You Want to Do What?: Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas. Karen Sullivan

should I do?

      

Stay calm – your daughter will likely be frightened and shocked, and also worried about how you will react.

      

Avoid lecturing. While it is important to be honest about your feelings, your daughter has the right to be honest about hers too, and listening is crucial.

      

Chastisement is useless, the damage is done. Being supportive does not preclude being disappointed or unhappy. It’s fine to express your concerns and your feelings, but it is equally important to remember that this is not about you but about your daughter.

      

Don’t insist that she take a particular option; explain your reasoning for it.

      

Tell your teen what you think of each of the options available to her, and offer to go with her to look into each of the options so she can make informed decisions.

      

Be honest about the practicalities. If you are against abortion, but have no desire to help raise a baby, you have little room in your home and your finances are already stretched, there is no point in promising something that you have no possibility of fulfilling in order to sway her decision.

      What should I not do?

      

Accuse your daughter of being stupid or promiscuous.

      

Threaten or force her to follow your decision.

      

Press for details of her sex life. If she’s pregnant, she’s obviously sexually active, and this is a private matter.

      

Ask her to leave the family home. Being homeless will only compound the problem, and leave your daughter without resources and support when she needs it most.

      

Lose your temper. Move on and make the best of the situation. Work together to ensure that it does not arise again.

      Are there any support organisations?

      Listed overleaf are several organisations that can offer support for both you and your daughter, and also provide information on the procedures available and the aftermath.

      Family Planning Association

      Information and advice on all aspects of sexual health.

      Tel: [phone]

       www.fpa.org.uk

      Brook

      Information, advice and guidance for young people under twenty-five on sex, relationships and contraception.

      Tel: [phone]

       www.brook.org.uk

      Youth Access

      A national network of youth advice, information, support and counselling agencies.

       www.youthaccess.org.uk

      British Pregnancy Advisory Service (BPAS)

      Offers information and counselling for those considering abortion. It provides abortions for NHS and private patients.

      Tel: [phone]

       www.bpas.org

      Education For Choice

      Information about pregnancy and abortion.

       www.educationforchoice.blogspot.co.uk

      My son’s girlfriend is pregnant and she wants a termination. What are his rights?

      Your son does not have a legal right to decide whether or not his girlfriend should continue with or end her pregnancy. She is also under no obligation to tell him that she is pregnant, nor that she has had or is planning to have a termination. This can be very distressing for many young men, who may have strong ideas about the pregnancy and what is morally right. The organisations listed above can also help him to accept her decision, and to get support if required.

Alcohol

      When can my son drink alcohol legally?

      In the UK, the legal drinking age is eighteen. This means your son can purchase and drink alcohol without an ‘adult’ being present. If he’s sixteen, he can have beer, cider or wine in a restaurant or a pub with an area set aside for meals, as long as the alcohol is served with food and he is accompanied by an adult. The rules are different for consuming alcohol on private premises, in other words, your home (see page).

      What happens in Europe?

      European countries typically have a legal drinking ages of sixteen or eighteen. For example, in the Netherlands, Germany, Switzerland and Austria, you have to be sixteen to buy beer or wine and eighteen to buy distilled alcoholic beverages (spirits).

      What happens in the US?

      In the US, the legal age for purchase or possession (but not necessarily consumption) in every state has been twenty-one since the passage of the National Minimum Drinking Age Act in 1984. Many states specifically allow consumption under the age of twenty-one for religious or health reasons or with parental approval. In Canada, the legal drinking age is eighteen in the provinces of Alberta, Manitoba and Quebec, and nineteen elsewhere.

      At what age is it safe for children to drink small amounts of alcohol (at a celebration, for example)?

      In the UK, serving a child alcohol in your own home is legally allowed from age five, but not recommended for health reasons. For one thing, even a small quantity of alcohol impairs judgement, and very little is required to become ‘drunk’ at such a tender age. Moreover, many doctors recommend that children under eighteen should not drink alcohol at all, because their bodies are still developing – in particular, the liver, which breaks down alcohol, is not fully developed until the age of about twenty-one. This is also the age at which the hypothalamus, the part of the brain most affected by alcohol, matures. Drinking before this age increases the risk of addiction; in fact, studies show that countries that allow youth drinking have a much higher incidence of adult alcoholism.

      Having said that, a thimbleful of wine or champagne at a family celebration is unlikely to do any long-term damage. It’s worth noting, too, that parents who adopt an open policy about alcohol use, and take the time to educate their kids about the potential dangers while offering supervision, are less likely to have children who drink subversively – and over drink! After all, a child is less likely to get ‘drunk’ while a parent is around and if alcohol is not regarded as a forbidden fruit, it’s less likely to tempt kids, particularly in periods of rebellion.

      What are the recommended safe levels of consumption?

      It is certainly worth bearing in mind the recommended safe levels of alcohol consumption for adults and be even more cautious where