Checkout. Anna Sam

you open?

      CHECKOUT GIRL

      I’m not but my till is! Hello!

      DEVIOUS CUSTOMER

      Excellent!

      The customer’s four items are scanned.

      CHECKOUT GIRL

      £5.45 please.

      DEVIOUS CUSTOMER

      Hang on, my girlfriend’s just coming – she forgot something.

      Five minutes later, still no girlfriend in sight and the queue of customers is building up behind him.

      CHECKOUT GIRL (sensing the mounting tension)

      Can I ask you to wait to one side?

      DEVIOUS CUSTOMER (who’s oblivious to the tension but is annoyed by the question)

      She’s coming! Can’t you wait just a second?

      And indeed at that moment the checkout girl sees her arrive with … two baskets filled to the brim.

      CUSTOMER BEHIND THE DEVIOUS CUSTOMER

      Don’t mind me!

      The checkout girl privately thinks the waiting customer is right to be aggrieved.

      DEVIOUS CUSTOMER

      I queued too, you know, like everyone else!

      Tactic 2

      The devious customer runs up with her trolley and starts to empty it on to the conveyor belt.

      CHECKOUT GIRL

      Hello!

      But the devious customer has already disappeared, leaving her trolley still half full. The checkout girl tells herself that she’ll be back in a minute and starts scanning the items on the conveyor belt.

      Another customer arrives.

      CHECKOUT GIRL (conciliatory)

      Hello, the person in front of you will be back in just a minute.

      The other customer sighs. Two minutes later there is still no sign of the first customer.

      CUSTOMER 2 (not happy)

      I’ve got other things to do, you know!

      CHECKOUT GIRL (embarrassed)

      She’ll be right back, I promise.

      Two minutes later, still no one.

      CUSTOMER 2 (aggressive)

      This is beyond a joke!

      CHECKOUT GIRL (very, very embarrassed)

      I’m sorry.

      CUSTOMER 2

      Sorry! Well, that’s not good enough. I’m changing tills. It’s outrageous!

      And the second customer changes tills just as the devious customer calmly returns with her arms full.

      DEVIOUS CUSTOMER

      If I’d known you had no one waiting I wouldn’t have rushed!

      Tactic 3

      The checkout girl has no one at her till and indicates to an elderly customer waiting nearby that she should come to her till. The customer hurries over as fast as she is able and when she is almost there, a man rushes up and does a flashy fishtail move with his trolley. He immediately starts putting his shopping on the conveyor belt.

      CHECKOUT GIRL

      Excuse me, sir, this lady was here before you.

      DEVIOUS CUSTOMER (without so much as a glance at the lady in question)

      You’re joking! Hurry up, I haven’t got all day.

      The elderly customer indicates to the checkout girl that it doesn’t matter. Shame …

      Tactic 4

      The checkout girl serves several customers and then turns to find an empty trolley without an owner. Five other customers are waiting behind.

      CHECKOUT GIRL (to the customer behind the empty trolley)

      Come past please.

      As the checkout girl is serving the third customer in line, the owner of the empty trolley rushes up with two bags full of shopping and unhesitatingly pushes in front.

      THIRD CUSTOMER

      Excuse me but I was here before you!

      VERY DEVIOUS CUSTOMER (pointing at the empty trolley)

      Excuse me but I was here before you!

      If the third customer decides not to let this go the atmosphere will turn ugly very quickly. Abuse will fly and a fight could break out. And frankly, the very, very devious customer has behaved so badly that you’d have to be a saint to stay calm.

      The checkout girl, with the best seat in the house, keeps score and leaves them to get on with it.