The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People. D. M. Maynard

transition is still alive and can often be in their life on a daily basis. It is true that the non-transitioning partner can still talk to the trans-identified partner, eat with them, and do many or most of the things together that they did prior to knowing about the transition. Yet in reality, so much is changing. Your daily life may never be the same again and will continue to change for a length of time, even though it might not appear so different to others. It can be a seemingly invisible loss and source of pain or grief for those who are in the relationship.

      Many partners have shared that the transition feels like an erasing, fading, or passing of the relationship they are or were in. Some partners have expressed that they felt lost and unsure of what to do to feel secure. Who can a partner turn to if they need to discuss this hurt and feeling of betrayal? Where is the space to share the loss of a person when the person is still there? How does a partner convey what it is like to not recognize almost anything about the relationship they knew and/or the person they originally met and hoped to create a specific future with, without sounding harsh or unsupportive?

      The partner in transition may be considering or may be in the process of changing their name, pronoun, gender expression, and/or gender marker. Their gender can be affirmed through medical, social, and/or legal means. As part of their journey, body parts of the person in transition may be altered, removed, or added. In addition, if hormones are part of the medical transition, hair and scent can be affected, their voice might change, and the visual shape of the person’s body could be different. The trans-identified partner may elect to begin to dress in a way that is unfamiliar to their partner, as well as make a myriad of other choices that may help the partner in transition feel at peace with themselves but leave the non-transitioning partner feeling disoriented.

      It needs to be acknowledged that the person who is transitioning deserves and has every right to embrace any and every aspect of the transition in order to be true to themselves. The challenge comes into play when these critical necessities for the person who is transitioning affect the social, emotional, personal, and intimate life of the partner. For some partners, there can be a painful and deep mourning period filled with all or some of the stages that Kübler-Ross and Kessler explain in their book On Grief and Grieving (2005). Some partners speak of experiencing grief similar to these five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, as described by Kübler-Ross and Kessler (2005).

      Denial can be explained as a stage of disbelief, shock, or feeling that the situation is temporary and that perhaps you misunderstood. For example, you know your partner in transition has had surgery but somehow you think it will all be undone the next time you see them. Although you do realize they had surgery, part of you denies this is the reality.

      Anger can be directed towards the partner in transition for changing your world. It can be focused on those who are celebrating or questioning any aspects of the transition, especially friends and/or family. It can be expressed as anger towards yourself, as you take blame or responsibility for causing the transition to happen. In addition, you may feel anger at yourself for not being able to be as supportive as you wish you could be at this time in the transition process.

      Bargaining is a type of mental or even verbal deal making. Perhaps you think you can propose that your trans-identified partner only dresses as their affirmed gender at home. Maybe you can offer to welcome a social transition, but only if they promise not to make any medical changes. This stage is filled with the “what ifs” or “if onlys” where agreements are conditional—thoughts or requests such as “What if I use your chosen name in public, but when we are intimate, I use your name assigned at birth?”

      Depression can be the stage of much sadness, isolation, exhaustion, and an abundance of tears. It may feel as if this stage will never end! Kübler-Ross and Kessler clarify that it does end for most people, but if depression is part of your journey, it can be viewed as part of the grieving process. It should be recognized that situational depression, not clinical depression, could be an appropriate and necessary response to grief.

      Acceptance does not mean that you need to be happy or joyful about the outcome of the transition. It simply means that you know the transition has happened or is going to happen. Then you react or respond by realizing that your partner is transgender and that the transition may include aspects that you cannot alter. This stage can also incorporate a heartfelt and celebratory experience filled with elation and happiness.

      These stages do not necessarily occur in the same order for all people and they may not all be part of the partner’s mourning process. Some of these stages can be felt simultaneously or be present in waves or cycles. The thoughts a partner may experience can become something they never expected, and this could feel shameful. The things a partner may say out of anger or denial to the trans-identified person may feel embarrassing or surprising. Some non-transitioning partners have shared that they do not even recognize themselves during this time of mourning or grieving. The pain and loss expressed by many partners during this grieving period needs to be validated, honored, and allowed without judgment from the transitioning partner, family members, friends, or others who may truly have no idea how the partner feels.

      Most importantly, the partner must respect their own feelings and consider seeking professional help or assistance from others, especially if they feel they are unable to function or keep the transition to themselves, even if they have agreed to honor the trans-identified person’s request to live stealth. Some trans-identified partners ask their partner to keep the knowledge of the transition to themselves and not share this information with others until the person in transition is comfortable enough or to tell others. It should be acknowledged that some trans-identified partners may elect to always live stealth and never disclose that they have transitioned. This desire of the transgender partner must be weighed against the needs of the partner not in transition. This critical aspect of the transition can demand much discussion. The needs of both must be conveyed to each other and respected with a healthy compromise for the sake of both the individuals involved and the relationship. If you are unsure whether what you are experiencing is appropriate and part of the grieving process, a trained therapist may be your greatest resource.

      It cannot be stressed enough how therapy, in both a couple’s setting and individual setting, can be of major assistance throughout the entire process of the transition. In addition, forming a support team of people who will be available 24/7 could bring much comfort and relief to partners when they need to talk, grieve, or sort things out with others. Attending conferences that address the needs and questions partners may internalize can also prove to be an outstanding resource that will offer another level of support for partners. For some partners, speaking with a spiritual mentor has been an option that helped bring them comfort. If a partner is experiencing emotional pain or grief, there are ways to assist in easing these feelings. The partner does not need to suffer alone. The loneliness, fears, confusions, and isolating mindset can be devastating for those partners who may be overwhelmed and confused.

      The choice and decisions a partner seeks during this time can be quite personal and private, and should be on a timeline that suits their needs. My perception of what seemed like positive aspects versus negative aspects of the transition evolved over time. At first I viewed the various changes as either good or bad, but as I began to accept the transition, I was able to think of the changes as what has remained and what has changed as a result of the transition. This shift in thinking helped me embrace the transition and arrive at a place of peace within myself, but this took me a great deal of time. I offer this reality because I felt it was necessary for me to acknowledge the transition as positive versus negative during my stages of anger; however, in acceptance, I no longer saw the transition as such a polarizing experience. What matters most is that partners understand that they are safe to express all they are feeling, that space is created for varying perspectives throughout the transition, and that there are professional ways to get the help they deserve.

      Time can serve as a factor that may help with the adjustment period as partners become used to so much newness. Communication and support may also be used as tools to assist in easing the grief for some partners. Discussing issues, concerns, worries, and fears with each other, exploring what the process could entail in the future, and including the partner through patient conversations of the next steps could possibly alleviate some level of the loss, pain, and grief. Accepting that these