Checkout. Anna Sam

      ‘Why do you want to work with us?’

      Yes, even to be a checkout girl, you have to come up with a good reason.

      Try one of the following:

      ‘Because I’ve always dreamt of working in a supermarket!’

      If you want them to believe you, say it with a lot of conviction and make your eyes sparkle with enthusiasm at the same time. Not easy.

      ‘Because my mother was a checkout girl!’

      Same conviction and enthusiasm required as for the previous suggestion.

      ‘Because like you I want to “make life taste better”.’ or ‘Because, as you say, “Every little helps!”’

      Stretching it a little, I know, but such devotion is always well received. So you might as well. You have to be careful though. Not all the slogans work. You might be wary of passing yourself off as ‘Everyone’s favourite ingredient’.

      ‘I’m a student. I need a part-time job to support myself.’

      The classic answer but very convincing. And managers really like students. They grumble less than old people and don’t mind working at weekends. So it’s an excellent answer. Of course, if you’re not actually a student you have to look young enough to be credible. You shouldn’t have too much of a problem up to the age of thirty or thirty-five.

      ‘I need a job to survive.’

      Avoid this answer – even if it’s true, the manager will think you’re ‘not very motivated’, ‘lacking team spirit’, ‘unsuited to the store’s commercial ambitions’ and your application risks being relegated to the bottom of the pile (which is enormous, by the way).

      But there are many answers that will impress. For inspiration pretend that you’re applying to be a lawyer, instead of a checkout operator. Come on, use your imagination!

       YOURS STATISTICALLY

      Here are a few things to ponder if you are to be an unbeatable checkout girl:

       About 750,000 people work for super markets in the UK (you’ll be joining a nice big family!).

       15–20 items must be scanned every minute.This can increase to 45 at some discount chains. So the checkout girl has to handle customers’ shopping without proper consideration, leading to damaged goods if customers can’t keep up with the pace, which, of course, is nearly always the case. Well, they’re not paid according to their performance – but neither is the checkout girl actually …

       700 to 800 items scanned per hour.

       21,000 to 24,000 items scanned per week.

       800 kg of goods are lifted per hour (more than this on good days).

       96 to 120 tonnes lifted per week (the equivalent of four HGVs!).

       Per year? Get out your calculator (not provided by your store).

      Do I look like a bodybuilder? Well, hardly. Quite often I feel about seventy.

      Every week you can consult the checkout-operator league table to find out who has taken the most money and whether you have been a tortoise or a hare. Don’t panic. There’s no reward (not even a bottle of ketchup) for the winner. But your parents and children will be really proud of you.

      Every day you will say on average:

       250 hellos

       250 goodbyes

       500 thank yous

       200 ‘Do you have a loyalty card?’

       70 ‘Please enter your PIN’

       70 ‘Please take your card’

       30 ‘The toilets are over there’

      and many other similarly poetic lines.

      You’re not a robot, are you? Of course not! A robot doesn’t smile.

       Your average monthly pay: £800 net.

       Hours worked a week:30 (or 26, 24, 20 but rarely the full 35).

      But let’s get one thing straight. Don’t think you’ll be able to top up your hours with part-time work. Your manager will ensure that your rota will change every week. Of course you could always work as a cleaner from 5 a.m. until 8 a.m.or take in ironing. You didn’t want any time for family, did you? Well done, you’ve chosen the ideal job.

      Here’s an example of a 30-hour week:

       Monday:9 a.m. to 2.30 p.m. (working time: 5½ hours; break time:16 minutes)

       Tuesday: rest day

       Wednesday:3 p.m. to 8.45 p.m. (working time:5 hours 45 minutes; break time:17 minutes)

       Thursday:1.45 p.m. to 5.15 p.m. (working time:3½ hours; break time:10 minutes)

       Friday: 3.15 p.m. to 9 p.m. (working time:5 hours 45 minutes; break time:17 minutes)

       Saturday:9 a.m. to 1 p.m./3.30 p.m. to 9.15 p.m. (working time:9 hours 45 minutes; break time:12 minutes and 17 minutes)

      And the following week? Don’t worry, your hours will be completely different.

      You’ll be told your new schedule two weeks in advance, three weeks in advance if the person who creates the rota is particularly zealous, or twenty-four hours in advance if a lot of cashiers are away.

      Six hours fifteen minutes is the maximum number of hours you can work on the till without a break (in theory, although some employment contracts contravene this).

      You’re entitled to three break minutes per hour worked, so if you want eighteen minutes to eat, you need to have worked at least six hours. You can forget about nice hot meals.

      So there you have it. That’s your dream job … is it all you hoped for? You have the supermarkets to thank for that.

       ‘HANG ON A MINUTE, I’M AT THE CHECKOUT!’

      Ah, mobile phones. What a marvellous invention. It’s just incredible all the things they can do: play music, show TV, send emails, follow the stock market … Incidentally they also enable us to make calls when and where we want. But that’s not all mobile phones can do. Some can even make a man (or a woman) invisible – and it’s not only the most expensive models that can do it. The fact that checkout girls are pretty invisible anyway, helps with this trick.

      CUSTOMER (on the phone, talking loudly as if he were on his own at home)

      But I’m already at the till! Couldn’t you have told me earlier that you wanted bananas?

      CHECKOUT GIRL (very loudly to remind him that he is at the till and not at home)

      Hello!

      CUSTOMER (apparently he still thinks he’s at home)

      Go out tonight? Are you feeling better then?

      CHECKOUT GIRL (who has worked fast so that he soon will be at home)

      £13.50 please.

      CUSTOMER (collecting his shopping with one hand and not moving fast at all)

      I’m sure it’s a stomach bug. I hope you haven’t given it to me. I don’t want to spend all night on the loo.