Cheating Parents. Dennis Ortman

else is to blame, you were influenced by your parents. In your own recovery, you will experience your need to forgive them and to release your anger toward them.

      The metta exercise is a good way to kick-start that recovery. Again, hold a picture of your parents, preferably from your childhood. Imagine what their life was like when you were a child, what distress they may have been suffering. As a child you did not understand their problems, but as an adult who has walked in their footsteps, you have more insight. From a relaxed place, follow your breath until you feel still in your mind, body and heart. Now reach out to your parents with wishes for their well-being. “May they be happy. May they find peace. May they be free from suffering. May they enjoy good health.” The phrases need not be elaborate, just simple wishes from the heart. Slowly repeat these words, sensing the love and peace radiating from you to them. Throughout the day you can pause and repeat these phrases, renewing your intention to extend compassion to yourself, your partner and your parents.

Chapter 2

       The Excitement-Seeking/Addicted—Holding On for Dear life

      As a child, Ken loved to talk. He was a chatterbox with the gift of gab. He could talk his way into and out of any situation. He spent his free time wandering about the neighborhood, talking with anyone he met. Since Ken was such a talker, his parents predicted he would be a salesman.

      Ken grew up to fulfill his parents’ expectations. He became a successful sales representative for a large company. Ken also loved adventure, which was satisfied by his job. He got to travel around the world, often to exotic places like Saudi Arabia, India and Vietnam. Ken enjoyed the thrill of the chase in putting together complicated business deals and trying to sell to difficult clients. He planned his strategy well, pursued his goals with energy and celebrated his victories with abandon. His job always kept him on the move and Ken preferred it that way. He was easily bored and could not sit still. When he tried to stop and relax, his mind raced with plans and projects he wanted to accomplish and a nervous restlessness overtook his body.

      Ken could not keep himself busy enough, even when he was not working. He watched sports incessantly, baseball in spring and summer, football in fall and hockey and basketball in winter. At home, he always had projects going. When he was not home or on the job, he worked out at the gym, “just to keep my sanity,” he claimed.

      Everyone was surprised when Ken dated and married Alice, a quiet, withdrawn, mousey woman who seemed to be his opposite in every way. While Ken ran around pursuing his interests, Alice stayed at home cooking, cleaning and relaxing with a book. They appeared to be the odd couple, but were content with each other nonetheless. After a long courtship, they married and settled into a routine, Alice as the anchor at home, and Ken on the go with restless energy.

      Despite appearances of normality, Ken had a secret life. As a teen he developed the habit of masturbating daily to relax and help him sleep, because he was always so wound up. He discovered his father’s cache of adult magazines and videos, indulging himself to fulfill his fantasies. He complained that sex had become routine and boring in his marriage. Often he could not maintain an erection and felt discouraged. From magazines and videos, Ken graduated to Internet pornography. His wife often retired early to bed, leaving Ken alone and restless. The only way he believed he could relax after a grueling day of chasing sales deals was with his computer. He scanned pornography sites, finding images that matched his fantasies of being desired by beautiful, buxom women. He adopted pornography as his preferred sleep aid.

      Being a member of a strict Protestant church, Ken felt a nagging guilt for his secret habit. However, he justified it to himself by thinking, “That’s the only way I know how to relax.” The thought passed through his mind that he was being unfaithful to his wife, but he quickly dismissed it, thinking, “I’m really not having sex with anyone, just myself.” He also began drinking more in the evenings to relax and wondered if it was becoming a problem. As time passed, Ken spent more time late into the evenings with his habit, feeling exhausted the next day at work. One late night, his wife awakened to notice his absence. Looking around the house, she found him hovering over the computer screen, indulging his fantasy. Outraged, she confronted him about how long it had been going on. She threatened divorce unless he got help.

      The shame, guilt and fear of losing his marriage brought Ken to therapy. He admitted feeling relief that his secret was in the open, and now he had the motivation to address the problem. He always took pride in being a resourceful problem-solver, but he could not beat what he came to acknowledge as a sexual addiction. During treatment, Ken became aware of a deep feeling of inner emptiness which he filled up with exciting experiences. He never intended to hurt anyone with his behavior, but realized the harm he was causing himself and his family. He was determined to stop.

      Ken had always had happy memories of his childhood. “It was normal, just like everyone else’s,” he insisted. Both his parents worked and provided well for him and his younger sister. They lacked for nothing, and everyone seemed to get along. After some time in therapy with gentle probing, some unhappy memories and a different picture of his childhood emerged. Ken felt alone and without much guidance growing up. His parents were unaffectionate and preoccupied with their own business. Ken remembered his mother was often lonely and bored, because his father worked long hours. She began to drink heavily to escape her boredom and went out to bars where she met men for one-night stands. His parents often argued about her going out, each blaming the other for their unhappiness. Ken could not stand the fighting and constant tension. To cope, he distracted himself outside the home in the pursuit of his adventures. “I just kept myself busy so I wouldn’t think about what was going on at home. I went to parties every weekend,” he explained. Keeping busy became a way of life for him. Sex became his tranquilizer.

      “I’m sick and tired of all the hiding and games,” he admitted. Facing his shame, he walked into a Sex Addicts’ Anonymous meeting and began the journey toward recovery.

      CHILDHOOD CONNECTION: LIVING WITH HIGH DRAMA

      When a betrayal occurs in a family, powerful emotions are aroused. The home atmosphere is one of intense excitement, which is contagious. The offended parent becomes enraged, depressed and worried. The unfaithful parent becomes guilt-ridden and defensive. Emotions are often buried, simmering beneath the surface of a calm façade and erupting periodically like a fireworks display. The atmosphere around the home is alternatively chilly and heated, but always hostile. No one can anticipate when an outburst will occur or what crazy behavior will follow. The children watch the drama as participants fully engaged in the unfolding tragedy.

      As your parents were caught up in their drama, they probably lost themselves in their struggle. Surviving the betrayal, with all the uncertainty it created, consumed an enormous amount of energy. Their lives were falling apart and they had to figure out how to keep it all together. Unfortunately for you as a child, you received the leftovers of their time, energy and attention. Your parents were in a fight for the survival of their emotional well-being, their broken marriage and the disrupted family. They were in a life-or-death struggle, having to decide the future of their marriage and the family. In the midst of this all-consuming struggle, you felt the pain of their emotional absence and longed for the security of the “good old days.”

      As a child, you were a helpless participant in the drama that your parents created. You did not choose the stage or write the script. Yet you were forced to assume a role just to survive. That role was determined both by your temperament and the circumstances. If you were so disposed, you may have been caught up in their excitement, thus becoming an excitement junkie. Just to survive the chaos, you embraced it, got used to it and thought of it as normal. In fact, you may have come to enjoy the stimulation, which made you feel alive. The ordinary life most people live came to seem dull and boring. You internalized the drama and came to love the stage with all its demands for performance. Without knowing it, you developed an aversion to ordinary daily routines.

      Excitement-seeking and emotional deprivation created fertile