Barmy Britain - Bizarre and True Stories From Across the Nation. Jack Crossley

Sunday

      Not many Olympic gold medals get pinned onto British chests, but the Sun attempted to cheer up its readers by reminding them that ‘We’re the world champs at wacky sports including gurning (pulling ugly faces), toe wrestling, lawn mower racing, arm wrestling, elephant polo, tug of war, kite-flying, welly-tossing, cheese rolling, black pudding throwing, ferret racing and tiddlywinks.’

      Sun

      The English rugby team’s defeat did not appear to dampen their spirits for their trip home. Their British Airways flight took off with 76 extra bottles of champagne and an increase of 60% in the usual beer allocation.

      The Times

      On BBC TV a doyen of the snooker table, approaching his 70th birthday, was said to be ‘too old to get his leg over and prefers to use his left hand.’ And Alex Higgins was said to be ‘suddenly, 7-0 down’.

      The girlfriend of soccer star Jermain Defoe got a job at the Foreign Office – advising wannabe WAGs how to behave on overseas trips. 22-year-old Charlotte Meares’ advice to Wives and Girlfriends includes:

       Get insured in case you fall off a bar table.

       How to cope with broken finger nails or when your extensions turn green in the pool.

       How to cope with cops after wild partying.

       Always check that your hotel has a beauty parlour.

       How to stay looking your best if you are not taking a personal stylist with you.

      Sun

      Sporting Brits may often fail to shine at international contests, but that’s not so when it comes to eccentric events such as the World Bog Snorkelling Championships.

      Joanne Pitchforth, a 35 year-old teacher from Heckmondwike, West Yorkshire, beat an international field of 120 competitors and set a new world record at Llanwrtyd Wells, Mid-Wales. She emerged filthy but triumphant after taking 1 minute 35.18 seconds to complete the two 60-yard lengths of peat bog – beating the previous record of 1 minute 35.46 seconds.

      28-seconds is a long time when you are up to your neck in a black bog…

      The Times

      It must rank as one of the weirdest global spectator sports, with more than 1.5million people logging on to watch a 44lb handmade Cheddar cheese from Shepton Mallet slowly maturing. The Somerset-based cheese, named Wedginald, is the star of www.cheddarvisiontv.com. Along with a huge picture of the prized cheese, the website’s only other noticeable feature is a chronicle of how long it has been maturing: in days, hours, minutes and seconds.

      The Times

      Amidst all the fever of the 2007 Rugby World Cup semi finals in October the Daily Telegraph had a whole page headlined 30 REASONS WHY WE HATE THE FRENCH. High up on the list:

       Because they make love more than anyone else.

       On average that’s 137 times a year.

       We manage only 119.

      Daily Telegraph

      A Daily Telegraph leader said of the rugby that it was a noble defeat which should be inspiring to every Briton.

      Daily Telegraph

      The Sun tried to cheer up its readers with a page one headline:

      OH WELL, THERE’S ALWAYS DARTS

      Sun

      Discussion about New Zealand rugby players performing their pre-match Haka war dance produced the suggestion that the English team should respond with Morris dancing. Peter Croft, of Cambridge, thought that such a response would fall foul of international human rights conventions prohibiting cruel and unusual punishment.

      Sunday Telegraph

       CHAPTER 3

       LAW AND DISORDER

      It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament…

      A woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. She said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.

      Manchester Evening News

      Isobel Whatrup, of Gillingham, Kent, tells of a friend who decided to sell some surplus vegetables from a table outside the house, relying on an honesty box. Someone stole the table.

      Daily Telegraph

      Karim Allison, of Middlesbrough, reported his wheelie bin missing and got a letter from Victim Support offering him emotional support.

      ‘What I need,’ he said, ‘is just a new bin.’

      Guardian

      A set of traffic lights was stolen in Reading and police said: ‘Some thieves will stop at nothing.’

      Southend Evening Echo

      A life-sized cardboard cut-out policeman – set up as a crime prevention measure – was stolen from a supermarket in Ripon, North Yorkshire.

      Daily Telegraph

      It seems to be becoming a national pastime. Shortly after the above theft another cardboard policeman failed to deter thieves – this time in Long Eaton, Derbyshire. The life-size figure of PC Bob Molloy, who had previously been credited with keeping shoplifters away from the local Co-Op, was seen on CCTV being carried away – tucked under a man’s arm.

      Sunday Times

      The law banning anyone from dying in the Houses of Parliament topped a poll on Britain’s most absurd rules. Second was the one banning the sticking of a postage stamp upside-down. More than half of the 3,931 taking part in the poll admitted breaking the law that bans the eating of mince pies on Christmas Day.

      Sun

      Some like it hot:

       Police closed a street in Soho, London, for three hours amid fears of a chemical attack. But the acrid fumes hanging over the street came from a spicy dip with extra chillies being cooked in a Thai restaurant.

      Sunday Times

      At Woolwich Crown Court Mr Justice Openshaw asked: ‘What is a website?’ This joins a list of comments that are forever trotted out in support of the legend of judicial ignorance. The list includes:

       What are the Beatles?

       Who is Gazza?

       What is Linford Christie’s lunch box?

       What is a Teletubby?

       What is B&Q?

      (Next day the judge said he had played dumb ‘to assist the jury’ and was seeking an explanation ‘in the interests of justice’)

      The Times

      A supermarket till operator in Aberdare, South Wales, overheard a customer say ‘Battle of Hastings’ as she tapped in her PIN. Using the customer’s debit card he tapped 1066 into the store’s cash machine and plundered £170.

      The Times

      Ipswich Crown Court gave a driving instructor a 12-month supervision order and 80 hours unpaid community work after hearing that he had told a 17-year-old girl pupil: ‘Your breasts would make a good mobile phone holder.’

      Daily Mail

      19-year-old Kyle Little was arrested under the Public Order Act for