Checkout. Anna Sam

and speaking very loudly indeed)

      £13.50 please!

      CUSTOMER (with a quick glance at the checkout girl but continuing calmly to collect his shopping)

      … you’re the one who never listens to me. You should wash your hands every time you go out.

      CHECKOUT GIRL (clenching her fists and speakingreally, really loudly)

      Do you have a loyalty card?

      CUSTOMER (inserting his bank card into the machinewithout glancing up)

      … I get it, I’m not deaf. You’re so grumpy whenyou’re ill.

      The customer grabs the receipt from the checkoutgirl’s hand as if she were a ticket machine.

      CUSTOMER (moving away with his shopping, still onthe phone and still talking loudly)

      … It’s a good thing everyone’s not like you.

      CHECKOUT GIRL (really loudly but only in her head)

      And it’s a good thing everyone’s not like you. What an idiot!

      And she decides not to bother with a goodbye. Every small victory counts.

      Don’t feel sorry for yourself. You’ve just had an unforgettable experience – for a few minutes you have been completely invisible. And look on the bright side; you might get to experience the same thing again but with a subtle difference.

      CUSTOMER (on the phone)

      Blah blah blah …

      CHECKOUT GIRL

      Hello!

      CUSTOMER (looking at the checkout girl)

      Hello. (And eyes immediately focusing elsewhere) So,as I was saying … blah blah blah …

      I’m not exaggerating.

      But there really is a reason to look on the bright side. It’s not impossible that you will come across this rare specimen:

      CUSTOMER (on the phone)

      I’ll call you back, I’m at the till.

      The customer hangs up and puts his phone away.

      CHECKOUT GIRL (with a really big, sincere smile)

      Hello!

      CUSTOMER (returning her smile)

      Hello!

      Isn’t life great? Well yes, but don’t get carried away. That kind of customer is very, very, very rare. People who have met them still talk about it …

      Now, if you are particularly sensitive about appearing invisible and this is your second year behind the till (surely you’re used to it by now?!) you might want to do this instead:

      CUSTOMER (on the phone)

      Blah blah blah …

      CHECKOUT GIRL (scanning products quickly while … talking on her hands-free kit)

      Blah blah blah …

      CUSTOMER (looking at the checkout girl)

      Don’t you have any bags?

      CHECKOUT GIRL (without glancing at the customer)

      No. (And immediately) As I was saying, blah blahblah …

      In your dreams – no, not even in your dreams. A checkout girl must always act like a checkout girl. And a checkout girl does not use the phone at work! At least not until computers have replaced her entirely. Some customers appear to think they already have.

       ENTERTAINING THE SUPERMARKET

      Another job which is almost as desirable as yours is the supermarket compere’s. This strange specimen is wheeled out on very special occasions: Mother’s Day, Grandparents’ Day, Gardening Day, Green Plants Day, the First Day of Spring, the First Day of Summer, the First Day of Winter, Red Wine Day, White Wine Day, Beer Day, Pork Pie Day, Scotch Egg Day, Salmon Day, Chocolate Cake Day, etc. You’ll soon learn that any occasion is a good excuse for a party. And on those days how you will regret not being a customer. All those special offers and presents galore you will miss out on …

      And you will very soon realise that not just anyone can be a supermarket compere.

      You need a nice voice (well, a voice) and a lot of endurance. Supermarket comperes have to be able to talk into their microphone almost all day without stopping (which will rapidly make you detest them).

      They also have to be convincing.

      COMPERE (into the microphone)

      Ladies and gentlemen, today we have a wonderful, magnificent, sublime, gigantic special offer: buy two sausages and get the third free! Wonderful value if you’re planning a superb, magnificent family barbecue!

      And they must be good at the schmaltz.

      COMPERE

      … Ah, a family barbecue … What could be nicer than a family barbecue? What could be more touching? So don’t forget, tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Do something nice for Mum! For only £2.54!

      They must enjoy travel.

      COMPERE

      I am currently in the bread-products aisle. Come and join me as we taste French pastries, lovingly made by artisans: croissants, pains au chocolat, pains aux raisins, just some of their specialities!

      They have to have the charm of Chris Tarrant (generally they think they are Chris Tarrant).

      COMPERE (to a customer)

      So, madam, what is the capital of France? Paris, Berlin or Madrid? The right answer will win you this wonderful, amazing, magnificent barometer …

      COMPERE

      Um, I don’t know.

      COMPERE

      Do you want to phone a friend? (The compere laughs heartily as he says this – comperes also need a sense of humour.)

      CUSTOMER

      OK.

      COMPERE

      OK, I’m your friend. Here’s a clue: it starts with ‘P’.

      CUSTOMER

      Peterborough!

      COMPERE (surprised)

      Uh … no. The answer was Paris. But never mind, madam. Since it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow, you win this wonderful, amazing, magnificent bouquet of flowers!

      And finally they need to be resourceful.

      COMPERE (into the microphone)

      Little Johnny has lost his mum and dad. Could they come quickly to the pet-food aisle. Their little boy really needs to go to the loo!

      So you see, it’s true. Not everyone has the skills to be a supermarket compere. You will come to admire them for their ability to make so much of so little. It’s a highwire act!

      Hats (and microphones) off to them.

       I’VE SAVED A PLACE

      Some people have a real phobia about queuing. But how can you avoid it at the supermarket, or the