Barmy Britain - Bizarre and True Stories From Across the Nation. Jack Crossley

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      To my son Gary

      CONTENTS

      Title Page

      Dedication

      Introduction

      1 Signs of the Times

      2 Sporting Life

      3 Law and Disorder

      4 Best of Britishness

      5 Media Madness

      6 Royal Flush

      7 Rude Britannia

      8 Politics: Order, Order

      9 Animal Magic

      10 Nanny State

      11 Food for Thought

      12 Wedded Bliss

      13 What’s Up, Doc

      14 Driven to Distraction

      15 Not Dead, Just Resting

      16 Travel Troubles

      17 What’s in a Name

      18 Raise Your Glasses

      19 School’s Out

      20 Plain Eccentric

      21 A Touch of Class

      22 Council Daze

      23 Let Us Pray

      24 Mind Your Language

      25 Golden Oldies

      26 Just the Job

      27 Christmas Presence

      28 Odds and Sods

      About the Author

      Copyright

       INTRODUCTION

      Having spent over half a century working on newspapers, I am still well-placed to plough through chaotic piles of newsprint and magazines, searching for the ridiculous and offbeat and decidedly British. I started as a 14-year-old copy boy on the Yorkshire Evening News in Leeds and then went to the Daily Dispatch in Manchester, followed by a six month holiday relief stint at the Daily Mail’s Manchester office: the perfect training ground to identify and make a note of stories that embrace our traditional role of triumphantly meddling through with affable incompetence.

      Some of the items which make up this book take no more than a couple of minutes to note down; others can take half an hour or more – digesting long articles and extracting from them a couple of sentences that throw some light on what it is about the British that make the British British.

      I would like to thank the publications listed at the end of this book. But most of all, I would like to thank every eccentric character whose antics have ensured their appearance between these covers. Bravo Barmy Britain!

       CHAPTER 1

       SIGNS OF THE TIMES

      Drivers advised to ‘Honk if you like our quiet town’…

      Spotted on the back of a motorcyclist:

      IF YOU CAN READ THIS MY WIFE FELL OFF.

      Independent on Sunday

      Due to an error in transmission we reported that a lady was found dead with a bottle in her hand. This should have read ‘bible’.

      Swindon Evening Advertiser

      Simon Heffer tells of the effect of a superstore opening outside his market town. It was summed up by a notice put up by a local fishmonger: ‘Please do not mention Tesco, as a smack in the mouth often offends’.

      Daily Telegraph

      A shop sign advertised ‘Extra Large Bonsai Trees’.

      Independent

      W. George Preston of Southampton spotted for sale a ‘Jumbo Mini Fan’.

      Daily Telegraph

      Johnson and Johnson’s rectal thermometer comes with the guarantee that ‘All Johnson and Johnson’s products are personally tested’.

      Kelvin Mackenzie, the Sun

      Dave and Anne Osborn of Fettercairn, Laurencekirk, spotted this sign:

      BELL NOT WORKING OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT

      Daily Mail

      Richard Bird, of Blewbury, Oxfordshire, says he has been kept amused for years by a large digital display road sign he once saw. On a support pole at the side of the road there was a sign saying: ‘This sign is not yet in use’.

      Independent

      Ian Hall, of Burnhill Green, South Staffordshire, writes in The Times about a notice at an entrance to self-catering accommodation he saw in Cork, Ireland:

      ‘To operate the security lock, press buttons 2 and 4 together then press 3. If you still can’t open the door, the one at the end of the corridor is not locked.’

      The Times

      K. J. Faulks, of Leicester, spotted this classified ad in the Leicester Mercury:

      ‘Computer wooden gas operated, good condition £30’.

       Leicester Mercury

      Robert Price of Penrith, Cumbria, tells of his new power jigsaw with its mains lead, electric motor, sharp blades and a laser. The instructions came in a plastic bag bearing the warning: ‘Plastic bags can be extremely dangerous’.

      The Times

      Sign in a Portsmouth shopping centre: ‘Illegal parking enforced’.

      Independent

      Miss M. L. Whittle, of Bournemouth, asks ‘Couldn’t they just clamp them?’ after reading this notice in a café/shop in Kimmeridge, Dorset:

      ANY CARS PARKED IN THIS CAR PARK WHOSE OWNERSHIP WE ARE UNABLE TO ASCERTAIN BY ENQUIRY WITHIN OUR PREMISES WILL BE DONATED TO THE MOD GUNNERY SCHOOL FOR TARGET PRACTICE

      Daily Mail

      A pre-paid Business Reply Service envelope bears the address:

      Post Office Savings, PO Box 198, Widnes, WA8 2AA On the back there is this message:

      If undelivered return to: Post Office Savings, PO Box 198, Widnes, WA8 2AA.

      Colin Stonely, Independent on Sunday

      Well-behaved Dogs and Children Welcome on Leads’ – advert for the Turfcutters Arms in the Waterside Herald, spotted by Mrs Brenda Stevens, Southampton.

      Waterside Herald

      BUYING or SELLING a house could cost you dear. See a SOLICITOR… Just to be SURE.

      Yorkshire Evening Press

      Seen on a car in Norfolk: ‘If you can read this where the hell is my caravan?’

      G. Wilford, King’s Lynn, Norfolk. Daily Telegraph

      Notice in a London restaurant menu: ‘There is a very small possibility of finding nuts in our dishes that do not contain them at