Would You Rather...? The Big Book. Justin Heimberg

      Would you… have sex with Tyne Daly daily to have sex with Keira Knightley, nightly?

       IT’S ALL RELATIVE

       Would you rather…

      for thirty seconds, make out with your mom

       OR

      with a hot curling iron?

       Would you rather…

      get a lap dance from your grandma

       OR

      give a lap dance to your grandma?

      Things to consider: physical injury, psychological injury

       Would you rather…

      lewdly bump and grind with your grandfather to hip hop music

       OR

      give your uncle twenty neck hickeys?

       Would you rather…

      have sex with Spencer Pratt

       OR

      George Clooney if they exchanged personalities?

       Would you rather…

      have sex with a perfect 10 but get herpes

       OR

      have sex with a 2 and get a $10 coupon to Long John Silvers?

       Would you rather…

      have sex with Katie Couric

       OR

      Natalie Portman if she gained 100 pounds?

       Would you rather…

      have sex with a hot garbage man OR an unattractive rock star?

      a porn star OR a pop star?

      a hot dispassionate woman OR a down and dirty ugly woman with a unibrow and a goiter on her neck the size of a Dixie cup?

      an incredibly witty sumo wrestler OR a mysterious and troubled busboy?

      a barber shop quartet whose members make all sexual sounds and exclamations in harmony OR a pack of Ewoks?

       Would you rather…

      have snail mail sex (bawdy letters sent back and forth over a period of months)

       OR

      have sign language sex?

      Things to consider: How would you pleasure yourself while signing?

       Would you rather…

      have sex with Siamese triplet Jessica Albas (male);

      Johnny Depps (female)

       OR

      with just the singular version?

       Would you rather…

      have sex with a man with a 1-inch penis

       OR

      a 17-inch penis? Oral sex?

       Would you rather…

      have sex with Rosie O’Donnell

       OR

      have to push her up a steep hill?

       Would you rather…

      have sex with Sarah Palin

       OR

      Tina Fey?

      What if you had to talk to them for three hours before and after the sex?

      Things to consider: The porn Nailin’ Palin was made shortly after her vice-presidential bid. What other political porns can you think of that should be made? Examples: Ridin’ Biden, / Huckabee, Bush!

       BY THE NUMBERS

       Would you rather…

      take it from Conchata Ferrell from Two and a Half Men wearing a 3” strap-on

       OR

      from Scarlett Johansson wearing a 10” strap-on?

       Would you rather…

      get a hand job from a perfect 10 OR have sex with a 6?

      a foot job from an 8 OR have sex with a 5?

      a knee job from a 2 OR have brunch with a 4?

       Would you rather…

      have sex with a Cyclops Angelina Jolie with the arms of a gorilla and the trunk of an elephant

       OR

      Joy Behar?

       Would you rather…

      have sex with Orlando Bloom OR Tom Brady?

      Chris Daughtry OR LeBron James?

      Robert Pattinson in character as Edward Cullen OR

      Robert Pattinson, the actor?

       Would you rather…

      give the person on your left a massage and “happy ending”

       OR

      give the person on your right a thorough prostate exam?

       Would you rather…

      tongue-kiss the person to your left

       OR

      get slapped by the person on your right?

       FUN WITH PUPPETS

       Would you rather…

      have sex with Big Bird

       OR

      Cookie Monster?

      Things to consider: CM’s voracious appetite, contracting a Bird Flu STD

       Would you rather…

      have sex with The Count

       OR

      Snuffleupagus?

      Things to consider: the Count’s OCD, Snuffy produces 18 gallons of ejaculate upon orgasm

       ROBBIN’ THE CRADLE

       Would you rather…

      have sex with the offspring of Josh Duhamel and Fergie when it grows up OR the child of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise?

      the offspring of Gisele and Tom Brady OR of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt?

      the offspring of Seal and Heidi Klum OR David and Victoria