Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity. Andy Stanton

GIANT AND THE FLEA

      W

      ay, way back in the distant past,

      Lamonic Bibber was just a few huts

      and a warlock who lived on Boaster’s Hill,

      turning hats into nightingales. Now, I know this

      is going to surprise some of you but there was

      a giant who lived in those days, and I bet you can’t guess his name, but it was Gavin.

      Now, a lot of people, when they first hear

      about Gavin the giant, like you are doing now – hearing about Gavin the giant for the first time,

      I mean – a lot of people immediately want to

      know all the details. They want to know how big

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      his head was, for example. Or how big his hands

      were. Or his torso, that’s quite a popular one. Which is fair enough, but I don’t think that’s the most amazing thing about Gavin the giant,

      and I’m not just saying that because I don’t know the answers to all those other questions. I think the most important thing is how tall he

      was overall. I mean, at the end of the day, that is what is so impressive about giants, isn’t it? How tall they are overall. So sit back and strap yourselves in and prepare to be amazed as I tell you how tall Gavin the giant truly was.

      Right. Let’s say that a normal man is about,

      I don’t know, about as tall as – let’s just say,

      for example, that a normal man is about as tall as a fencepost. (I know some men are slightly shorter than a fencepost, and some other men are slightly taller than a fencepost but let’s just

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      say, on average, that one man is about as tall

      as one fencepost.) So we can write down the

      following equation:

      ONE MAN = ONE FENCEPOST

      Now, of course, the question is this: How

      tall was Gavin the giant? And we can write

      down this question as the following equation:

      GAVIN THE GIANT = ???

      So. Given that a normal man is about as tall

      as a fencepost, and given that we don’t know

      how tall Gavin the giant was, it is clear that

      Gavin the giant was quite a mysterious sort of a

      character. OK, so we – OK, I tell you what, this

      has all been a bit confusing what with all these

      equations and things, let’s start again.

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      THE

      MASSIVE GIANT AND THE FLEA

      O

      nce upon a time there lived a giant called

      Gavin and one day he saw a flea.

      THE END

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      Bibbering Through The Ages

      The Stone Table

      The Stone Table that stands on the outskirts of Lamonic Bibber is a mysterious and powerful object of ancient times. Recent tests have revealed that it may be much older than previously thought, perhaps dating as far back as 400 years BC (Before Chairs). Although no one knows exactly what it was used for,

      it was probably built by the so-called ‘Oakic people’, a group of nature-worshipping weirdies who spent their time dancing

      around hillsides, dressed as acorns and singing songs about dead badgers. Today the Oakic people have mostly been forgotten, although some of their rites and ceremonies have survived into the modern age, such as the Festival of the Leaves, which still takes place every autumn, and the Eurovision Song Contest,

      which falls around May. (Thankfully, a number of their other ceremonies, such as the Month of Human Sacrifices, the Other Month of Human Sacrifices, and the notorious ‘Nudey Day’, have died out naturally over time.)

      Once Upon a Time . . .

      Princess

      Snowflake

      and the

      Gypsy King

      O

      nce upon a time, long ago in the Age of Fairy

      Tales, when the whole wide world was sugar

      and spice and apples and mice and snow and ice

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      and moonbeams, there lived in Lamonic Bibber a princess called Princess Snowflake. And never was there a name more suited to a person, because for a start she was a princess, so that bit was definitely right. And also she looked a bit like a snowflake, for her face was pale as a December’s morning and her hair as silver as light reflecting off snow. And finally, she was every bit as wild and carefree as a snowflake, so there you have it. Princess Snowflake it was.

      Princess Snowflake’s parents had

      mysteriously disappeared soon after she was born, and so it was that a bunch of kindly old witches had agreed to raise the child as their own. They lived with her in the Winter Palace, which was made entirely of ice. The chambers, the towers, even the door handles – everything was made of ice. The floors were a bit slippery, and it was best

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      to put a blanket on the seat before you went to the toilet, but it was still a palace, so never mind.

      On the whole, Princess Snowflake led a carefree life, as I have said. But one day, when she was five years old, one of the kindly old witches took her aside.

      ‘Child,’ said the witch. ‘I have something important to tell you. You know the Winter Gardens, which lie beyond the palace walls?

      Well, they are very nice. But take heed, for

      a dreadful fellow lurks deep within those

      gardens, waiting to trap the unwary! It is the

      Gypsy King, and he is strong, with rippling

      muscles, and he wears hundreds of gold rings on

      his fingers, and he has proud boots. Beware the

      Gypsy King, child, beware the Gypsy King!’

      But Princess Snowflake only clapped her hands together, one, two, three!

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      ‘Gypsy King?’ she laughed. ‘There’s no such thing as the Gypsy King! I don’t need your help, I don’t need anyone’s help!’

      And off she ran to explore the gardens, for they were her greatest joy.

      When Princess Snowflake was six years old, another of the kindly old witches took her aside.

      ‘Uh oh,’ said Princess Snowflake, ‘here we go again.’

      ‘Child,’ said the kindly old witch. ‘You

      know the Winter Gardens? Well, they are

      very nice. But from time to time they are visited

      by one who seeks to harm the unwary! Yes, it is

      the Gypsy King, and he is strong, with rippling

      muscles, and he wears hundreds of gold rings

      on his fingers, and he has proud boots.’