      Elaine Brooksbank, Illingworth, West Yorskshire. Reader’s Digest.

      Instructions on a new digital telephone include: ‘When the other person answers, speak’.

      Debbie Beasley, Langdon Hills, Essex.

       The Times

      Sir, I recently borrowed an aluminium extending ladder and, having climbed to the top, I found a small bright orange sticker with an arrow pointing at the top rung. In French, German and English it read: ‘STOP! This is the last rung’. I wonder who would ignore this instruction and carry on?

      Les Wayles of Christchurch, Dorset.

       The Times

      In a contest to find Britain’s silliest packaging instructions the samples below were finalists:

       Nytol sleep aid: ‘Warning: may cause drowsiness’.

       Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert: ‘Do not turn upside down’ – printed on bottom of box.

       Marks and Spencer’s bread pudding: ‘Product will be hot after heating’.

       Boots Children’s Cough Medicine: ‘Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication’.

       On several brands of Christmas lights: ‘For indoor or outdoor use only’.

       On irons: ‘Never iron clothes on the body’.

       On Lip Enhancing Gloss: ‘For external use on the oral lips only’.

       On a child’s Superman costume: ‘Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly’.

      Sunday Telegraph

      Found on the underside of a box of sweets; ‘Do not read while the carton is open’.

      Chris Spurrier, Hampshire. The Times

      A woman writes from America to tell the Daily Telegraph about the Harry Potter broomstick given to her five-year-old. The packaging read: ‘Caution. Broom does not really fly.’

      Daily Telegraph

      On the handlebars of a child’s scooter: ‘Caution. This product moves when used.’

      Martin G. Sexton, Norwich. The Times

      Sign advertising rabbits outside a butcher’s shop in Worthing, West Sussex:

      WATERSHIP DOWN. YOU’VE READ THE BOOK. YOU’VE SEEN THE FILM. NOW TRY THE STEW.

      Yorkshire Evening Post

      Sign in a Chelsea butcher’s window:

      YOU’VE READ THE BOOK. YOU’VE SEEN THE FILM. NOW EAT THE CAST.

      Jennifer North, London SW1V. The Times

      My favourite sign was in the window of an Indian restaurant in the Midlands: ‘Once you have eaten here, you’ll recommend others.’

      Maggie D’Araujo, Bristol.

       Guardian

      Sign on a car park exit machine in Mousehole on the Cornish coast:

      IF THE BARRIER FAILS TO OPERATE, GIVE THE MACHINE A LIGHT TAP. IF IT IS STILL NOT WORKING, PLEASE CALL AT THE SECOND SHOP ON THE LEFT AS YOU ENTER THE VILLAGE. IF THE SHOP IS CLOSED, CONTACT MR. SMITH AT 7 NEW ROAD, MOUSEHOLE.

      R. D. Nash, St. Ives, Cornwall.

       Daily Mail

      Wacky warning labels have included: ‘Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher.’ ‘This wood drill is not intended for use as a dental drill.’ ‘Remove child before folding this push chair.’ ‘Never iron clothes while they are being worn.’

      Independent on Sunday

      I once stayed in a Blackpool B&B featuring a sign reading: ‘No Wearing Boots in Bed.’

      Andrew Marr, Daily Telegraph

      The packaging on a rain gauge purchased by David Booker of Bognor Regis carried the words: ‘Ideal for outdoors’.

      The Times

      On leaving the M5 and taking the road to Portishead there’s a sign saying: ‘Danger – Low Flying Owls’. On the A249 in Kent there is signpost for Hucking on which someone has written underneath: ‘Hell’.

      Daily Mail

      There was a demonstration of marital arts on the village green.

      Spotted by Bob Lee of Byfleet, Surrey in the Byfleet and Addlestone Review. Daily Mail

      John Furniss, of Bedale, North Yorkshire, bought sunglasses with a label saying that they were ‘Filter Category 1, tested to British Standard BS EN1836’. A second label said: ‘Not for use in bright sunlight’.

      The Times