Cheating Parents. Dennis Ortman

parents may have become addicted to sex, drugs, alcohol, eating or shopping to cope with the chaos and confusion of their lives, providing you with a negative role model. We know that there is a strong genetic component to addictions, which you inherited if either of your parents had an addiction. Consequently, you were prone to develop your own addiction as a way of filling the void of your emotionally-deprived childhood. Chasing the high with alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex or another compulsive behavior provided the burst of stimulation you were accustomed to growing up.

      One of the characteristics of addictions is that they tend to come in clusters. People rarely have one addiction, but tend to be addicted to several different substances and engage in a variety of compulsive behaviors. Without knowing it, you return to the familiar drama of your childhood in pursuing the addictive behaviors, creating a chaos you know all too well. But now you are the author of the tragedy you are living.

      The intense, unresolved conflicts and fighting in your parents’ marriage made a deep impression on you. You developed a fear of emotional closeness with another person. You learned that you could not depend on anyone else to be there for you. Your drug of choice provides a substitute intimacy in which you imagine you are in control. Your drug is always there for you, giving you the emotional high you need whenever you want. It allows you to escape painful reality when you feel the need. It gives you an intense high that humdrum daily life cannot match. You develop a love affair with your drug of choice, whether it is a chemical or a behavior. Over time, you develop the unshakable belief that you need your drug to be happy.

      When you have a love affair with your drug of choice, whatever it happens to be, you withdraw from your intimate relationship. You may not intend to hurt your partner, but the harm is real, both to yourself and your loved one. As the addiction deepens, your life becomes more centered on the pursuit of your drug, leaving your partner on the outside. Your spouse feels the pain of your absence, as much as you try to hide it. And you become increasingly possessed by a sense of shame and guilt. Without knowing it, in excitement-seeking and addictive behavior you distance yourself in your intimate relationship and identify with your unfaithful parent.

      What are some of the signs you are prone to seeking excitement and addictive behavior?

      AM I ADDICTED TO BEING ADDICTED?

       • Am I easily bored?

       • Do I crave excitement or seek adventure?

       • Do people see me as a charming person?

       • Am I dissatisfied with the old, thus constantly seeking the new?

       • Am I restless or do I have difficulty sitting still?

       • Is my mind always busy planning and preparing for the future?

       • Do I have the sense that I can never have enough?

       • Do I have an excess of energy?

       • Am I a glutton for new experiences?

       • Do I like to stay emotionally high?

       • Do I like to keep a lot of options open and not settle on one thing?

       • Do I tend to avoid conflict in relationships?

       • Do I always have backup plans for whatever I am doing?

       • Do I have difficulty relaxing?

       • Do I have difficulty enjoying the simple pleasures in life?

      PATH OF HEALING: LIVING IN THE REAL WORLD

      We live in a society that encourages us to seek happiness in all the wrong places. One of the most confusing messages it preaches regards addiction. While condemning those who abuse drugs, modern society promotes values that lead to addictive behavior. As a recipe for happiness, it encourages an “I want it all and I want it now” way of living. We’re told to “live the dream.” But the wholehearted pursuit of that fantasy turns into a nightmare.

      Dissect for a moment that statement: “I want it all and I want it now.” It is about “I,” focusing on self-fulfillment above all else, even a loving concern for others, which can only result in isolation and loneliness. It also encourages the uninhibited pursuit of whatever you “want.” What is the “it” of those desires? Physical comfort and ease. You seek pleasure and avoid pain, without consideration for meaning and higher values. The statement promotes the single-minded, self-centered pursuit of “all.” No half measures here. “Accept no limits” can only lead to disappointment and frustration when you have inevitable collisions with reality. Regarding time, it is “now,” with no delays, no waiting and instantaneous results. How is this promise of happiness to be fulfilled in the real world? It can’t be. However, addictive behaviors, which provide a quick fix, satisfy the fantasy.

      Addictions are more widespread than you may imagine. Anything you do that you know is harmful, yet cannot stop yourself from doing, possesses an addictive quality. You feel powerless over the behavior. Chemical dependency on alcohol or other drugs falls under this category. Changes in brain chemistry stimulate almost irresistible urges to use the substance. Compulsive behaviors, such as sexual acting out, gambling, shopping and overeating are also experienced as uncontrollable. The strength of habit makes the behavior persistent beyond any useful purpose. Finally, mood states such as anger, worry and sadness and their accompanying negative, self-defeating thinking can be intoxicating. Temperament and emotional programming from childhood govern many of our mood states.

      When I meet with people who are addicted, they are inevitably overwhelmed by feelings of shame, guilt and despair. They also feel helpless to control themselves. They may hate themselves for what they are doing but feel powerless to stop it. They have reached the end of their rope, disillusioned by the promised happiness of their addictive behavior. These feelings may not be immediately evident, but they are just below the surface and soon emerge in treatment. I offer them hope that recovery is always possible—no matter how severe the problem—and that facing the addiction can be a path to new life, enlightenment and a freedom never imagined. Addressing addiction requires several steps:

       1) ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR SUFFERING.

      Recovery begins with honest recognition of the suffering it is causing you and those you care about. Addiction is so powerful that no one gives it up until they believe that the trouble it brings outweighs the benefits. The benefits of the addiction, with its good feelings, pain relief and relaxation, are so enchanting that it is extremely difficult to give up its pleasures. Nothing can replace the intense pleasure of being high. Unfortunately, it often takes a catastrophe for the addicted person to wake up to the trouble it is causing. He may have to be arrested for drunk driving, be divorced by his spouse, lose his job or experience a financial crisis. It may take years for the trouble to accumulate enough to get the addicted person’s attention. The accumulated losses to his well-being may be devastating.

       2) RECOGNIZE THE EMPTINESS OF YOUR URGES.

      Second, recognize your urges and the patterns of their rise and fall. The urges are really “have to” thoughts about using your drug, engaging in your compulsion or indulging your obsession. Physical discomfort may accompany the idea that it is urgent to act in a particular way. However, the urges come and go and, as you become more acquainted with yourself, you will learn their inner and outer triggers. They often signal underlying distress. Observe carefully when and where the urges arise and grow in intensity. What is the physical sensation? What is your mood at the time? What were you thinking about? Observing your urges carefully, you can learn much about yourself and your vulnerabilities. For example, when you are angry or anxious, you may want to comfort yourself with alcohol, food or pornography. Notice the situations that provoke rage reactions or worry in you. Awareness of your urges and their patterns can be a beneficial avenue of self-awareness, a way of learning about your vulnerabilities. When you learn about your sensitivities and inclinations to escape through your addictive behavior, you can begin to develop alternative ways of responding.

      You may mistakenly think that urges express deep physical needs that must be satisfied for you to survive. You think you will die, or something terrible will happen to you, if you do not give in to the urge. That urge