The Complete Plays of J. M. Barrie - 30 Titles in One Edition. Джеймс Барри

PENNY in punt.)

      W. G. (on deck). You girls, isn’t it time you were dressing for the cricket match?

      BELL. I am dressed, simplex munditiis. (Exit.)

      W. G. Don’t I know girls always have to change their dress before they can do anything?

      NANNY. Well, what shall I wear? I have nothing fit to be seen in. The blue? the pink? the lace? the check?

      W. G. What a lot you have!

      NANNY. I haven’t. All last year’s things — nearly. No, I won’t change my dress, but I must do something to celebrate Mr. McPhail’s success, and I need your help, W. G.

      W. G. Something to do with clothes? (NANNY nods yes.) Look here, if you think I am to let you try your hats on me again, I won’t!

      NANNY. It isn’t that, but in honour of Mr. McPhail’s success I have decided to make my waist smaller.

      W. G. Why, it’s too tight already.

      NANNY. Nonsense — see there — W. G., there’s a darling, pull the belt tighter, won’t you?

      W. G. Balbus! here’s a pin. (Pulls.) How’s that?

      NANNY. Tighter!

      W. G. (putting his knee to her). Iz! iz! iz!

      NANNY. Tighter! (With difficulty) I’m sure I can stand another two inches.

      W. G. Iz! iz! iz! iz! (Lets go.) Now see if you can breathe!

      NANNY (gasping). Qu — quite — quite easily.

      (W. G. exits.)

      JASPER (enters smoking pipe. Gloomily). I’m doing no harm — and yet if they saw that paragraph they would call me an impostor — just because I’m a poor man. I wonder if Sarah went back to London when she couldn’t find me here? Sarah! I am in a mess! When I am in a mess my thoughts turn to Sarah. Sarah is the girl for me, and I’ll have no more dizziness on board this houseboat. (Pulls himself together.) I won’t. (Sits.)

      NANNY (comes down ladder). I feel like a stuffed doll. Papa — mamma — papa — ma — ma — (Sees JASPER and goes out to him on bank.) Smoking again, Colonel?

      (JASPER is about to pocket pipe.)

      Don’t! I like it!

      JASPER. You do? Then perhaps — (Holds out cigarette cast to her. She signs caution, goes on tiptoe to saloon door, looks at MRS. GOLIGHTLY, shuts door, comes back and takes cigarette which he lights for her, sitting on bank.)

      NANNY. I am sure I look horrid!

      JASPER. Beautiful!

      NANNY. Is this the right way?

      JASPER. So exactly right that if I did not know better, I should think you had tried it before.

      NANNY. Never! (Looks suspiciously at him.)

      JASPER (looking sentimentally at NANNY). Miss O’Brien — ah — what a pretty name yours is!

      NANNY. Yes? But I’m getting tired of it.

      JASPER (impulsively). Nanny!

      NANNY (calmly). Yes?

      JASPER. Nanny, I — I — like you.

      NANNY. I am so glad. Isn’t this a lovely rose?

      JASPER. Ah, there are two of you.

      NANNY. Two what?

      JASPER. Two lovely roses. I should like one of them.

      NANNY. Which one?

      JASPER. Ah — ah — this one. (Pointing to rose.)

      NANNY. You can have it. (Gives it to him, putting it in his buttonhole.) How long will you keep it?

      JASPER. Till I die! (Aside) Oh, Sarah, look after me, I’m slipping. (Taking NANNY’S hands.) Nanny, what little hands you’ve got.

      NANNY. Six and a quarter. (He drops hands.)

      JASPER. YOU have little feet too. (She pulls them beneath dress.) Don’t you ever have to light a candle to look for them?

      (Sighs.)

      NANNY. I believe you feel that dizziness again, Colonel. Lean on me.

      JASPER. I feel it coming on again now.

      (JASPER leans on NANNY’S shoulder.) I like being dizzy.

      NANNY. Is that better?

      JASPER. Much. I could do with a lot of this! (Putting fingers through NANNY’S hair.) Lovely hair you have.

      NANNY. Do you think so?

      JASPER (dreamily). What do you use? (Confused) I mean — I was thinking of the way they oil their hair in Africa. Same way as they do the caravan wheels.

      NANNY. Oh, Africa? You must often have felt lonely there.

      JASPER. Very lonely. No ladies’ society.

      NANNY. Dreadful! And a man needs it, doesn’t he?

      JASPER. He do — he does. I missed it so much that when I see a pretty girl now my first impulse is to put my arm round her.

      NANNY. How strange!

      JASPER. All the result of my solitude in Africa. (Puts arm round her.) Nanny, dear Nanny — I can’t help it — I am turned on! — dearest Nanny, will you be my — (Comes to his senses.) Sarah, I’m slipping.

      NANNY. Your —

      JASPER. You little beauty! My wife? (Aside) Sarah, I have slipped.

      NANNY (who has retreated from him — aside). He has said it! I am so glad, for it is nice to be asked. (Loud) Oh, Colonel Neil, I am so sorry. You cannot say that I gave you any encouragement?

      JASPER. No, I’ll take my oath you didn’t.

      NANNY. I never dreamt of this. But you know, I can’t. Mr. McPhail would be so hurt — not that he has asked me, yet I must say no.

      JASPER (aside). Hurray! Jolly glad of it, got me out of a mess —

      NANNY. Let me be a sister to you.

      JASPER (aside). Capital! She’d make a scrumptious little sister!

      NANNY. I feel so honoured, and of course I won’t tell a soul, so you needn’t go away.

      JASPER (aside). Go away! Why should I go away?

      NANNY. Dear Colonel Neil, I am so sorry to pain you. Do tell your sister that you know she is so sorry.

      JASPER (turning round). My little sister! (Is about to kiss her when she escapes from him and runs into saloon.) I am going it.

      NANNY (at saloon window). I might have let him kiss me. It would please him, and it wouldn’t hurt me. (Looks out.) Colonel Neil, you may.

      JASPER. May I? I will — (They stretch their heads at window, kiss and withdraw heads.) Oh, Sarah, I’ve slipped. Oh, this is better than the shop. (His pipe won’t draw, he blows down it in vain, then puts stem of rose up to clear it, and flings rose away.) Ah, that’s better!

      (Enter MRS. GOLIGHTLY.)

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY (on bank). Colonel, please tell W. G. that I want him to help me to wind this wool.

      W. G. (looking down). Can’t, Mater, it would tire me for the match. (Sits on deck, whittling with knife.)

      JASPER. She’d make a nice sister, too. May I? (Holds out arms.)

      MRS.