You Want to Do What?: Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas. Karen Sullivan

around fourteen or fifteen (see page), and this will give your child the freedom to spend what he has on what he thinks he needs. He may feel that one expensive designer jacket is enough to keep up his street cred, and that he’d rather do without anything else in order to get it. That’s his choice. As long as you stick to your guns about clothing purchases and what you are prepared to subsidise, he’ll have to make choices and possibly learn the hard way.

      What if I can’t afford what he wants?

      Kids who want things outside the family budget must be prepared to pay for them. So if his heart is set on a Ralph Lauren jumper, then suggest he earns the money to pay for it. He could help out a lot more around the house or do some of the niggling jobs that you never get round to (painting the windowsills outside the house, raking leaves, washing windows, even steam-cleaning the carpets). If he wants something enough he should be willing to work for it.

      You may agree to pay for one item of designer clothing each season, within an agreed budget. Again, this teaches your child to prioritise and to make choices, while for your part shows willing and an understanding of his needs.

      Be prepared for the ‘it’s not fair’ argument. Kids are always resentful when others have more than they have, but it’s one of life’s hard lessons. We can’t always get what we want and life is easier for some people. Point out what your child does have, such as loving parents, nice holidays, a comfortable home, whatever it takes. It’s not an easy lesson to learn, but teaching these things early on is a good way to avoid your child becoming debt-ridden later on, and it also encourages an appreciation for what he does have.

      What about sports equipment? The list of required items is longer than my arm and if he doesn’t have what he needs, he won’t be able to play.

      Second-hand is always a good bet – talk to other parents with older children who may have equipment sitting at home. Read the papers or put an ad in one of the free papers to see if anyone has anything going. Look on the internet – sports manufacturers often go out of business or change their lines; you may be able to get good-quality merchandise at much lower prices. Ask your child to contribute. Spell out how much you can afford. If he’s really keen, he can do some work in the neighbourhood, perhaps, even babysitting, to contribute to funds. Suggest setting up a swap shop at the sports facility where outgrown items are placed in a bank, and anyone can use them as long as they contribute something of equal value themselves. There are always options.

      If nothing works and your child can’t play because you cannot afford the equipment, some explaining will be necessary. This isn’t easy or enjoyable, but it’s undoubtedly true that one of life’s lessons is learning that we can’t always undertake activities outside our budget, and that money only goes so far. It’s tough, but it’s the way of the world.

      Should I allow my child to borrow my clothes?

      The line between adult and children’s clothes has been substantially blurred over the past decade, and many parents wear the same types of clothing as their children (although in the latter case, it might be the more expensive version). If the clothing is age-appropriate, then by all means do so. This is, however, one situation where you can set down some clear rules (which may also encourage your child to take some responsibility for belongings). For example, if it’s a dry-clean only garment, and it becomes dirty or marked, your child is responsible for the cleaning bill. If she loses or damages it, she is responsible for its replacement (within reason). One loan does not mean open access to your wardrobe, and it should be stressed that permission must be requested for any and everything that is borrowed. You would like it returned after use, on a hanger (or in the drawer) and any spots or stains pointed out. Obviously, you can expect some reasonable wear and tear after a night, so be realistic, but if there is damage, you are within your rights to request costs.

Communication

      How can I establish a good rapport with my teenager?

      The most crucial element is making time. With hectic schedules in a busy household, many parents and teenagers are like ships in the night – a few words about where they are going and when they will be home and they vanish. Then there is the routine nagging about hygiene, schoolwork, bedtime, tidying, household chores – and for some parents that is the sum total of the parent-child relationship.

      It is, however, important that you set aside time for your teenager and that she understands the importance of setting aside time for you. I find it disheartening when children are not taught to respect the family unit or relationship and are allowed to make plans that prohibit regular and healthy communication. If you haven’t established this now, it’s not too late. Here’s the best way to go about it:

      

Set up a time chart for the whole family where everyone fills in their appointments, social activities, special events and obligations (jobs, babysitting, etc.). Ask everyone to keep one day or evening a week free for family.

      

This is not to say that once a week is enough to time to talk, but it’s a beginning. In this time, plan something for the whole family occasionally, but most importantly, plan some one-on-one time with your teen – a shopping trip, a meal out, a walk in the park, a visit to a gallery – anything that allows time for some communication.

      

When you have time together, keep things informal. Don’t save up all of your concerns or ‘big talks’ for this day. If you do, it will never happen again! Chat as you would with a friend and avoid being judgmental or authoritarian.

      

Everyone deserves respect, children and adults alike, and you will encourage the best possible relationship if you understand this premise and employ it. Show the same respect you would give a friend, even if you have differences.

      

Actively pay attention to what your child says. Many of us get into the habit of saying ‘mmm, yes, great, oh good ...’ without thinking or taking on board what is being said. Make eye contact. Show you are interested by focusing on what your child is saying. Ask some relevant questions and avoid making judgements or showing disdain or shock.

      

When you want to chat, look for a good moment. We all have moments when we are more receptive, and your teenager is the same. If she’s stressed, on the phone, in the middle of homework, tired or clearly not interested, wait for a more appropriate time. If you force conversation or take the role of interrogator (firing off a series of questions), her back will go up and you’ll get one-word answers, if any.

      

Remember your sense of humour. If you can laugh together, this will dispel a great deal of tension.

      

Try to keep up daily communication, even if it’s only a few minutes of chat. Don’t begin by asking a series of questions; instead comment on a relevant news story or even the football scores. If you are in the habit of chatting daily, it becomes easier to open up.

      

If you are struggling, write a note and slip it under the door. Don’t be heavy – in fact, you might want to simply make a joke or apologise. Or say: ‘can we talk?’ Sometimes kids have trouble sharing their thoughts in person (particularly if you have not always been receptive in the past), so ask her to write down what’s on her mind and you can think it over. Make a date to talk later or respond in writing yourself. It’s not ideal, but it’s a start.