Cheating Parents. Dennis Ortman

for you. In reality, your addiction is mainly in your mind. I refer to addictive thoughts as “thought bubbles” to express their emptiness. These thoughts gain power over you to the extent that you give them importance. You cannot control the rise and fall of these urges. However, you have control over how much weight you give them.

       3) ACCEPT, DON’T ACT ON THE URGES.

      Third, accept the urges for what they are, mere thoughts, and do not act on them. You do not have to fight them or try to control them. Just let them be. It may seem that they are so intense and so long-lasting that they will not pass. They always do, if you are patient enough with yourself to ride the wave. Most of all, resist the temptation to act on the urges. You cannot control their coming and going. It is futile to try. The effort to stop them will only lead to frustration and a sense of defeat. Whether you believe it or not, while you have no control over the urges, you do have control over your behavior. As enslaved as you feel, you are still free to choose how to act.

       4) KNOW YOUR OWN MIND.

      Fourth, become acquainted with both your addictive and rational minds. I see addiction as primarily a disease of the mind. The word “addiction” comes from the same root word as “dictator.” Distorted thoughts rule the mind. If you discover you have an addiction to a chemical, a behavior or a mood, recovery proceeds by becoming acquainted with your addictive way of thinking and awakening your rational mind. You may hear echoes of your own addictive thinking in the following statements:

      “I can stop using my drug (or doing the compulsive behavior or indulging my mood) any time I want.” When you are trapped in an addiction, hanging on for dear life, you are usually the last person to acknowledge your problem. Those who know you and love you realize long before you do that you are in trouble and need help. You rationalize your behavior, deny any problem and blame others for being the cause of your misery. You may even try to prove to others and yourself that you can control it with brief periods of abstinence (during Lent, for example).

      The truth is that in trying so desperately to control your mood with your drug of choice, you have lost control of yourself. It is not the drug but your desire for it that possesses you. Your greed for the pleasure the drug or compulsive behavior offers rules you. You are attached to the familiarity of the mood state. The primary symptom of any addiction is loss of control over your desires. You continue the behavior despite all the problems it causes you and those you love.

      “I can’t stop using my drug (or doing the compulsive behavior or indulging my mood).” Once you acknowledge your addiction, you may feel helpless and think you have no control over your behavior. The truth is you may not care to stop, for good reason. You experience great benefits from getting high. The benefits for you are so great that you overlook the problems the addiction is causing. So why stop? You will only stop when you look realistically at what your addiction is doing to you and your loved ones. Your rational mind possesses more power than you imagine. Listen to it and act on it.

      “I can’t stand the pain, and my drug gives me relief.” Many use drugs or repetitive behaviors to self-medicate pain they believe is intolerable. Again, you only imagine your lack of strength to endure pain and have a false belief that only your drug can provide you with adequate relief. Listening to your rational mind will give you another story. First of all, pain and suffering are an inevitable part of life. Second, pain serves a useful purpose. It alerts you to a problem. Imagine what our lives would be like if we never experienced physical pain. You may immediately think that would be paradise. But think again. If you injured yourself, like putting your hand on a hot stove, and never felt the pain, you would continue the harmful behavior. Eventually, you would suffer irreparable damage. Pain, both physical and emotional, alerts you to danger and serves a survival purpose. Your rational mind tells you to pay attention to what is causing you pain and do something about it. Instead of covering up the pain, it makes more sense to understand what is causing it and then take action to find lasting relief. Finally, you realize that drugs are not the only way to cope with pain. Addressing the cause of the pain is much more effective. In fact, the more you rely on your drug of choice, the less you develop your own internal resources to solve problems and cope with life’s inevitable difficulties.

      “I can’t fight the urges to use my drug, to indulge my compulsive behavior or moods. They’re too strong and irresistible.” The addictive mind is ruled by the word “can’t.” You believe you are powerless to resist urges, which are just passing thoughts. You imagine you will suffer extreme discomfort or even die if you do not give in to your urges. The reality is that the urges are just thoughts that come and go. You cannot control your thoughts and feelings because they just flow from some deep, hidden source. However, it is you who decides what importance to give those thoughts and feelings. And you do have control over your behavior. Recovery involves becoming more aware of these urgent thoughts, noticing how they arise and disappear, realizing what triggers them and learning to let them pass without acting on them.

      “I’m impatient and always need a quick fix.” The more you turn to your drug of choice or preferred compulsive behavior to cope with the trials and tribulations of life, the weaker you become. As your tolerance for suffering decreases, time takes on a different meaning. You want everything and you want it now. You want immediate gratification in whatever you do and begin losing the capacity to delay pleasure for future gain. In the fantasy life you are creating for yourself, you hope to achieve whatever you want quickly, easily and with little effort. You expect that you can have complete control over your life and your experience. You can make a painful world disappear magically by indulging in your addiction.

      “Nothing compares to the high I get from my drug.” That’s true. Drugs activate deep pleasure centers in the brain, making their use seem irresistible. The more you indulge in your addictive behavior, the more self-centered you become in focusing on the pursuit of your own pleasure to the neglect of your responsibilities and care for others. You become more childlike in the pursuit of pleasure and fun. You always want more and are never satisfied with what you have in the moment. But eventually, your drug provides you with brief moments of excitement that are never enough and long periods of pain. And you begin to lose the capacity to enjoy the simple pleasures in life like a walk in the park, because nothing can compare with the rush of the high.

      “I am worthless, and no one will love me.” All addictions arise from suffering, an attempt to cope with the harsh realities of life. The addicted come to think of themselves as losers in life and use their drug, behavior or mood of choice to comfort themselves. Their sense of worthlessness and loneliness reinforces their tendency to find relief and happiness in addictive behavior. However, your low opinion of yourself, often disguised behind an arrogant façade, is really an invention of your mind used in the service of your self-defeating activities. It is just another thought and not a fact. The truth is that you think less of yourself as a result of indulging in your addictive behavior. You do not like how it controls you, leads to embarrassing, harmful actions and violates your moral standards. The more you lose yourself in the addiction, the more you distance yourself from others and push them away. Your addiction causes a sense of worthlessness and loneliness.

      ASSUMPTIONS OF THE ADDICTIVE MIND

       1) Life should be easy.

       2) Seek pleasure and avoid pain at all costs.

       3) You can have it all and have it now.

       4) You cannot count on anyone else to meet your needs.

       5) You are worthless and alone.

       6) Rely solely on yourself.

       7) Only your drug can bring you happiness.

       5) JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP.

      Finally, seek the fellowship of others who are suffering like you. Addictions are too powerful to face alone. The path to healing involves a clear awareness of your distorted beliefs and thinking and a commitment to change your behavior. You will also need the support and guidance of others who are well acquainted with the addictive mind, such as the twelve-step fellowships, which