Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity. Andy Stanton

‘that’s – no,

      sorry, actually, hold on a minute. What do you

      mean?’

      ‘Just what I say,’ said Cobwep. ‘You go up to

      the fir tree, you open your mouth and you eat it.’

      ‘Let me get this straight,’ said Princess

      Snowflake. ‘You want me to eat a fir tree?’

      ‘Yes,’ said all the witches together.

      ‘An entire fir tree?’

      ‘Yes,’ said the witches.

      ‘Can you do a spell to make it easier,

      Grandmother?’ said Princess Snowflake. ‘I

      mean, I actually know the tree you’re talking

      about, it’s – there’s no way, I mean – it’s . . .

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      Look, I’m not trying to be ungrateful but – it’s, really, it’s just – honestly, there’s just no way.’

      ‘Sorry, you’ll have to manage on your own,’ said Cobwep. ‘Anyway, we’ve got to go now, there’s another princess in trouble in Russia. She’s had her face stolen by ghosts.’

      ‘What, are you going to make her eat a fir tree too?’ shouted Princess Snowflake. ‘I can’t believe this is happening, seriously, what on earth are you all thinking.’

      ‘Bye bye, dearie,’ said the witches as they left to catch their aeroplane, which was an enormous broomstick driven by a cat. ‘You know what to do, good luck.’

      Princess Snowflake lay awake until it was midnight. Then, hardly daring to think about the task ahead, out she crept in her nightgown, into the moonlit gardens of the Winter Palace.

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      The night was deathly quiet and the snow was falling soft and thick.

      Princess Snowflake stuck out her tongue and swallowed the first snowflake that landed upon it.

      Then she swallowed the second snowflake. Then she swallowed the third snowflake.

      Then she went up to the fir tree which stood in the middle of the gardens where all the paths met, and she started eating it.

      ‘This is a complete nightmare,’ sobbed Princess Snowflake as she sat there chewing on a mouthful of bark. ‘It’s going to take forever.’

      But each time she wanted to give up, she thought of Gooseberry’s innocent little face and she remembered how much the witches loved her and she told herself, ‘One more bite, just one more bite.’ So the hours passed, though

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      every minute felt like a lifetime.

      One more bite, just one more bite . . . And

      as the night turned to morning and the sun was rising over the gardens, Princess Snowflake realised that the entire fir tree was gone. So it just goes to show: you can do anything if

      only you believe in yourself. You can win the Olympics. You can become a professor. You can even eat a fir tree. You probably shouldn’t eat

      a fir tree unless you’re a princess in a fairy tale. Or a monster. Or a really big woodpecker. But you can if you like. But you shouldn’t. But you can if you like. But don’t.

      As soon as Princess Snowflake had finished the last piece of bark, a glowing line appeared on the ground. Princess Snowflake took a deep breath and coughed up a few fir needles. Then, mustering all her courage, she stepped across

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      the line and as she did so, the gardens of the Winter Palace disappeared and she found herself in the Realm of the Gypsy King. The

      earth beneath her feet was cracked and dry. A scorching wind blew. And there before her,

      standing on a black rock surrounded by a lake of fire, stood the Gypsy King himself.

      ‘So!’ laughed the Gypsy King. ‘You have made it to my Realm, I bet you had to eat a

      fir tree or something, didn’t you? But the rules of this place are not like your world, you fool!

      Come and get me now, if you dare! But if you cannot defeat me, you shall be trapped here

      forever! AHA AH AAH AAHAHAHA HAAH AHAA HAAHHAAHAH AHA AHAHA!’

      This time the Gypsy King went on laughing for nearly twelve hours, so I definitely won’t write it all out. Princess Snowflake waited

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      patiently until the laughter was over and then she said, ‘Gypsy King, I care not for your

      atrocious lake of fire. For I have seen you in my dreams and now I know the thing you are most afraid of in the world.’

      And she held out her hands and stood there with her palms open and empty.

      ‘Oh, no,’ said the Gypsy King sarcastically. ‘Hands! Oh, no! N . . . Not h-h-hands! Oooh, no, I’m terrified, oh no, oh, no! Oh, no! The hands are going to get me, oh, no! Not the hands!’

      ‘Oh, Gypsy King,’ said Princess Snowflake. ‘It is not the hands themselves, but what they represent. Ever since I was a baby, those around me have worked to protect me and keep me

      from harm. I never used to listen to them for I was arrogant. But when I threw open my chamber door to let my friends inside, I also

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      threw open the door to my heart. Behold, Gypsy King, for I have finally discovered the thing in the world you are most afraid of – THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP AND HELPING EACH OTHER.’

      At these words, Princess Snowflake’s hands were empty no longer, for in her left was clasped the right hand of Cobwep. And in

      Princess Snowflake’s right hand was clasped the left hand of Cobwep’s sister, Nightshadf. And then suddenly, there they all were – a vast army of kindly old witches, hands linked together as one, encircling the lake of fire in a chain of true friendship.

      Princess Snowflake recognised some of the faces, like Cobwep, and another one called

      Granny Champion and another one called

      Roller Jane, who was one of the fattest witches

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      ever born. But there were plenty of others she’d never met before, many thousands and thousands of them, and each one looking upon the Gypsy King with a mixture of pity and compassion which the cruel man could not bear. And now, as one, they started for him across the lake. And the flames weren’t even burning them because they were totally magic.

      ‘NO!’ shouted the Gypsy King, reaching for Cobwep and meaning to grind her to dust in his golden-ringed hands. But his brute force was no match for the witches’ kindliness. Slowly, slowly they closed in, throwing their arms around him and hugging him tight, tight as can be – and he was overcome. Down he went, down, down into the fray as the witches sort of beat him up with their deadly love and hugs and friendship like a weird dream.

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      ‘Hang on a minute!’ shouted the Gypsy King as he disappeared from view. ‘The thing I’m most afraid of in the world isn’t THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP AND HELPING EACH OTHER! The thing I’m most afraid of in the world is bees! How is this even happening, this doesn’t make any sense at all! How is this working?’

      But it was too late. And the very last Princess Snowflake saw of the Gypsy King was his proud boots as they disappeared beneath the flames. And then even the flames were gone and all that remained was the vast army of witches and the little black rock. And standing on the rock was –

      ‘Gooseberry!’ cried Princess Snowflake. ‘Oh, and my parents as well, even