Would You Rather...? The Big Book. Justin Heimberg

Would you rather…

      be reincarnated as Paris Hilton’s toy poodle

       OR

      Britney Spears’ next baby?

       Would you rather…

      have a rare Tourette’s syndrome that causes you to always flip off police officers

       OR

      one where you uncontrollably moon nuns?

       Would you rather…

      every time you cry, one person is cured of cancer for every tear

       OR

      every time you get the hiccups, a random Al Qaeda member is killed for each hiccup?

       Would you rather…

      have a seven-foot-long tongue

       OR

      seven-foot-long neck?

       Would you rather…

      have a helium-filled body

       OR

      a lead-filled body?

       Would you rather…

      have your two top front teeth never stop growing

       OR

      your two bottom front teeth never stop growing?

      Things to consider: vision problems, walking problems

       Would you rather…

      compulsively engage mailmen in sumo contests to try to belly them off your doorstep

       OR

      compulsively challenge all baristas to arm wrestle?

       Would you rather…

      have an actual beehive hairdo

       OR

      have actual mutton chop sideburns?

       Would you rather…

      have a solar-powered brain

       OR

      a battery-powered brain?

      Things to consider: Who would have your extra battery?, slowing down as power gets low, cloudy days, where would you live?

       Would you rather…

      occasionally “lose reception” (like when on a cell phone) in conversation and be unable to hear what people are saying

       OR

      have a belly button that is a black hole that sucks objects within two inches into nothingness?

       Would you rather…

      snore the sound of a chainsaw

       OR

      burp with the force of a bathroom hair dryer?

       Would you rather…

      have to wear a Snuggie in public every day

       OR

      have to wear an eye patch?

      Things to consider: playing sports, business presentations, sleeping on airplanes

       Would you rather…

      have to drink using only an eye dropper

       OR

      have to eat using only a thumbtack?

       Would you rather…

      have to keep a hard-boiled egg in your mouth at all times

       OR

      have an armadillo chained to your leg at all times?

      

       POWERS

      Change isn’t always bad. Sometimes the best thing that can happen to you is being forced to find a new job, having to move on from an unhealthy relationship, or being beamed with high-potency gamma rays granting you the very minor power to levitate muffins. As you contemplate the following questions, remember: “With great power, comes great responsibility.” And remember also: “With very limited power comes very limited responsibility.”

       Would you rather…

      have the ability to extend yellow lights at traffic signals by 5 seconds

       OR

      be able to refill your gas tank by playing Air Supply’s Greatest Hits in its entirety on your car stereo?

       Would you rather…

      for one day a month be able to save your life and reload like in a computer game

       OR

      be able to musically “montage” in three minutes vast amounts of learning and/or training that would normally take three months?

       Would you rather…

      have all your blackheads produce beluga caviar when squeezed

       OR

      have all your whiteheads turn into pearls over the course of a year?

       Would you rather…

      have psychic visions of available mall parking spots

       OR

      have the preternatural ability to always choose the fastest checkout line?

       Would you rather…

      be visited by the “Ghost of Your Sexual Experiences Past”

       OR

      the “Ghost of Your Sexual Experiences Future”?

      Things to consider: What would each show you? What would you learn from it?

       Would you rather…

      be able to mentally watch any DVD by slipping it into your butt crack

       OR

      be able to get an Internet connection anywhere as long as you’re pinching your nipples?

       Would you rather…

      psychically know all the phone prompts to expediently get you to a live customer service person

       OR

      have the ability to see through egg cartons at the grocery store and know if any of the eggs inside are broken?

       Would you rather…

      have astonishing ordering instincts and make perfect menu choices in 3.5 seconds

       OR

      have amazing luck at finding parking