The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People. D. M. Maynard

8. How do you think the transition will affect your relationship with your friends?The partner’s thoughts:The trans persons’s thoughts:

9. What social or medical changes do you think your trans-identified partner will need to undertake to feel whole?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

10. Do you think your trans-identified partner will be safe in public throughout and after the transition?
The partner’s thoughts:	The trans persons’s thoughts:

      COPYRIGHT © D. M. MAYNARD – THE REFLECTIVE WORKBOOK FOR PARTNERS OF TRANSGENDER PEOPLE – 2019

Chapter 3

      WHO ARE YOU?

      VITAL VIGNETTE

      It may seem insignificant to some, but a person’s name is extremely intertwined with their identity. Perhaps this is why a large majority of transgender persons change or adjust the name they were assigned at birth. Each individual has their personal reasons and usually selects the name change, when desired, with extreme care. This name change is not necessarily done as part of a team, and many times the non-transitioning partner can be unaware that the name will or has evolved. The surprise and unexpectedness of the name change can be deeply saddening and very confusing for the partner. As with the rest of the process, whenever possible, this too could be something that the transitioning partner may consider including the partner in. Even when the partner is included, much needs to be ironed out involving the name change, especially the specifics of timing in relation to who is told, when, and how. To add further adjustments, the partner may be faced with the reality that the transgender partner desires to be addressed by a pronoun never used before. Again, to some this may seem like an extremely reasonable request, but to the partner this desire may be overwhelming, confusing, and destabilizing. It may be understandable that the person transitioning wants their pronoun to match their affirmed gender; however, the acceptance and learning curve for this may be quite difficult for partners and could take a while to grasp. Even the most embracing partner may require time to adjust to the request of referring to the trans-identified partner using the new personal pronoun and/or a new name.

      AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE

      He, she,

      They, sie,

      Ze, ve,

      What about

      Me?

      Many family members, friends, and employers may also require a period of time to adjust to using the name and pronoun changes that the transitioning partner desires. Some people will even consciously or unconsciously rebel against the name or pronoun changes. Any errors, whether intentional or accidental, can cause much public embarrassment and confusion to everyone involved. This adjustment is something that partners and/or others may need to figure out for themselves, and if time is necessary to process these changes, it must be granted. Although the person transitioning is usually and understandably elated about the name or pronoun change, there can be some sense of loss felt by the partner, family members, or friends. This grief needs to be acknowledged and spoken about, for it should not be overlooked. For some, it is an erasing of something that has been a major part of the transitioning person’s history, and although that reality may not be extremely painful for those in transition, there can simultaneously be a strong feeling of mourning for others. Both sides have a right to be recognized, without judgment or criticism of any party involved.

      In addition to no longer using the transitioning person’s name or pronoun, partners are often asked to remove any photos and/or memorabilia connected to the life the transitioning person lived prior to the transition. These requests, though critical to those in transition, can cause major sadness, loss, anger, and resentment for the partners who treasure the past history and memories of their life together.

      Where is the space, time, and place for the partner who is in desperate need for catch-up time? The pain the partner and others can experience is real and it must be discussed, valued, honored, and respected. The focus of this chapter creates that space and place for partners to process and acknowledge this possible loss and pain through writing and sharing their feelings, thoughts, and, for some, real grief.

      Negotiating when, with whom, and under what circumstances the past history can be discussed is both extremely time-consuming and exhausting. These very sensitive conversations may require an enormous amount of patience and compromise throughout the entire transition. These dialogues may even continue long after the transition is no longer a major focus of the relationship. Unanticipated circumstances involving reunions with old acquaintances or relatives may require a rehashing of history or past memories, which may once again require an explanation of the changing of pronouns or name. The loss can be relived during very subtle or matter-of-fact tasks such as seeing the old name when opening daily mail, sorting through legal documents, looking through photo albums, or simply viewing the name on your door or buzzer to your apartment. It is recommended that each one of these possible scenarios be addressed and thought through as much as possible. If the partner is requested to use new pronouns and a new name or to eliminate artifacts that make the transgender person feel very uncomfortable, it must be understood that it can all feel too much at first. To have these changes become automatic for the partner, time and communication can be the best healers and the kindest methods for the desired outcome sought by the person in transition. Above all else, having patience and understanding can be key for this part of the transition process!

      GRAPHICS GALORE

      Splash

      What are the pronouns or possible names your partner is considering using now that they are contemplating or are transitioning? By creatively splashing words and/or short phrases, quickly attempt to express your answers randomly with as many responses as possible scattered on the paper.

      COPYRIGHT © D. M. MAYNARD – THE REFLECTIVE WORKBOOK FOR PARTNERS OF TRANSGENDER PEOPLE – 2019

      GRAPHICS GALORE

      Venn Diagram

      What artifacts are displayed in your living environment that may need to be taken out of view in order to move forward with the transition?

      COPYRIGHT © D. M. MAYNARD – THE REFLECTIVE WORKBOOK FOR PARTNERS OF TRANSGENDER PEOPLE – 2019

      REFLECTIVE RESPONSES

      1. What is your partner’s preferred identity now? (Name, pronoun, and gender.)

      2. Will you play a role when your trans-identified partner selects their name and/or pronoun?

      3. How will you prefer to be introduced individually and as a couple? When will this begin?

      4. Will there be different criteria for different people, for each one of you?

      5. What names and pronouns will be used for each of you during intimate moments?

      6. Did any person’s reaction to the transition in relation to pronoun use or name change surprise you? If yes, who and how did they surprise you?

      AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE

      Why are you smiling?

      My life is erupting.

      How can you be happy?

      Our life is being erased.

      7. As you look around your home, what are you willing to remove?

      8. Which of these removals or decisions