Cheating Parents. Dennis Ortman

groups provide a mirror for you to see yourself and your thinking realistically. Alcoholics Anonymous, which offers expert practical advice, teaches an acronym to guide recovery. The acronym is SOBER, which stands for “Son of a B****, everything is real.” Recovery involves surrendering the magical thinking and choosing to live in the real world, which provides satisfaction that lasts a lifetime.

      PATH TO HEALING THROUGH ADDICTIONS

       1) Acknowledge your suffering.

       2) Recognize urges as passing thoughts.

       3) Don’t act on the urges.

       4) Investigate your addictive and rational minds.

       5) Join a support group.

      Facing your excitement-seeking and addictive behavior with compassion may open your heart to understanding your parent’s compulsion to be unfaithful. Recognizing your own emptiness may help you appreciate the emptiness that drove your parent. Eventually, your understanding will open the door to forgiveness.

      EXERCISE: FOLLOWING YOUR BREATH AND THOUGHTS

      We live in a culture that is dominated by noise, greed and speed. “I want it all and I want it now” is our mantra. Such expectations provide a basis for the urge to seek excitement at all costs, even to the loss of ourselves. In turn, the endless pursuit of stimulation leads to addictive behaviors. The prevalence of various addictions testifies to the powerful influence of our driven culture and the need for an alternative.

      I offer guidance in the midst of the turmoil: learn to sit down, shut up and pay attention. As a regular practice I encourage exercises which are called “following your breath” and “mental noting.”

      First of all, sit down. You may think you are so busy with so many projects that you have no time to sit down. If you are honest with yourself, you may discover that you are really too restless to stop your constant activities. Stopping makes you feel uncomfortable. Your mind races, unpleasant thoughts and feelings arise and you feel like jumping out of your skin. I encourage you to resist the impulse to keep running and sit still for a few moments each day. Just sit there with nothing to do. Find a comfortable, quiet place. Sit in a chair with your back straight and your feet firmly planted on the floor. Feel yourself settling into the chair and becoming still in your body. Close your eyes to remove any distractions and breathe deeply. Feel your body unwinding as you breathe consciously and deeply from the pit of your stomach.

      Next, while sitting there doing nothing, shut up. It is hard enough to quiet your body; now allow your mind to quiet. Be aware of all the internal chatter that Eastern meditators refer to as the “wild monkey mind.” Just notice all the frenetic activity of your mind, the chaos of disorganized thinking. For a few moments, try not to run away with your thoughts in a million directions. Instead, feel like you are stepping back to observe the colorful parade of thoughts, feelings and sensations that seem to arise from nowhere and disappear like mist in sunlight. Notice how the thoughts, feelings and sensations come and go as if they had a mind of their own. Just observe their passing and do not hang onto them. Instead of chasing after your thoughts, focus on your breath, on the slow rhythm of inhaling and exhaling. Your breathing, which keeps you alive, is so automatic that you usually do not even notice it. Now pay close attention to your breath. As thoughts, feelings and sensations arise to distract you, gently let them pass and return your attention to your breathing. You may be surprised how difficult it is to focus on one thing, like your breath, but persevere. As you relax while breathing, calmness will slowly fill your mind and body. It will not happen immediately, but with practice the calmness will deepen.

      Once you are still and quiet for several minutes, you can begin to pay closer attention to what arises within your consciousness. Shift from focusing on your breath, which helped to calm you, to noticing the activity of your mind as an observer. Sit back and watch. What do you see? You likely notice subtle thoughts, feelings and sensations that arise from deep within you, from some unknown source. You may be amazed at the variety and confusion of your mental activity. You may also notice how you spontaneously try to organize and make sense of the thoughts, feelings and sensations. You formulate stories in your head. You may begin to recognize patterns in the stories, which you take as firm beliefs about your reality. The stories may clash and contradict each other. Just notice them without analyzing anything, because your analyzing is just another series of thoughts about your thoughts.

      This daily exercise in following your breath and mental noting is a way of becoming acquainted with yourself. Perform this practice for twenty minutes each day and see how relaxed you can become and what you learn about yourself. I suspect you will discover that you are infinitely more than just your thoughts and feelings about yourself and your world.

Chapter 3

       The Disengaged Workaholic—Being an Actor in a Play

      Marcy grew up Daddy’s little girl. Her father never hid his desire that he had wanted his first-born to be a boy. His disappointment at Marcy’s birth was evident to those who knew him but hidden from those outside the family circle. As Marcy grew up and displayed extraordinary intelligence and talent, he grew attached to his daughter, developing the ambition to nurture her talents. Marcy loved her father and wanted to please him more than anything. She became his constant companion on weekends as he did chores around the house and ran errands. She listened attentively to his words of advice and guidance and complied with all his wishes.

      Marcy’s mother was a fun-loving, sociable woman who spent a good deal of time at parties. She was not around the house much. So Marcy gravitated to her father as if he were a single parent. Her father owned a small factory that produced auto parts. His energy and ingenuity made that small enterprise into a thriving business. He had the ambition that one day Marcy would run the business and he carefully prepared her for the job. Occasionally, he took her to work with him to show her off and introduce her to his business. The employees doted on her, remarking how much she looked and acted like her father.

      In school, encouraged by her parents, Marcy worked hard and achieved good grades. Her father would not accept anything less than an A for any class and Marcy’s name regularly occupied the top of the honor roll. Her skills were not limited to the classroom. Marcy was an accomplished tennis player, winning several tournaments in high school. Her proud parents attended every big match, bragging about their intelligent, athletic daughter. With her exuberant personality, Marcy had many friends and was a member of the “popular” group at school. In recognition of her overall ability and popularity, she was elected senior class president and graduated as valedictorian.

      Marcy went away to college at a prestigious university to pursue a degree in business and marketing. Her father’s plan for her was unfolding just as he wanted. Marcy threw herself into her studies with enthusiasm, willingly following her father’s dreams. She graduated, as expected, at the top of her class. Her father had her work in his company’s office, preparing her to take over the role of vice president of the growing business.

      While in college, Marcy fell in love with John, a fun-loving guy much like her mother. John took Marcy to parties and taught her to laugh and have fun. He was a carefree student who did just enough to get by. Marcy didn’t care, because she believed she had enough ambition for both of them. After college, John worked for a large corporation selling mortgages, while Marcy began working in her father’s business. A year later, when both were established in their careers, they were married in a lavish ceremony that dominated the society page.

      While dating, Marcy had made it clear to John that she intended to be a career person and he agreed. True to her word, Marcy threw herself into her work at the factory and advanced to the position of vice president. As her father neared retirement, he passed more and more of the responsibilities and control of the company to Marcy. She thrived on work and seeing the fruit of her labors in expanding the business beyond what her father had ever