Cheating Parents. Dennis Ortman

that program from your parents, based on choices for or against how they lived. When you feel the inevitable conflicts in your life while pursuing your goals, you are probably not living out of your own freely chosen value system. Your inherited values clash with what you really want in life. Those moments of painful conflict are invitations to explore what is the good that directs your life. Ask yourself, as I ask my clients, “What are your deepest desires? What do you want in your life? What makes you feel alive? What kind of person do you want to be? Where do you want to go in your life?” When looking at your values more closely, I believe you will discover you want something more than the conventional mindless pursuit of pleasure and avoidance of pain. You search for something that gives your life enduring meaning. What would you want your obituary to read?

      QUESTIONS FOR SELF-AWARENESS

       1) Who am I?

       2) What do I believe about myself?

       3) What within me reflects the beauty of the universe?

       4) What are my deepest desires?

       5) What makes me feel fully alive?

      Taking seriously your own opinions and desires, become aware of how much your parents’ agenda guided your life. You played roles assigned by them, not created by yourself. As you gain freedom from their dreams for you, you will liberate yourself from the anger toward them that has imprisoned you.

      EXERCISE: SELF-QUESTIONING

      Instead of being an actor in a play scripted by your unhappy, unfaithful parents, you can begin to direct your own life according to your own truth. In the process of finding yourself, you can develop a sense of compassion for your parents who lost their way, becoming dishonest with themselves and each other. Continuing your efforts at self-awareness, reflect deeply on some questions that may further help you wake up to yourself, to be fully present to yourself.

      Ask yourself, What is going on in my life right now? Be aware of all the circumstances of your life that may be influencing your thoughts, feelings and reactions. Be aware, too, of your reactions to the events going on around you and the stories you are telling yourself about them. Are you seeing yourself as a helpless victim at the mercy of what is happening around you? Or do you see yourself as the master of your fate, navigating through the various challenges of your life circumstances? Awareness of the influence of the conditions of your life helps you to respond consciously, rather than react mindlessly.

      “Can I see my life conditions as my path to healing and wholeness?” As much as you would like to write your life script, having it turn out according to your plan, the unexpected always occurs. You did not choose your parents or a childhood marred by their infidelity. Nevertheless, your past and the present conditions help shape your life. But not entirely. You are still the author of your life, working with the material given to you. Do you see the inevitable problems you face as opportunities to awaken and exercise your freedom? While you cannot control many of the circumstances of your life, you can control your attitude toward them.

      “What are my most cherished beliefs about myself and my world?” Not only the circumstances, but how you think about your life shapes the way you live it. You react automatically to events according to your emotional programming, unless you develop self-awareness. Be aware of the automatic thoughts, beliefs and assumptions that arise as you encounter difficulties. We all have beliefs that guide us through the chaos of our experience. Life is too overwhelming without these inner guides. Being aware of our beliefs gives us the opportunity to evaluate them and not make them absolute. Some beliefs may not match the reality of our life experience and need to be discarded or altered.

      “What am I experiencing now?” We create a false sense of security with our beliefs about life, living out of our heads instead of out of our current experience, which is always new. Our belief system is a scaffolding that both supports us and separates us from our everyday experience. If you have suffered the trauma of your parents’ infidelity, you have likely constructed walls of beliefs, routines and roles to protect yourself from being overwhelmed by the pain. Healing will come only from allowing yourself to feel and work through the pain, and not skirting around it. Pay close attention to all that you are experiencing in the present moment, recognizing and setting aside the scaffolding of your thoughts about yourself. Listen especially to the sensations of your body that hold much of the pain you seek to avoid. Your body often knows more than your mind and can give you useful information in making decisions about your life.

      Can I accept my present experience wholeheartedly? We usually relate to our lives with a divided mind, with an eye on our beliefs, expectations and wishes for how we would like it to be and an eye on our ongoing experience of the moment. The divided mind inevitably leads to conflict, confusion, indecision and pain. With a fuller awareness of your circumstances, reactions and beliefs, you can avoid the human compulsion to cling to pleasures and get rid of pain. You can avoid the tendency to judge yourself and your experience as defective and flee from it into the fantasy world of your wishes. Accepting your current experience, which is always new, wholeheartedly is the only path to healing and living a full life.

Part 2

       Those Who Identify with the Victim

Chapter 4

       The Vigilant Victim—Shrinking from Life

      Marlene, a dark-haired beauty, came to therapy obsessing that Robert, her husband of eight years, was having an affair. The year before, while on vacation, she noticed that he paid a lot of attention to her longtime girlfriend. She confronted him angrily and he denied it vehemently. Not reassured, she could not get it out of her mind that something was going on between her husband and her best friend. She could not sleep at night, because thoughts of being betrayed whirled through her head. She had frequent nightmares of Robert in the arms of her friend. Her suspicions never left. She constantly checked his phone records and whereabouts, monitoring his schedule like a hawk. Marlene even hired a detective to follow her husband, but he reported nothing out of the ordinary. Therapy was her last resort. She lamented, “I just know my husband is having an affair, but can’t prove it—yet. I’m going out of my mind.” Despite being so tormented and convinced of his infidelity, Marlene did not want a divorce, protesting, “Then the other woman would win.”

      When Marlene met Robert, their attraction was instantaneous. Marlene had endured a bitter divorce and was frightened to date until a friend introduced her to Robert. He was a calm, down-to-earth, stable man who worked hard, unlike her wild, irresponsible, abusive first husband. She saw Robert as her “knight in shining white armor” who would rescue her from all the pain of her failed relationships. She admired his strength, calm demeanor and ambitious pursuit of his goals, qualities she saw lacking in herself. Marlene, a high-strung woman, reacted intensely to any disappointments and rarely followed through with projects or jobs. She had worked as a waitress at several different restaurants and in child care. But some dispute always ended her employment, because, she claimed, “You can’t trust anyone.” Her one lifelong passion, however, was rescuing animals that had been mistreated by their owners. She claimed, “I can see myself in those poor creatures.” In contrast to Marlene’s flaky work ethic, Robert persevered at whatever was important to him and he earned a good living.

      After dating only a few months, Marlene and Robert moved in together. The romance continued and they soon married. Marlene was happier than she had ever been. She felt loved and secure. Robert worked long, hard hours at his job as a sales manager, but knowing Marlene’s sensitivity, he called her often. Marlene admired his work ethic, but the long hours