The Complete Plays of J. M. Barrie - 30 Titles in One Edition. Джеймс Барри

But will she give her blessing?

      MISS S. I’m now a sentimental thing,

       And hear with pride and joy,

       The news, which you two darlings bring,

       That each has found a boy.

       Elope, my dears? Why, certainly,

       ‘Tis every schoolgirl’s mission,

       And tell your parents you had my

       Approval and permission.

      ALL. Their conduct’s praised, we are amazed,

       Miss Sims doth sympathize.

       Now let us sing of this wonderful thing,

       With a hyp-hyp-hypnotize!

      PROCTOR rushes in from arbour with seat tied to him.

      PROCTOR. Stop! Though this Bab has used me ill —

      BAB. Oh, how I wish I’d shot him!

      PROCTOR. My triumph’s coming now —

      TOM. Stand still!

      STUDENTS get Kodaks ready.

      PROCTOR. Eh, what?

      TOM. All ready? (Click.) Got him.

      JANE ANNIE hypnotizes PROCTOR.

      JANE ANNIE. You’re now a somewhat soft old boy,

       Whate’er the consequences,

       Be yours the privilege and joy

       To pay all our expenses.

      QUARTET. We’re kneeling, somewhat soft old boy,

       Requesting our expenses.

      ALL. Now is he such a soft old boy

       That he’ll pay their expenses?

      PROCTOR. I’m now a very soft old boy, (Hear, hear.)

       Elopements are my passion,

       So with delight without alloy

       I’ll help you in this fashion.

       It’s sometimes said that gold’s a curse. (No, no!)

       And love the only candy,

       But, Tom, to you I give my purse —

       I think you’ll find it handy. (Cheers.)

      ALL. Tho’ love is honey, they’ve taken the money,

       And he doth sympathize;

       With this strange thing, his college will ring,

       With a hyp-hyp-hypnotize!

       Dance. TOM and BAB go in boat.

      JANE A. (to MISS SIMS). Now go and be a tea-pot. (To PROCTOR).

       And you are an escape of gas.

      JACK. I wish I was well out of this.

      JANE A. Come, Jack.

      JACK. I refuse.

      JANE A. (hypnotizes him). You are my lover!

      JACK. Darling! (He goes to boat.)

      JANE A. I took that whole in two!

      JANE ANNIE joins the others in boat. All wave handkerchiefs.

      PROCTOR. Hyp-hyp-hyp-

      CHORUS. -notize!

      MISS S. Another!

      CHORUS. Hyp-hyp-hypnotize!

      PROCTOR. One more!

      CHORUS. Hyp-hyp-hypnotize!

      JANE A. (from boat). Now, old things, wake up!

       Exit boat. MISS SIMS and PROCTOR wake up.

      BULLDOGS enter excitedly.

      MISS S. What is this?

      PROCTOR. Who is in that boat?

      MILLY. It’s Bab and Jane Annie going away to be married.

      MISS S. What?

      CADDIE (rushing on). I can’t stand it! I can’t stand it! Man and boy I’ve been here eighteen months, and I never thought to see such goings on as this. I gives a month’s warning from to-day. The carriage is seen crossing.

      MILLY. The carriage! There they go!

      Finale.

       Table of Contents

      MILLY. The moral of this story is —

      GIRLS. You mustn’t do this, you mustn’t do this;

      MILLY. Or to express it still more pat —

      GIRLS. You mustn’t do that, you mustn’t do that.

      MISS SIMS. You’ve learned it now without a hitch —

      MEN. We mustn’t do what, we mustn’t do which?

      MISS SIMS. Well, you have learned it, have you not?

      MEN. We mustn’t do which, we mustn’t do what?

      PROCTOR. The moral I will now explain,

       Just wait while I expound it;

       It teaches that we ne’er again

       Should try to — oh, confound it!

       I very much want to tell you all —

       You’d like to hear about it —

       But just this point I can’t recall,

       So, though it’s most material,

       You’d best go home without it.

      ALL. You’d best go home without it.

      Walker, London

       Table of Contents

      SCENE: A houseboat on the Thames. The blinds are down. Time: morning. A canoe and punt on bank at the bow are tied to houseboat. Someone in distance is playing a penny whistle. W. G. is lying on plank lazily writing a letter. Presently he sleeps. Nanny is on deck fishing. Mrs. Golightly is seen pulling up blind in saloon. The table is set for breakfast on deck. The opposite blind is also going up, giving a view of river and towpath. Mrs. Golightly sits at the window and knits. Andrew is seen in the saloon with no coat, waistcoat or collar. Bell is in the cabin. Nanny raises line. She has her hair only partially done.

      VOICE (off). Houseboat ahoy! Milk!

      (MRS GOLIGHTLY draws curtains of saloon, bell draws blinds of cabin and dips jug out for water. Andrew draws curtains, bell drops jug into river and fishes for it with umbrella.)

      W. G. Breakfast ready, Mater?

      MRS GOLIGHTLY. No, what are you doing, W. G.?

      VOICE. Hi! Milk!

      ANDREW. W. G., why don’t you go across for the milk?

      (Noise of breaking dishes is heard.)

      NANNY (to herself). Penny breaking dishes again.

      (PENNY enters through saloon, throws broken dishes into river. The splash brings NANNY to deck where she continues fishing, W. G. takes piece of crockery and throws it down in front of MRS. GOLIGHTLY. She starts.)

      VOICE. Milk! Milk!

      NANNY. W. G., do go across for the milk. I do believe he is asleep. (Descends ladder and bends over him.) I wonder if I could win a pair of gloves from W. G.

      (She kisses him. He jumps up and