The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People. D. M. Maynard

with either your significant other or a trusted individual, the option is available to you. This decision is solely yours to make. The routes I took and even the wrong turns I made were all part of the journey that has led me to the privilege of writing this workbook. The life lessons I developed over time can now be shared with others. The intent of this journal is simple: to create a space that feels safe, right, and honorable for all partners, as they map out their own path. The questions posed and the exercises and tools provided within this workbook are those I asked of others and used myself. I realized the answers were always inside of me, as they already are inside of you, waiting to be written down.

      AUTHOR’S DISCLAIMER NOTES

      • These terms will be used to refer to the non-transitioning partner: the trans partner and partner.

      • These terms will be used for the person in transition: trans-identified partner, transgender individual, and significant other. There will be times when the partner not in transition will refer to the person in transition as: partner. Please note that these terms also include those who identify as: crossdressers, gender nonconforming, gender nonbinary, gender fluid, intersex, transsexual, and questioning people.

      • For some people, the transition process continues throughout their lifetime; for others, they consider the transition over once all the social and/or medical interventions they desired are in place. For the partner, the duration of the transition process of their significant other can be connected to one of these two circumstances or based on the period when the major focus of the relationship is on the transition. Many partners I know or who have attended my workshops refer to their relationship in terms of before, during, and after the transition, referring to “after” as the period when the topic of the transition is no longer front and center on a daily basis. Therefore, many of the questions that include periods of time may use the phrase “before, during, and after.” You may choose to respond in terms of this sequencing or elect to answer only in terms of “before and during.” I include this disclaimer to acknowledge and honor those for whom the transitioning period is never over; for whom the term “after” may never apply.

      • It is recognized that more than one person in the relationship can be transgender and gender nonconforming (TGNC) or in transition. This workbook is offered from the perspective of the partner who is in a relationship with someone who is now trans-identified. The workbook is intended to help anyone who is searching for a reflective resource in respect to their partner’s transition.

      • In reference to polyamorous relationships, monogamous couples, or the primary partner/s in the relationship: the vignettes, questions, tools, and exercises contained within this workbook can be used by anyone, whether you are the primary partner or not. Although the word “couple” is the main word used in reference to the relationship, these practices can be used for whatever configuration your relationship takes. The word “couple” refers to two individuals in relation to each other, but I acknowledge that those two people can be in multiple and/or open relationships throughout, before, during, and after the transition.

      • In reference to the stage you entered the relationship: this workbook is intended to be useful for those partners who were in the relationship before the transition was known, for those who were present during the transition, and/or for those who were in the relationship after the transitioning was completed. The focus of most of the vignettes, questions, tools, and exercises contained within this workbook is for those partners who were in the relationship before and during the transition. However, several of my workshop attendees have expressed that they have been useful for those who have entered the relationship post any medical and/or social aspects of the transition and for family members or friends.

      • LGBTQ and LGBTQQIA+, or other variations, will be used as inclusive terms for anyone who identifies on the continuum; the term used is never meant to exclude or offend any person or group that prefers one variation of this umbrella term over another. Its usage will reflect the details of the story or something specific to the passage it is contained within. The key is that the partner’s needs, best interest, and/or perspective will be the focus in each and every instance.

      • Length of relationship: this workbook is intended to be used by partners irrespective of the duration of the relationship, whether it is long-term or short-term.

      • This book does not provide medical or legal advice. The information contained in this book is for informational purposes only. The opinions expressed in this book are those of the author, and any ideas or suggestions contained in the book are based solely on the author’s experiences. This book is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical or legal advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or treatment and before undertaking a new healthcare regimen, and never disregard professional medical advice or delay seeking it because of something you have read in this book. In addition, you should seek the advice of legal counsel familiar with the subject matter and authorized to practice in your jurisdiction before acting or relying upon the opinions and information presented in this book.

      CONTENTS OF THE CHAPTERS

      1. Your Private Space: An Introduction

      This chapter serves as an introduction that will explain the structure and purpose of the book. The workbook will serve as a place free of judgment for you, the partner, to journal your own journey and support your process throughout the transition. It is a self-reflective, private space where you can voice any of your thoughts, feelings, fears, concerns, worries, confusions, joys, and celebrations in writing. Each of the following chapters will focus on one or two critical aspects of the transition that may affect the life of the partner.

      2. Unexpected and Confused

      These partner-specific questions, exercises, and vignettes will focus on the possible initial fears, thoughts, worries, and concerns that partners may experience once they learn their partner will transition. The tools will be based on such topics as safety issues, the validity of the relationship, self-doubts, and the unknowns of the relationship now.

      3. Who Are You?

      This chapter will confront the challenges some partners experience when asked to address the transitioning person in a different way. These questions, exercises, tools, and vignettes will refer to the possible need to use a different pronoun or name, and are intended to help navigate when photos and memories of the past may no longer be celebrated or visible. This chapter will help partners learn how to incorporate the new pronoun and/or name in intimate moments, during arguments, and at social events.

      4. Grief May Apply

      This chapter will examine the reality that many partners express an experience of loss and find that a mourning period applies as they process the transition. This section will focus on the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (Kübler-Ross & Kessler, 2005). Through reflective inquiry, partners will explore how this might pertain to their relationship during the transition. As grieving can be a non-linear process, so the path may be for the partner throughout the transition.

      5. It Can Be a Foreign Language

      This part of the workbook will tackle the often overwhelming world of new vocabulary. Partners will respond to questions and exercises that will assist them in unraveling various label options and their own comfort level of implementation. Exercises will be included to help partners understand appropriate ways and times to incorporate the nuances and culture of this new language.

      6. Medical and Social Options: Sorting It Out!

      This chapter explores some of the challenges of medical choices facing the partner with respect to the surgeries and hormones that the person in transition may need to access and the side effects that may occur as a result of these interventions. This chapter will offer the trans partner specific questions, exercises, tools, and vignettes to help them discover how to talk about these decisions as a couple and determine what areas of the medical and/or social transition, if any, they can comfortably participate in. For example, partners will need to determine to what extent they will be involved with the medical options, such as attending doctor appointments or assisting with post-surgical