Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity. Andy Stanton

NOT COM AL THIS WAY

       TO BE TALK TO LIKK THAT,’ say Natboff.

       ‘NATBOFF COM TO GET SALLY BAK.’

      ‘O YEAH?’ say Chunka. ‘HOW

       NATBOFF GONNA DO THAT? CHUNKA

       SO BIG AN HARY, NATBOFF GOT NO

       CHANSE.’

      ‘NATBOFF GOT CHUMS,’ say Natboff.

      Natboff giv the secre comman.

      Imedialy Mity Leef jump out of bush an

       do pres-ups.

      Chunka can harly beleev eyes!

      Wile Chunka distracced by Mity Leef,

      Mity Ant jump out an lick Chunka legg!

      Wile Chunka try to cope wiv that, Mity

       Spida run up an tikle Chunka foot!

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      ‘WAT GOIN ON?’ say Chunka.

      Then Wolf jump out an bite off Chunka face!

      ‘OW!’ say Chunka face from insidde Wolf. ‘OK, OK, CHUNKA GIV IN! NATBOFF

      WIN.’

      ‘SALLY TOTALL SORY FOR GO OFF WIV CHUNKA BEFOR,’ say Sally. ‘SALLY TOTALL LOV NATBOFF AGEN NOW.

      NATBOFF NOT AS FAT AN HARY AS

      CHUNKA – BUT AT LEES NATBOFF GOT A FACE.’

      ‘DISCO TO SELEBRAT?’ say Wolf.

      ‘DEFINETT!’ say everwun.

      Hole gang do disco in foress. Chunka join in wiv disco too, even tho Chunka got no face. It horibel to watch, but gud try from Chunka.

      ‘CHUNKA NOT SUCH A BAD FELLO

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      AFTEH AL,’ say Natboff.

      Lateh on Chunka get steped on by Wooly Mammof.

      Natboff an Sally bureh Chunka unerneef bush.

      Mity Spida dres up as holy prees an say prayer for Chunka.

      Everwun cry.

      But liff go on.

      Natboff an Sally makk baby cavma an gess wat they cal him?

      Chunka!

      ‘IT IN MEMORY OF BESST CAVMA HOO EVEH LIV,’ say Natboff, an everwun agree.

      ‘AL IN AL IT BEEN GUD DAY,’ say Mity Leef. ‘WE DONE BRILLIA

      AVENCHER. PLUS EVERWUN MADD

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      NEW FRENDS!’

      ‘SALLY TOTALL LOV NATBOFF FOR AL TIMM,’ say Sally.

      ‘EVERWUN LOV NATBOFF,’ say everwun. (Even Natboff say it! Even baby Chunka say it!)

      ‘DISCO TO SELEBRAT?’ say Wolf.

      ‘BIGGES DEFINETT EVEH!’ say everwun.

      ENND

      1115 BC

      THE

      MASSIVE

      GIANT

      AND THE

      FLEA

      M

      any hundreds of years ago,

      when Lamonic Bibber wasn’t even

      really a town yet, just a few huts and a warlock

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      who lived on Boaster’s Hill turning turnips into balloons, there lived a massive giant. Now, this giant’s name was Gavin and he really was large. His head, right, his head was so big, right, his head was so big that, well, here’s the thing, right, his head was sooooo big that, OK, I hope you’re ready for this, his head was soooooo ENORMOUS, right, that OK, hold on, his head was sooooooooo massive that it was about the size, are you sure you’re ready for this, his head was sooooo vast that – well, to be honest, I don’t really know how big his head was.

      But his hands, right, his hands were SO UNBELIEVABLY HUGE, so UNBEARABLY, INCREDIBLY COLOSSAL, right, his hands, his hands yeah, OK, fair enough, I don’t know how big his hands were either. But what about his feet? Oh my goodness! You see, Gavin the

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      giant’s feet – and I do hope you’re sitting down to hear this because it really will blow your mind – well, actually I have no idea how big Gavin the giant’s feet were either.

      I tell you what, can we start again? The story of ‘The Massive Giant And The Flea’ is amazing and I want to get it exactly right.

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      THE

      MASSIVE GIANT AND THE FLEA

      A

      ges ago, much longer ago than you can

      remember because you’re only about

      seven, Lamonic Bibber was just a few huts

      and also there was a warlock who I might

      have mentioned before who lived on Boaster’s

      Hill turning balloons into hats. But the most

      incredible person in all that land was not just

      a person but a MASSIVE GIANT and he was

      called Gavin the giant.

      Oh my word, he was enormous! Each

      one of his eyes was, well, they were just, they

      were, look, you know what eyes are normally

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      like, don’t you? Of course you do, you’ve seen eyes before. And not only have you seen eyes

      before, but you’ve actually got eyes, haven’t you? So you’ve seen eyes with your own eyes and you know how big they are, more or less, right? Well, the thing about these eyes of Gavin the giant’s, this is what you have to understand – the thing about his eyes was, OK, look, I’m not going to lie to you, I have no idea how big

      Gavin the giant’s eyes were, I really haven’t got any idea at all. But I bet you’re curious to

      know how big his nose was, aren’t you? And if you are, then you’re in for an astonishing treat,

      because Gavin the giant’s nose, you see, Gavin the giant’s nose was – OK, hold on.

      Imagine a normal person’s nose is about the size of an apricot, can you imagine that? Let’s say that most people have a nose the

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      size of an apricot, that’s a good way to start.

      Now, bearing in mind that a normal person’s

      nose is about the size of one apricot, one single,

      delicious apricot that you might find down the

      greengrocer’s, or growing on a tree, actually do

      apricots grow on trees? Or more on bushes? I’m

      not sure, I know that tomatoes grow on these little kind of plants with stalks on, tomatoes are nice, aren’t they?

      I like tomatoes.

      Anyway, here’s the thing: imagine that a normal person’s nose is about the size of one apricot (or roughly three cherry tomatoes). Now, by comparison, Gavin the giant’s nose was NOT the size of one apricot, it was bigger than that. How much bigger? I don’t know.

      Let’s start again.

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