Would You Rather...? The Big Book. Justin Heimberg

Would you rather…

      be able to change any lamp into Whoopi Goldberg

       OR

      vice-versa?

      Things to consider: How would you use your powers?

       Would you rather…

      be able to see every human’s “expiration date”

       OR

      not?

      Things to consider: Dude, that’s deep.

       Would you rather…

      have the ability to mute another person like a TV

       OR

      be able to change your voice to a Spanish voice-over?

      Things to consider: vacationing in Madrid, nagging moms, petulant kids, petulant day-laborers

       Would you rather…

      have a vagina that can magically validate any parking pass

       OR

      that can comfortably hold all the contents of your purse? (Men: Read as “have a partner with…”)

       Would you rather…

      have a penis that comes in handy as a bottle opener

       OR

      a cigarette lighter?

       Would you rather…

      have retractable claws

       OR

      functional gills?

      Things to consider: tree climbing, necking

       Would you rather…

      have corkscrew toenails OR have potato-peeling fingernails?

      have silverware fingernails OR lockpick toenails?

      a retractable toenail knife OR a retractable middle fingernail extender that accomplishes the effect of giving the finger?

       Would you rather…

      have an avatar that is an eagle-creature OR panther-creature?

      wolf-creature OR spider-creature?

      emu-creature OR Paula Poundstone-creature?

       Would you rather…

      have lemon-flavored hangnails

       OR

      have denim scabs?

       Would you rather…

      have the ability to will food to fall out of vending machines

       OR

      be born with a calculator on your ankle?

       Would you rather…

      be able to summon swarms of bugs

       OR

      be able to kill bugs with mini-lasers shot from your eyes?

       Would you rather…

      be able to spit with the force of a blow dart gun

       OR

      teleport the gas of your farts anywhere within a 100-foot radius?

      Things to consider: killing birds, killing careers

       Would you rather…

      be able to eat unlimited food without gaining weight

       OR

      be able to eat free in any restaurant?

       Would you rather…

      have x-ray peripheral vision

       OR

      have the ability to hear anything exactly 147 feet away?

       Would you rather…

      be able to come in fourth in any race any time

       OR

      be able to perfectly forge anyone’s handwriting but only when writing the phrase “I want pudding!”

      Things to consider: selling forged President Obama-signed photos (where he evidently wants everyone to know he wants pudding).

       Would you rather…

      have eyes that can make anyone you want fall in love with you

       OR

      have eyes that can turn your enemies to stone?

       Would you rather…

      have skin that lathers whenever you get wet

       OR

      have refrigerated pockets?

      Things to consider: swimming, reaching into your pockets on hot days

       Would you rather…

      have the ability to communicate with poodles OR pit bulls?

      kittens OR elephants?

      socks OR bagels?

       Would you rather…

      be given life-long “butting in line” privileges

       OR

      life-long “profanity at any time” privileges?

       Would you rather…

      have an hour-long chat with your 15-year-old self

       OR

      with your 60-year-old self?

      Things to consider: What would you say? What would you ask?

       Would you rather…

      be able to cure cases of malaria by holding your hand against the foreheads of the infirmed

       OR

      be able to telekinetically deliver titty-twisters?

       Would you rather…

      every time you sneeze, a $20 bill is hidden somewhere in your house

       OR

      every time you poop, a $100 bill is hidden somewhere inside the BM?

       Would you rather…

      have the ability to shrink down to one inch in height

       OR

      the ability to grow to 100 feet in height?

       Would you rather…

      have a tape measurer tongue

       OR

      be able to blow into your own body to make it a flotation device?