Checkout. Anna Sam

lot of time here – the Office where you’ll be given your float and … well, that’s it.

      Now you know enough about the store to get down to work. You’ll have plenty of time to explore your new workplace further during your breaks. It will make them more fun.

      The first time you approach the tills in your wonderful Chanel or Dior uniform, or your hideous overall (depending on the store and the kind of customers they want to attract) with your float under your arm (the equivalent of several days’ salary no less) you are bound to feel a bit intimidated. Take a deep breath. That feeling will pass.

      Right, you’ve found your till, organised your float and settled in. You’re really concentrating and really motivated. The ‘old hand’ is beside you and you’re all ears. You’re ready to work. Not a moment too soon.

      The main things to remember are: scan the items (with a quick glance to check that the price looks right), add up the total, tell the customer, ask for a loyalty card, take payment, give the customer their change, ask for ID if necessary and give them the receipt. All with a nice sincere smile. Of course. And then ‘Thank-you-have-a-nice-day’ and on to the next customer. Shall I go through it again?

      To begin with it might seem that you have to work fast, too fast – especially if you start on a busy day. But it’ll soon become automatic and you won’t pay too much attention to what you’re doing. Within a month it will be as if you and your till were one.

      Time has flown by and the ‘old hand’ is already giving you less and less advice. It’s all sinking in. You’re becoming expert at scanning items and giving change. Well done! It’s really not that complicated – you just need to know what to do when and the rest comes of its own accord.

      Right, now the ‘old hand’ is leaving you to manage on your own. You’ll be able to scan your first items independently. Hurrah! What a treat that will be.

      Actually, apart from the bee-eep of the scanner, it’s not very exciting … fortunately there’s lots of interaction with customers (but be patient, more on that later).

      Oh yes, I almost forgot. There’s a part that’s not that easy but, strangely, it’s quite interesting. You have to learn all the code numbers by heart for items that are sold by the unit: lemons, peppers, garlic, artichokes, etc. Don’t panic. There aren’t that many and if you forget there is a prompt sheet on the till. And you can always ask your colleagues, Jessica, Emma, Kate, Sarah, who are never far away. Best not forget their names – not easy when you have about a hundred colleagues.

      Your first day is almost over. The last customers are leaving and the store is closing. So what are your first impressions? Actually, it’s quite a fun job. You scan lots of items (and discover things you didn’t know how to use or even existed), you chat with people, you have pleasant colleagues, you listen to music all day and it’s nice and warm.

      A dream job. Well, almost. You have to come back and do it all again tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after that. And, as time goes by, getting up in the morning to go to your dream job won’t be quite so appealing.

      Believe me.

       THE TOP 3 QUESTIONS ASKED AT THE TILL

      Pay attention please. This store’s exclusive welcome gift to you is a set of the top three customer questions:

      – ‘Where are the toilets?’

       – ‘Don’t you have any bags?’

       – ‘Are you open?’

      Out of context they’re not so bad. But wait until you’re behind your till. By the end of the day these questions will make you want to commit an act of violence (or, at the very least, have a good scream). Judge for yourself.

      The most urgent question: ‘Where are the toilets?’

      CUSTOMER (rushing up and usually quite flustered)

      Where are the toilets?

      CHECKOUT GIRL (obliged to interrupt her conversation with another customer) Hello!

      The customer does not reply.

      CHECKOUT GIRL (sighing but only inwardly)

      Over there.

      And she points at the big glossy sign saying ‘Toilets’ hanging just opposite the tills. The customer rushes off. No ‘thank you’ or ‘goodbye’ or even ‘damn it’. Takes too long. When you’ve got to go …

      The most aggressive question: ‘Don’t you have any bags?’

      One of this millennium’s greatest revolutions is the disappearance of the complimentary plastic bags offered to customers by supermarkets. Some people find this very irritating, especially the first time they come across it. They see it as a money-making scam. Their reasoning is as follows: ‘If the store doesn’t provide free bags any more, they can sell them to customers and boost their profits.’ That thought had occurred to me too. But I also have the urge to say to my customers, ‘Think about the future and all the beautiful countryside there will be without plastic. Isn’t the sea a nicer place without bags floating in it?’

      Now the disappearance of plastic bags is pretty much accepted. You no longer see irritated customers abandoning their overflowing trolleys at the till. Yes, that did used to happen. But you might still be lucky enough to experience the following:

      CHECKOUT GIRL (who has scanned the customer’s three items)

      £2.56 please.

      The customer pays by cheque (yes, really – he doesn’t have any cash, you see).

      CUSTOMER (who is looking about at the end of the conveyor belt for bags for his pre-packaged tomatoes, his pre-packaged salad and his pre-packaged apples) Don’t you have any bags?

      CHECKOUT GIRL (for the thirtieth time in less than two hours)

      Supermarkets don’t provide plastic bags any more. There are boxes in the storeroom or we have recyclable bags for 10p, which can be exchanged when they wear out.

      CUSTOMER (furious, his eyes almost popping out of his head)

      Couldn’t you have told me before I paid?

      CHECKOUT GIRL (sighing deeply but again only inwardly) Sorry, but we haven’t provided bags for several months now. (Smiling at the customer) Why don’t you just carry your shopping as it is? Everything is already wrapped in plastic.

      Even more furious, the customer takes his apples and his salad … and departs minus his tomatoes. After all, he only has two hands.

      The most annoying question: ‘Are you open?’

      So you aim to be the best, most polite, and friendliest checkout girl? OK, that’s your right and it’s very admirable (although don’t forget how little you’re paid). But promise me that you will never let anyone address you as if you were your till. You are a human being, not a machine that beeps. It’s not only customers who have rights. Here are a few suggestions as to how to deal with confused customers:

      CUSTOMER

      Are you open?

      THE POLITE CHECKOUT GIRL

      I’m not but my till is.

      THE SARCASTIC CHECKOUT GIRL

      Beeeeeep!

       (If the customer is really good-looking)