You Want to Do What?: Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas. Karen Sullivan

for dealing with bullying?

      

Experts recommend that parents and teachers take a hard-line approach to childhood aggression. Adults must make it clear that aggressive behaviour in school, in the neighbourhood or at home is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. Children should be encouraged to report aggression and threats. Parents and school staff must deal with these incidents seriously. When aggression is tolerated, everyone loses – the bullies, the victims and the bystanders. They are all learning that violence is acceptable and this is not the lesson we want to teach our children.

      

Be sure to express strong disapproval of bullying when it occurs or comes up in conversation. Be sure students know that you don’t condone any kind of harassment or mistreatment of others, whether it be teasing, social exclusion or physical violence. Teachers should, as much as possible, reassure students that the classroom is a safe and supportive place.

      

Avoid physical forms of discipline. Hitting children when they misbehave simply reinforces the belief that ‘might makes right’ and that violence and intimidation are appropriate ways to get what you want. Whenever possible, model non-violent means of resolving conflicts (see page).

      

Parents AND teachers would benefit by keeping a log of bullying incidents, including who was involved, when it occurred, how often and what strategies were used to address it. Over time, this log will help to identify any patterns in bullying behaviour, as well as what kind of interventions worked best to stop it. Teachers may discover that more bullying takes place around exam time, when the students are stressed or when they haven’t had any physical outlet for a week; they may discover the same culprit stirring things up over and over again. Parents will have to rely on the honesty of a child as well as the support of the school in order to complete a log with any success, but it can help you to keep tabs on your child’s behaviour, work out when he’s most difficult, what the catalysts might be and which methods of dealing with the problem at home are actually having some effect.

      

Make sure your discipline system in the home is consistent, with praise and reinforcement for good behaviour, and fair penalties (never violent) for violation.

      

Build on your child’s talents and help him or her develop less aggressive and more appropriate reaction behaviours.

      

Maintain contact with your child’s school. Support the school’s efforts to modify your child’s behaviour. Enlist help from the school to try and modify your child’s behaviour.

      

Although certainly not all bullying stems from family problems, it’s a good idea to examine the behaviour and personal interactions your child witnesses at home. If your child lives with taunting or name-calling from a sibling or from you or another parent, it could be prompting aggressive or hurtful behaviour outside the home. What may seem like innocent teasing at home may actually model bullying behaviours. Children who are on the receiving end of it learn that bullying can translate into control over children they perceive as weak.

      

Constant teasing – whether it’s at home or at school – can also affect a child’s self-esteem. Children with low self-esteem can grow to feel emotionally insecure. They can also end up blaming others for their own shortcomings. Making others feel bad (bullying) can give them a sense of power.

      

Emphasise that bullying is a serious problem. Make sure your child understands you will not tolerate bullying and that bullying others will have consequences at home. For example, if your child is cyber-bullying, take away the technologies he or she is using to torment others (computer, mobile phone). Or instruct your child to use the internet to research bullying and note strategies to reduce the behaviour. Other examples of disciplinary action include restricting your child’s curfew if the bullying and/or teasing occur outside of the home; taking away privileges, but allowing the opportunity to earn them back; and requiring your child to do volunteer work to help those less fortunate.

      

Teach your child to treat people who are different with respect and kindness. Teach your child to celebrate and understand differences such as race, religion, appearance, special needs, class, sexuality. Every child needs to learn that all people have rights and feelings. Teach a little history – show how oppression has affected countries around the world (parts of Africa, for example) and how intolerance has led to wars and horrific crimes against humanity (the Holocaust, for example). Sometimes children need to learn that intolerance and disrespect have very serious consequences.

      

Find out if your child’s friends are also bullying. If so, seek a group intervention through your child’s school.

      

Observe your child interacting with others and praise appropriate behaviour. Positive reinforcement is more powerful than negative discipline.

      

Be prepared to talk to your child’s school about how it can help your child to modify his behaviour. The school may have some excellent ideas that are in line with its anti-bullying policy, which will be backed up by other pupils and staff members.

      

It can be very upsetting to have to admit that your child is a bully, but if you show humility and a willingness to set things right – perhaps by explaining problems your child may have experienced outside the school gates that may have contributed to his attitude and behaviour – you are likely to receive the support you need. Keep in touch with the school so that you can monitor and report, and it can do the same.

      

Bullying expert Tim Field thinks that, ‘School environments tend to be one of “exclusion” rather than “inclusion”. Children are left to form their own groups, or gangs, and you are either “in” or “out”. I believe children should be taught at the outset to show dignity and respect to other children regardless of whether they are “in” or “out”, and to be proactive in their relationships to other children, especially those who “do not fit in”, for whatever reason.’

      

Remember to keep your cool. If you become angry, you will get nowhere, either with your child or the school. Your child will not confide in you and you’ll never come to terms with the causative factors without appropriate communication. Show patience and unconditional love at all times; make it clear that you still love your child, even though his behaviour is not loveable.

      

Bear in mind that your child is very likely to deny any wrong doing, and/or minimise his involvement. It’s a natural reaction and you will need to be patient and persistent to get past this.

      

If your child has been involved in extortion, ask yourself some questions about