The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People. D. M. Maynard

unknown, or dilemma. A three-column T-Chart format can assist the user in making a decision by comparing and contrasting the positive, negative, and equal/neutral (+/–/=) options in response to an inquiry, conflict, or situation. Another variation is KWL, which houses what a person “Knows,” “Wants to know or learn,” and then does “Learn.”

      Timeline is sequential and helps record the order or timing of a situation or event that has occurred. It assists in creating a tentative time frame to complete a future or current task that may be time sensitive with numerous factors or parts.

      Venn Diagram is a comparison graphic organizer that aids in comparing and contrasting a situation or an inquiry. Once a question is posed, one side of the connecting circles is filled in with one point of view. Then the other side of the diagram is completed with the other response in relation to the same question, showing the reply to the inquiry from a different point of view. The last step is to notice if any of the replies from the two sides overlap. If any are the same or very similar, that response is removed from both sides and placed in the center interlocking portion of the graphic organizer. The outcome is visually seeing where the two responses are in agreement and where they differ.

      Webs are often described as visually presenting a topic and its subtopics in the way that a spider’s web scatters branch-like patterns, which generate from a central source. Every part of the growing web is connected to an initial word or phrase. Once the beginning word or phrase is placed in the center position, the user’s associated words or phrases are placed in the outer connecting circles in response to the central statement. This pattern continues until the web is completed or the response to the question or statement is personally finished.

      4. Reflective Responses

      There are several ways you can partake in the questions posed in this workbook, but ultimately the hope is for you to use them in the manner that works best for your needs. Some individuals may only choose to write their responses to a select group of questions in each chapter, whereas others may reply to each and every question. You may even elect to repeat this process more than once throughout the transition process. Each chapter poses questions that are intended to help and assist you discover where you stand with regard to processing the transition and what is comfortable for you. Your responses may remain the same for a long period of time or they may evolve as you explore your options and have time to digest all that you are experiencing and feeling. Each and every path has its own value and purpose. I suggest that you are gentle with yourself as you journal and process all aspects of this part of the journey.

      5. Deserving De-Stress Delights

      Each chapter offers structured ways to release any stress from the transition and direct your energy towards de-stressing and rewarding yourself in a loving and tender manner. Intentionally allowing time to simply stop, breathe, and rest from journaling and processing is essential for your wellbeing. This section reminds you to carve out space to engage in activities that rejuvenate and honor you through self-care, which will help you feel pampered and nurtured.

      6. Empathy-Embracing Exercise

      This exercise is meant to help you gain an awareness of the importance of speaking your truth, regardless of the consequences. It is intended to aid in diminishing your own possible pain, confusion, or acceptance level, as your trans-identified partner transitions. Perhaps thinking of a private and difficult experience from your past or in the present will create a deeper understanding of the emotional journey your trans-identified partner may experience. Its presence in the workbook is purposed to evoke empathy for the journey your partner is on, by honoring your needs, and to better prepare you for the transition process.

      7. Sampler Share

      These samplers create a space where some partners shared their own response to questions posed in this workbook. All of the partners’ names have been changed to respect the privacy of both the trans partners and their transgender partners. The responses are included simply to open your mind to a variety of ways others have approached the writing based on their situation. Their replies are placed towards the end of the chapter, but please keep in mind that if these testimonials become intrusive or prevent your own process from evolving, feel free to refer to them at a later time or not at all. However, some partners have found the guidance of these “Sampler Shares” especially helpful when they had a block when journaling or were unsure that the question was one they wanted to answer. There are no absolutes when using this workbook, only offerings to help you gain a greater understanding of your own needs and wishes.

      8. Couple Communication Corner

      This exercise offers a list of questions trans partners will be given as a tool that supports communication with their trans-identified partner. You may even elect to create your own questions. It is suggested that you and/or your partner journal your individual responses prior to discussing it with each other as a tool to process your own thoughts. Partners are invited to initiate a discussion in relation to the transition, when they are comfortable, by sharing their thoughts and concerns with the person in transition through an open dialogue. The questions posed or produced by you for use in this section are intended to help start the conversation. Many couples find comfort in doing this exercise in a cozy corner of their home to engage in these private and personal talks.

      QUESTION #1

      Before you proceed to Chapter 2, I invite you to respond to the following question:

      What do you hope or expect to learn or gain from reading and journaling in this workbook?

      COPYRIGHT © D. M. MAYNARD – THE REFLECTIVE WORKBOOK FOR PARTNERS OF TRANSGENDER PEOPLE – 2019

Chapter 2

      UNEXPECTED

      AND CONFUSED

      VITAL VIGNETTE

      For some partners, finding out that your partner is now trans-identified can be a time celebrated with prideful excitement and a welcome relief. The news can create a special closeness in the relationship and an opportunity to embrace all that is to come in the future. For others, however, being told that your significant other is transgender, especially when you were unaware of this fact and never expected this possibility, can be initially confusing, induce worry, trigger concerns, and prompt an array of fears. Sometimes, a partner can experience a combination of all of these emotions. It is critical that you do not judge your response to the information you have been told, but rather honor all of the thoughts that are in your mind and heart. Every partner brings their own history to this disclosure and can react and internalize this knowledge in a way that is unique to their own circumstance. There is space enough for everyone’s journey and for every emotion that arises! Some partners need time to process this news in solitude, while others may have a desire to research and gather as much information as possible. Some may want to discuss all the details with the partner who now identifies as transgender, whereas others may find it more suitable to process this new reality with a close friend, family member, spiritual mentor, or therapist. Each preference must be honored and respected. The challenge in this situation is deciding which choice works best for you and when. Although controversial, your need to process this news may not be aligned with the wishes of the person who is transgender. As a result, this can cause a great deal of conflict within the relationship. Each person’s needs must be considered, communicated, and valued. Sometimes outside professionals can play a critical role in the next steps to assist each person to find their own voice. Ideally, those involved in the transition will be in sync and have enough clarity to reach a consensus that is acceptable to both of them.

      AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE

      I don’t understand,

      How did I

      Not know?

      However, the reality is that, in some cases, the process can be extremely painful for both or one person in the relationship. If this happens, and it sometimes does, the partner may need to make a decision as to whether they will choose to honor their own needs above