The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People. D. M. Maynard

in their gender-affirming clothing?

      20. How do you think the transition will affect or change your relationship with each other?

      21. How do you think the transition will affect or change your relationship with others?

      22. How do you think your partner thinks the transition will affect your relationship?

      23. What are your choices, options, and desires for remaining in this relationship throughout the transition process?

      24. What are your choices, options, and desires for leaving this relationship throughout the transition process?

      25. How much are you willing to, wanting to, or able to be a part of this transition?

      26. Do you think you will still be a couple during and after the transition?

      27. Do you think people will be able to tell that your partner is transgender?

      28. Do you think the focus will ever not be on the transition?

      29. Do you believe your trans-identified partner will still use the same name and/or pronoun they were assigned at birth?

      30. Do you think there are other people going through this type of transition? If so, will you try to find them? How?

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      GRAPHICS GALORE

      Venn Diagram

      What are the five greatest concerns, fears, or worries for each of you in regard to your relationship now that the transition is part of your future? It is helpful to explore whether you both share any of the same concerns, fears, and worries in order to address them. It is equally important to understand which concerns the other needs to discuss or is thinking about at this present time.

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      GRAPHICS GALORE

      T-Chart

      Write down what you now know about the transitioning process, then list what you want to know about the transition process. Continue filling in the chart as you learn the answers to the wants in relation to the transition process.

Know	Want	Learn

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      DESERVING DE-STRESS DELIGHTS

      Meditation

      Relaxing your mind and body at a time of stress can be very helpful in providing clarity and calmness. I found meditation in any form to be extremely comforting and it helped me to quiet many of my worries and fears in relation to the transition. These are ways others and I meditated, which helped us find solace and tranquility. As unusual as this may seem, some days I went for a walk in an active or loud area for a period of time. I found the sensory sights and sounds around me blocked out all the noise in my head, and I could just be an observer of my environment. Horns beeping, doors slamming, and people talking became music to my ears and surprisingly soothed me. In contrast, other days I needed the beauty and solitude of the beach. I would hear the ocean and look at the sunset, feeling at peace as I sorted things out. Sometimes I needed to cry alone. I did not even realize how cathartic it was to listen to the water and appreciate nature. For some people, hiking and walking in the woods or taking a stroll on the first snow day brought them much tranquility. Still others have shared that they found peace attending support groups, religious services, or speaking with a spiritual mentor quite comforting. If I wanted a more structured approach to practice stillness, I attended a meditation class.

      AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE

      What scares me most?

      What worries me most?

      How can I take care of me?

      How can I take care of we?

      Listening to a guided audiotape of peaceful music or participating in a gentle yoga class were also relaxing. These experiences enabled me to be passive as I received the directed suggestions. It was soothing to close my eyes and embrace the gentleness of the harmonious sounds. If walking or being guided by an outside entity did not seem to be what I needed, I sought out an activity that was both repetitive and mindless, such as doing a jigsaw puzzle, a word search, or simply coloring or sketching. Most de-stressing for me was a mini-nap. I would set an alarm for 5–10 minutes and close my eyes as I sat in a chair or lay on a bed. Often, I repeated a mantra or imagined myself in a specific place that I loved and just let myself breathe. When the time was up, I felt renewed and ready to face the world of the unfamiliar!

      Journal your reaction to this Deserving De-Stress Delight.

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      GRAPHICS GALORE

      Timeline

      I wish I had kept a log of all the critical happenings that occurred throughout the transition process, but I did not. This tool can help you keep a record of these moments as time goes by.

      Complete the timeline as you find out different, relevant pieces of information about the transition. You may need or choose to use this information to discuss these events with a therapist, for medical needs, or for your own point of reference. Examples to record: when you may have realized that transitioning was possibly necessary; when you might have been told of the need for social or medical changes; when your partner began using a different bathroom; when your partner began to wear clothing of their affirmed gender; when you chose to discuss the transition with a specific person.

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      GRAPHICS GALORE

      Box

      The uncertainties of what it means to be in a transgender relationship can be abundant and endless for some partners, especially when it is all so new. List any uncertainties that are overwhelming your mind. Writing them down can help release some anxiety and gain some power over your life. Some partners may choose to share these thoughts with their trans-identified partner or someone else. That choice is yours! (You may prefer to focus more on celebratory thoughts and/or feelings.)

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      EMPATHY-EMBRACING EXERCISE

      Realizing that every experience