Do As I Say, Not As I Did. Michael N. Marcus

to be paid.

      The format for the monthly bill allowed just ten items, so Cablevision had to separate my TVs into two accounts. Each month the company sent one bill that included the eight cable boxes, plus another bill—with a different account number, different envelope and additional postage—listing the six TVs that had no cable boxes and no monthly charges.

      The second bill showed monthly charges of six times nothing, with a total due of zero dollars and zero cents.

      After several months, Cablevision’s computer noticed that no payments were received to pay the zero balance and turned the account over to a collection agency.

      The collection agency’s computer then started to threaten me, detailing the dire consequences if the payment of zero dollars and zero cents was not made promptly. Phone calls to the agency and Cablevision were fruitless. The customer service people at both companies blamed the computers and had no way to intervene.

      Ultimately I drove to a Cablevision office and presented a check for $0.00, and the account was credited for the “payment.”

      Everything was fine for a few months until it started all over again.

      Lesson: Companies are stupid.

      AT&T once sent me a nine-cent refund check. The cost to process and send the check was probably a couple of bucks. I had not canceled service and the nine cents could have been credited to my next bill. I kept the check as a souvenir.

      Lesson: Companies are stupid.

      When I canceled my Sprint cellphone service the company owed my about $12. I requested a refund several times over several months but it never arrived. One rep even promised to pay me with a personal check just to make me go away. His money never arrived.

      I finally got pissed off enough to make up a protest sign and marched in front of the local Sprint office.

      The embarrassed manager invited me in to discuss the situation. She checked the records and agreed that the company did indeed owe me the money.

      “Unfortunately,” she told me, “Sprint cannot issue refunds to non-customers.” But, if I would switch back to Sprint from Verizon, I could have the refund as a credit on my first bill.

      I told her to go to hell.

      Lesson: Companies are stupid.

      (Not about money, but about a bank, so it goes in this section.) When I lived in the Bronx I had checking and savings accounts at a nearby branch of Citibank.

      One time a teller handed me four pieces of paper and I asked for a paper clip. The teller said the bank was not allowed to give paperclips to customers.

      I asked why and she said I’d have to ask the manager to find out—but the manager was out and I could make an appointment to discuss the paperclip issue tomorrow.

      Lesson: Companies are stupid.

      Many restaurants and stores have weekly or daily “specials” that are items that the business chooses to promote—but they are not less expensive than the regular price.

      Lesson: There’s often nothing special about a special.

      You can sometimes get a better deal, or a discount for paying cash, not just at retail stores (small and large) but even for landscaping, plumbing, moving, dentistry and surgery.

      Lesson: Everything in life is negotiable—maybe even life itself.

      If you pay cash, you may pay too much. You can even use your credit card at Dunkin’ Donuts and the Post Office and earn reward points for trips and toys, or a rebate, depending on the card.

      Lesson: Be careful. If you don’t pay your bill in full and have to pay interest, your savings are gone.

      When you’re in your teens, twenties, thirties and forties, it’s easy to justify spending one, ten, twenty or a hundred dollars on brief experiences or exciting things.

      When you’re in your sixties or older with limited assets and income, you’ll likely find that no one will pay even one dollar for the toys and baubles that you spent much more for.

      Lesson: You’ll realize they did not bring you more than a few minutes’ pleasure and you’d much rather have the money now—preferably with interest.

      ALTERNATIVE THEORY: Let’s say you bought something for $100 and you used it a few times each year for 20 years. Then you realized that you really didn’t need it anymore. You couldn’t even sell it for ten bucks at a tag sale and you gave it to the Salvation Army. Some people feel miserable if they lost 100% of the cost.

      Lesson: Another way to look at it is that you used it 50 times and got a pleasure from it for just $2 each time. That’s not so bad.

      In the USA, Individual Retirement Accounts allow tax-deductible investing for future financial security. IRA “contributions” may be made until the due date for filing your return, not including extensions, which is usually April 15th.

      (below) When times are tough it may be tempting to liquidate IRAs and maybe even to cash-in insurance policies to pay your mortgage. Since this increases the equity in the house you will sort of be moving money from your right pocket into your left pocket.

      However, if you need to buy food it’s much easier to liquidate an IRA than to sell a piece of a house.

      Lesson: As I said before, you can’t eat equity.

      Years ago Marilyn and I were feeling cramped in our large condominium home in Westchester County, New York. We bought two nice timeshares so we could escape for vacations on Cape Cod three times a year. Later on we bought a bigger house and no longer felt the need to escape. We also got a dog who was not welcome at the timeshares.

      Even though we seldom used the timeshares anymore we had to keep making annual maintenance payments and paying occasional assessments. We ended up having to pay a lot of money to give away our shares.

      Lessons: (1) A timeshare is a vacation, not a real estate investment. (2) Very often you can have a vacation for about the same price as the annual maintenance fee for a timeshare. (3) There are always vacation deals available. (4) If you really want to buy a timeshare you can probably save money by buying it from an owner or the estate of a deceased owner—not from the timeshare company.

      Many companies offer various shipping options ranging from “early tomorrow morning” to “we’re not sure when it will get there,” at different prices for people with different priorities.

      Some companies also offer different speeds and different prices for actually processing the order (which might include printing or assembly or other custom work).

      I use VistaPrint.com for a lot of printing, including business cards, postcards and T-shirts. On a recent order, I selected their slowest/cheapest method (“Slow 21 Days”). They shipped the order just four days after I placed the order, and I had it three days later.

      Another time, I selected the middle grade (“Priority 7 Days”) and it was shipped the day after I placed the order.

      When I chose the quickest service (“Rush 3 Business Days”) it was shipped the same day I placed the order.

      Other companies do similar things. It’s common with TV infomercials. When you call to place an order, you’ll be offered or pressured