Would You Rather...? The Big Book. Justin Heimberg

able to defecate only in birdhouses?

       Would you rather…

      have a government agent on three-way calling for all of your phone calls

       OR

      have an attention-seeking Dane Cook on three-way for all your calls?

       Would you rather…

      have a harelip

       OR

      lip hair?

      Things to consider: Lip hair is comprised of a dozen 10-inch-long hairs which cannot be cut.

       Would you rather…

      have all your text messages broadcast on highway amber alert signs

       OR

      have all your text messages sent to your parents?

       Would you rather…

      always have to be talking to stay awake

       OR

      always have to be moving at least 1 mph?

       Would you rather…

      have surgically implanted bull’s horns

       OR

      surgically implanted bull’s balls?

      Things to consider: the extra weight

       Would you rather…

      only be able sleep sharing a bed with a manatee

       OR

      only be able to shower with the Wayans brothers?

       Would you rather…

      be stuck in a North Korean prison with Jackie Chan

       OR

      MacGyver?

       CATS VS. DOGS

       Would you rather…

      be overwhelmingly compelled to chase squirrels and mailmen like a dog

       OR

      have a tendency to casually crawl onto people’s laps to take naps like a cat?

       Would you rather…

      every time you’re in a car, have to hang your head out the window like a dog (including when you are driving)

       OR

      have to take dumps in a litter box?

       Would you rather…

      be mortally terrified of triangles

       OR

      of the number 4?

      Things to consider: pizza slices, the dreaded isosceles, 4:44.

       Would you rather…

      only be able to communicate using movie quotes

       OR

      only be able to speak in Lolcat language?

       Would you rather…

      have all your dates chaperoned by WWE giant, The Big Show

       OR

      have to invite a pack of Mormon missionaries to every party you have?

       Would you rather…

      address all women as “Bee-yotch” for the rest of your life

       OR

      all men as “My Liege”?

      Things to consider: business meetings, family dinners, being a contestant on a game show

       Would you rather…

      urinate out of your left nostril

       OR

      defecate only via a bio-prosthetic shoulder-mounted rocket launcher?

      Things to consider: using urinals, sneezing, aiming for enemies

       Would you rather…

      have constantly sweaty (to the point of dripping) palms

       OR

      invariably emit a 10-second fart when hugged?

       Would you rather…

      have living bowel movements that are in the shape of fecal hamsters

       OR

      randomly puke up a dozen hermit crabs once a week?

       Would you rather…

      get a tattoo of an accurate ruler up your arm

       OR

      a tip percentage chart on the back of your hand?

       Would you rather…

      have all the steps in your house replaced with chutes and ladders

       OR

      have all your furniture made of adjustable Legos?

       Would you rather…

      fashion underwear out of crumb-filled potato chip bags

       OR

      wear socks full of centipedes?

       Would you rather…

      have broccoli hair

       OR

      croissant skin?

      Things to consider: healthy snack hair cut, flaking

       Would you rather…

      lose your teeth every week like a Tiger Shark

       OR

      shed your skin once a week like a snake?

       Would you rather…

      have your skin made out of sticky Wacky Wall Walker material

       OR

      have your body made out of Nerf material?

      Things to consider: constantly collecting dirt and lint, getting really heavy in the swimming pool

       Would you rather…

      have to “log-roll” anytime you are standing still to avoid falling over

       OR

      perpetually have involuntary movements as if you are swatting gnats out of your face?

       Would you rather…

      compulsively head-butt anything you see that’s purple

       OR

      compulsively make out with anything orange?

      Things to consider: eggplant, pumpkins, grapes,