The Complete Plays of J. M. Barrie - 30 Titles in One Edition. Джеймс Барри

her life. I like that girl. Fancy her being at the Alhambra, though — even though it was a Spanish one.

      W. G. Look here, are you in thingummy with Upjohn?

      BELL. Hush, dear.

      W. G. Dear! You wouldn’t call me that unless you were in what’s its name.

      JASPER. I like the other one too.

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY (in low voice and looking at NANNY). Nanny, (Signs) has Mr. McPhail spoken to you yet? You know what I mean.

      NANNY. I wouldn’t let him, but some other body very nearly has. (Whispers.)

      W. G. If it isn’t Upjohn, it’s Neil.

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. The Colonel. (She nods.) Well!

      (They whisper.)

      BELL. I am not in love with Colonel Neil.

      W. G. Is he with you?

      BELL. Yes.

      W. G. Balbus!

      NANNY. Yes, Auntie the Colonel blew a ring of cigar smoke on to my engagement finger last night.

      JASPER. That dizziness has let me in for a lot of good things. I like being dizzy. It is a good, good wheeze being dizzy. I shall keep on being dizzy.

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. I am afraid that wouldn’t count in law. Besides, I thought he and Bell —

      NANNY. Whatever made you think that?

      (ANDREW is looking out of back window, NANNY goes to him. They go right off.)

      W. G. Then it isn’t Nanny the Colonel is fond of?

      BELL. Oh dear no!

      JASPER. She’s a nice little girl that Penny. I must keep my eye on her.

      (Exit.)

      W. G. I say, I’ll go out in the punt and see if I can spot Ben with the telegram.

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Ah, good boy. (Goes into saloon.)

      (W. G. exits in punt.)

      BELL (to herself). Yes, the Colonel does love me. Conventionality says that a woman should never know whether a man cares for her until he tells her. Well, perhaps she does not know even then, for Mr. Upjohn said he cared for me, and how much he cared he has shown since then. Not a word from him! But Colonel Neil’s love for me is real, I know it. He saved my life, he agrees with me in all my views as completely as Mr. Upjohn differed from me. I respect the one highly, while I detest the other. Then how is it that every time I try to think lovingly of Colonel Neil, my mind wanders to Mr. Upjohn? Bell Golightly, you might be some silly ninny in a London ballroom instead of a B.A.

      ANDREW (runs through saloon to deck). I see him! I see him! (Runs up ladder to deck.) I see Ben coming with the telegram.

      (MRS. GOLIGHTLY and NANNY hurry on deck.)

      Do you think I’ve passed? Do you? Do you? (Draws diagrams.)

      NANNY. Oh, I hope so! (Calling) Quick, you two.

      BEN (not yet in sight). Coming.

      (W. G. and BEN arrive in punt, Andrew snatches telegram from W. G. and hurries on deck again, bell, nanny and W. G. gather round him ben remains in punt.)

      NANNY. Open it! Here is a hairpin! (Gives him hairpin from her hair; he is nervous and lets it fall.)

      ANDREW. I — I — ah — do you think I’ve passed?

      W. G. (on ladder). Look and see.

      ANDREW. I — ah — the examiners had a spite at me.

      BELL. Mr. McPhail, I was perfectly calm when I took the fourth wranglership.

      ANDREW. You see, to pass means giving up all one’s old student life. What a loss that would be! It would mean taking a practice and attending infectious cases, and very likely dying of small-pox.

      W. G. Open it, you ass!

      ANDREW. So I didn’t want to pass. I purposely left several questions unanswered, because I didn’t want to pass.

      (NANNY snatches telegram from him, rips it open with another hairpin and reads to herself.)

      ALL. Well?

      (Enter JASPER.)

      ANDREW (gazing at NANNY). I did — didn’t want to pass.

      (She triumphantly hands him telegram. He looks at it, and slowly his face changes from fear to a transport of delight.) I’ve passed! I’ve passed! Great Scott! I’ve passed! (Falls hysterically into chair and telegram drops on deck. They shake his hand, he jumps up.) I’ve passed! (Runs to top of ladder.) Colonel Neil, I’ve passed. (Runs down ladder.) Ben, I’ve passed! (Rushes through saloon.) Penny, I’ve passed! (Goes into bedroom, dances wildly Highland fling for a moment, and into cabin, and then pulls down blind.)

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. He is off his head. (Sits down and knits.)

      BELL. About a common little medical degree. (Sits and reads.)

      W. G. I hope this won’t spoil his form for the cricket match.

      (Exit.)

      NANNY (lifting telegram). Dear, sweet telegram! (Kisses it, and puts it in her bosom.)

      (BEN and JASPER have been looking quizzically at each other.)

      BEN. You — a colonel?

      JASPER. Go away, Ben.

      BEN. You, Colonel Neil! Read that! (Hands JASPER paper.)

      JASPER. What?

      BEN. Where my thumb is.

      JASPER. Then take your thumb away. (Reading) ‘I am able to announce on the best of authority that Colonel Neil, the African Explorer, has decided to return to Africa immediately. He starts for Zanzibar next week. The gallant Colonel is at present residing with his relatives in Derbyshire.’ (Puts paper in his pocket, with an alarmed look round.) Well?

      BEN. Well?

      JASPER. Well?

      BEN. Well?

      JASPER. It’s a mistake, that’s all.

      BEN. What’s a mistake?

      JASPER. Saying I am in Derbyshire.

      BEN. It don’t say that. It says Colonel Neil is in Derbyshire.

      JASPER (weakly). How much, Ben?

      BEN. Ten bob.

      (JASPER rises, sighs, and hands him the money, and exits on to bank, BEN is going off when MRS. GOLIGHTLY comes along deck knitting and speaks to him from top of ladder.)

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. How cool you look, Ben, in this broiling heat.

      BEN. Yes, ma’am, the midges don’t bother me.

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. And I am a martyr to them. I wonder why that is.

      BEN. P’raps you wash your face, ma’am. I don’t. Afternoon, ma’am.

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Take Penny across with you, Ben, as she has to go to the village. (Down ladder into saloon.)

      BEN. Right, ma’am.

      MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Are you ready, Penny? (Exit.)

      (Enter W. G. through saloon.)

      PENNY. Yes, ma’am.

      (Enters saloon and speaks to JASPER through window.) I am going shopping, sir, is there anything I can get for you?

      JASPER. Ah! (Whispers and hands coins to PENNY.)

      PENNY.