Checkout. Anna Sam

you?

      I can’t guarantee what reaction you’ll get to any of the above.

      Over time, you’ll find that some customers vary the question:

      – ‘Are you closed?’

       – ‘Is she open?’

       – ‘Are you available?’

       – ‘Can I come over to you?’

      It’s up to you how you interpret them …

       AN HAUTE COUTURE FASHION SHOW

      Do you care about your appearance? Do you hate uniforms? I’m sorry to have to remind you then that even though checkout girls sit behind tills, that is not enough to identify them as checkout girls and so, to avoid any confusion, you have to wear a uniform. Anyway, how else would you feel like you were part of a big family, the big brand family of the chain you work for? Your uniform is essential if you are to give of your best.

      Here are the various spring/summer/autumn/winter collections that await you.

      The glamorous uniform

      A suit with a skirt (generally navy blue) and flowery scarf (tastefully poking out of the pocket of your jacket). Flat shoes to match your shirt (generally white) and to be bought with your own money. Did you dream of being an air hostess when you were little? If so, this outfit will make you feel your dream has been fulfilled. A budget airline though, I hope that’s OK. You could also use it for a wedding, bar mitzvah or award ceremony (delete as necessary). Isn’t life great?

      Watch out though, don’t make any abrupt movements. The stitches (made in China) are fragile and frankly the clothes aren’t very well cut.

      The grandma uniform

      Do you need something to wear to put the bin out? Now you have just the thing, thanks to these wonderful shapeless black waistcoats and skirts or black pleated trousers size XXL. Even if you’re only in your twenties, beware the attentions of the elderly. If you’re hoping to attract customers under seventy, however, forget it, there’s no chance. Oh and don’t forget to have your knitting ready to complete the outfit.

      Your queue will be the spiritual home of grannies.

      The farmer’s wife

      This consists of an extra-large overall (colour ranging from electric blue to piglet pink) with poppers. Whether you’re pregnant or not, people will assume you’re eight months gone (or, if you’re a man, that you’re obese). Completely stain-and waterproof, so invaluable when it rains.

      The clown costume

      This one has a bright-red jacket over a shirt of a vile green, patterned with large flowers, and wide trousers of an indefinable colour. All that’s missing for the Ronald McDonald look is the red nose. The customers certainly won’t miss you. But you’ll hope your friends will, so don’t encourage them to stop by – you’ll never hear the end of it.

      The cheap uniform

      Here we have a polo shirt, sleeveless waistcoat or T-shirt, made in Taiwan, and vaguely in the chain’s colours (before washing, that is). This garb is worn by all employees of the store, regardless of their role. The stores that favour this style are experts at saving the pennies. Better hope it’s one of these stores that offers you a job. Besides, of all the options, you will look slightly less ridiculous in this one than in the others. I won’t go any further than that. And the feeling of belonging to a big family will be even more pronounced.

      Just to complete the fashion show, be aware that if you arrive at a bad time of year you might have to mix styles and find yourself wearing the Glamour/Clown, the Grandma/Farmer’s Wife or the Clown/Grandma … Won’t that be hilarious?

      In any event, avoid looking at yourself too often in the mirror at work if you don’t want to have a breakdown or be forced to resist the urge to laugh like a madman in front of every customer.

       CASHING UP: THE SEARCH FOR THE MISSING COIN

      It is 9.05 p.m. That was your first real day. You have just served your last and 289th customer. You’ve been behind the till for eight hours with two fifteen-minute breaks. You’re tired. You dream of one thing – going to bed and sleeping until 6 a.m. tomorrow.

      Oi, wake up! The day isn’t over yet!

      You still have to clean your work station (you weren’t naïve enough to think that a cleaner was going to do it for you, were you?) and cash up (you didn’t have the cheek to think that you were being paid to do nothing, did you?). Count yourself lucky, at least here you don’t have to clean the aisles.

      Right, hurry up, over to the Office with your cash box!

      Sit down over there with your colleagues and find a pen and paper. Don’t yawn, you haven’t finished work yet! Start by counting your coins, then your notes and finally your coin rolls. I say ‘your’ but obviously they’re not really yours. Oh actually, count them in whatever order you please – you still have the right to make that choice. Don’t let yourself be distracted by the chatter, the doors opening and closing and the rattling of coins. Concentrate or you’ll regret it when you find yourself with the joy of recounting.

      Not enough light? Don’t complain, think of it as a relaxing soft light after the blinding glare of the store.

      15 minutes later

      OK, you have scrupulously noted how many 1p, 2p, 5p, 10p, 20p and 50p pieces, and £1 and £2 coins you have. And the number of £5, £10, £20 and £50 notes. And the number of coin rolls … Calm down, now. Yes, you have a small fortune in your hands. But don’t think about that. Instead, think about your salary at the end of the month. That will bring you back down to earth again …

      Add it all up and then subtract your till float (yes, the £150 in cash that was in your cash box at the start of the day).

      ‘Right, 173, how much? 173?! Yes, that’s you!’

      ‘I have a name!’

      ‘Yes, I know, but it’s quicker this way. So, 173?’

      ‘£3,678.65!’

      ‘Count again, 173, you’ve made a mistake! I warned you. You weren’t concentrating properly.’

      ‘Am I way out? Or just a little? Under? Over?’

      ‘Just count it again.’

      10 minutes later

      ‘£3,678.15!’

      ‘OK. Before you go, check that your cheques and discount vouchers are safely put away. We’re not your skivvies, you know.’

      9.35 p.m. You take off your overall in the locker room. You only have five minutes to catch your bus. Good night and sweet dreams (full of beeeeps, hellos, goodbyes … perhaps not).

       THE JOB INTERVIEW

      I’ve forgotten to mention something very important about your job interview. I’ll put that right straight away. It doesn’t matter if you have never worked before, you don’t know how