The Complete Plays of J. M. Barrie - 30 Titles in One Edition. Джеймс Барри

I feel as if I was. (Sits.)

      (Cuckoo calls three times.)

      BEN. Do you hear that? I tell you what, I believe you ‘re the cuckoo in the hen’s nest and that’s your mate acalling to you.

      (Cuckoo once.)

      There, it’s indignant it is. You see if it don’t come aboard and claim you yet!

      NANNY (looking down). You are not going away, Ben. I want you to tell us of Colonel Neil’s bravery again and again.

      JASPER. It was nothing. (To BEN) Crack me up!

      BEN. Well, you see, Miss, she was drifting to the weir —

      JASPER. Desist, Ben. (To BEN) Keep it up!

      (MRS. GOLIGHTLY enters on deck.)

      BEN. When sudden like this brave gentleman —

      PENNY (entering). Tea or coffee, sir?

      JASPER. Both! (To BEN) Cut!

      BEN. I’ll be saying ‘morning,’ ma’am, if you can lend me the punt. Curious, ma’am, as some should be so wet when others is so dry!

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY (on deck). Ah! (Gives him money.) You can drink the Colonel’s health with that.

      BEN. And the young lady’s. The young lady’s health, ma’am, coupled with the name of her preserver — her preserver!

      (Exit BEN in punt.)

      JASPER (aside). An impudent fellow!

      (PENNY enters on deck with dishes, W. G. follows with tea and coffee. They place them on table, penny rings bell and exits.)

      W. G. Breakfast! Come on, everybody! (Takes seat at table.)

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Come, Colonel! (Takes head of table.)

      (Cuckoo once.)

      JASPER (stumbles at stern). Confound the cuckoo!

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. You are more exhausted than you said!

      (Enter BELL with ANDREW.)

      JASPER. It is only a dizziness I am subject to.

      BELL. Lean on me — do. (Takes his arm. To ANDREW, who enters saloon) How forgetful of us. You are wet!

      JASPER. It is nothing.

      ANDREW. Come to my bunk, and I’ll give you some dry things, Colonel. (Exit.)

      (BELL goes up ladder to deck, JASPER stands at window with a grin.)

      NANNY. He is middle-aged, but delightful!

      BELL. Not handsome exactly, but how modest!

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Perhaps a little wanting in polish —

      NANNY. Because he is no mere Piccadilly lounger, W. G. I bet he has shot lions!

      BELL. He is a hero!

      ALL. Yes, yes.

      JASPER. Oh, this is better than the shop! If I don’t spend all my honeymoon in this houseboat, my name isn’t Jasper Phipps — I mean, Colonel Neil —

      (SARAH comes along bank walking slowly, and in passing looks in at saloon window but none of them see her. JASPER sees her, gasps, and ducks head. She goes off. He looks after her in horror.)

      JASPER. Sarah! (With trembling hand he pulls down blind.)

      Oh, Jerusalem!

      ACT II

      The houseboat at midday. There is a broiling sun. Jasper is lying in the hammock telling African stories. Bell is holding up sunshade to protect him. Nanny is fanning him. Mrs. Golightly sits at window knitting. Penny is listening at door. On deck Andrew is gazing at towpath through a telescope and W. G. is practising cricket, the ball being suspended on a rope, hanging from a sort of crane. The punt is on.

      NANNY (breathlessly). And you killed him?

      JASPER. Yes, it was my life or theirs. They leapt upon me, brandishing their spears, but I lifted the chief in my arms and flung him with such force against his two warriors that all three were hurled over the precipice.

      PENNY. Oh my!

      BELL. And then you ran away?

      JASPER (calmly). Ran! No! I walked away, turning round every now and again to shoot another through the heart.

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. How brave!

      JASPER. It was nothing.

      PENNY (aside). He is a Nero. Haitch He Har Ho Nero.

      (Exits.)

      ANDREW (looking over). Miss O’Brien, the telegram with the result of my exams, may come at any moment now. Do you think I have passed?

      NANNY. Bother! Don’t you see I am fanning the dear Colonel?

      ANDREW. What do you think, Miss Golightly?

      BELL. I am busy, Mr. McPhail.

      ANDREW. What do you think, Mrs. Golightly?

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. 31, 32, 33, 34, 35. Tell us about Lake Nyanza, Colonel.

      ANDREW (to w g.). W. G., the women can do nothing but gape over Neil’s adventures. He has been here nearly a week now, and what good has he done me, except that I have to sleep on a shakedown in the saloon, while he gets the best bedroom?

      W. G. Isn’t this a tip-top idea for practising batting?

      (Hits.) I say, I saw the Colonel spooning Nanny last night!

      ANDREW. No, no — it was your sister — I saw him too.

      W. G. About eight o’clock?

      ANDREW. It was nearer nine, W. G. Eight.

      ANDREW. Nine. I thought he had his arm round her.

      W. G. He has to do that, he says, when one of his dizzy fits comes on.

      ANDREW. Hum! (Continues to look through glass, and W. G. BATS.)

      NANNY. Of course you travelled with a caravan?

      JASPER. A caravan? Not in Africa!

      (PENNY listens again.)

      BELL. But I thought all explorers did?

      JASPER. They do — yes, in a sense.

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. What is a caravan like, exactly?

      JASPER. Hum — ah — well, a covered-in van, you know, with brooms and baskets all over it and with two horses.

      BELL. I thought it meant the porters.

      JASPER. Yes, they march behind, except when they are in front, then of course they are not behind.

      (W. G. listens on deck.)

      NANNY. And is it true that the ladies dress — ah — lightly?

      JASPER. Mostly in telegraph wires —

      NANNY. What is the costume?

      JASPER. Oh, it’s nothing, W. G. Fancy?

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. NO, you mustn’t.

      (W. G. goes back and sits.)

      BELL. After all, these people are human beings — very like ourselves.

      NANNY. But, Bell, the women are sold to their husbands.

      BELL. So are most of our women, and they make willing slaves.

      MRS.