Do As I Say, Not As I Did. Michael N. Marcus

delay applying. I missed the deadline by a few weeks and I had to wait six months for my next chance.

      For me, Social Security was like putting quarters into a slot machine for 50 years and then KA-CHING.

      You can start collecting Social Security retirement benefits as early as age 62, but if you wait until you’re older, your monthly payments will be higher.

      Lesson: You have to guess how long you will live.

      When I was considering renting an apartment in a new building, the rental agent told me that the price of an apartment went up $6 for each floor above ground. A tenant told me that she was told her price would be the same for any floor. I got the agent to waive the fee.

      Years later I agreed to buy a house and selected various options. After we moved in a neighbor showed us cove moldings, window moldings and chair rails that she got with no extra charge. Our salesperson never offered them—even as extra-cost options.

      Lesson: If you are thinking about buying a house in a new real estate development or renting an apartment in a new building, talk to people who already live there. There may be deals or features that the salesperson or rental agent did not tell you about.

      If you are buying a house in a private community or renting a home, leisurely and carefully study all the documents before making the deal. You may find that there are conditions—such as a prohibition against a home-based business or parking a motor home in your driveway—that you can’t accept.

      Years ago an apartment landlord in Queens, New York tried to evict me because I used a barbecue grill on my 14th-floor balcony. He claimed that cookouts violated the lease and were a terrible fire hazard.

      I was pleased to point out that the lease didn’t even mention outdoor cooking. I also interviewed the local fire chief, who said that in the last 40 years in the entire Borough of Queens there was no record of any fire being caused by cooking on a balcony. I published this information in the Tenants Times along with advice to minimize annoying smoke and keep a bucket of water or a fire extinguisher handy.

      After this, the landlord changed the lease for new tenants to specifically outlaw balcony barbecues and he tried to find a way to evict me—but he did not stop my outdoor cooking.

      Lesson: Know your rights and limitations.

      We have an expensive, custom-made cover on our in-ground pool. Hunter, our dog, often walks on it and naps on it.

      After a few years it developed a rip. This was during the winter and I could not have it removed so I temporarily taped up the rip and the tape held until the cover was removed in May. Then I had the cover shipped back to Loop-Loc, the manufacturer.

      Loop-Loc advertises that it makes “the only mesh safety pool cover proven strong and tough enough to support an elephant.” Hunter weighs about 70 pounds. That’s much less than the elephant in the Loop-Loc promotional video so I assumed there’d be no trouble getting a repair under the warranty.

      Surprisingly, Loop-Loc denied warranty coverage, pointing out that the cover is not warranted against “any damage caused by animals (horses, deer, dogs, mice, etc.).”

      I asked about the elephant and was snottily told that elephants don’t have toenails like dogs do and that if my dog was going to go on the pool cover he should wear soft booties. Sure.

      Lessons: (1) If you want a pet that can safely go on your pool cover, get an elephant. (2) Read and understand the fine print.

      By the way, the warranty is described as “Pro-rated.” That may make you think that the warranty was rated by some unnamed professional. In actuality, the term is a distortion of “prorated.” A prorated warranty covers a specific length of time, and the coverage decreases through the life of the product.

      If you buy something with a prorated ten-year warranty and need a repair after nine years, the most you can expect is 10% of the cost. That may not pay for what you need.

      Lesson: A prorated warranty may not be much of a warranty.

      Some years ago my house was burglarized, and among the purloined property was a tool box filled with my nice Craftsman tools. Our home was insured by Allstate. Allstate, like Craftsman, was part of Sears at that time.

      After I submitted my claim for the loss, the Allstate adjuster applied a depreciation deduction formula for the stolen tools, based on their age and presumed decrepitude.

      I responded that Craftsman tools are sold with a lifetime warranty, so there can’t be any depreciation. I told the adjuster that I could take a bent, dull, rusted 30-year-old Craftsman tool into any Sears store and it would be gladly and immediately replaced with a bright and shiny new model.

      The adjuster responded that “everything depreciates except land,” and he gleefully pointed out that “a brand new Cadillac drops 20% in value when it leaves the dealer’s lot.”

      I told Mr. Allstate that I would much rather drive a Craftsman than a Cadillac and I was not giving up and he’d better check with corporate headquarters.

      Apparently there soon was a battle for supremacy in the Sears Tower in Chicago and it was ultimately decided that the image of Craftsman was more important than the profitability of Allstate. I got every penny I wanted.

      Lesson: Do not accept the first offer from an insurance adjuster.

      On the same day in 1977 that I was approved for a $56,000 mortgage I was rejected for a gasoline company credit card with a $250 limit. On another day I received two letters from the same department store—one included my new credit card and another rejected my application.

      Lesson: Credit is funny.

      One time I was surprisingly turned down for a credit card and I got a copy of my credit report to find out why I was rejected.

      Sprint had reported that I owed them a few hundred bucks for cellphone service. I had previously been a Sprint customer and knew that I owed nothing.

      I called Sprint and the rep told me she could not discuss my account because it had been turned over to a collection agency.

      I called the collection agency and was told that Sprint informed them that I owed the money from when I lived in Gun Barrel, Texas and that I had not responded to collection letters sent to me in Gun Barrel. I protested that I had never even been to Gun Barrel nor lived in any part of Texas.

      The rep asked me if I could prove that I never lived in Texas.

      I asked the logic-deprived rep if she could prove that she never lived on the moon.

      I called Sprint again and was told to file a report with the Fraud Department. I explained that the improper report may merely have been the result of an error caused by merging two people’s accounts, not fraud, and asked if they have a Stupidity Department.

      I was told that the fraud folks were in charge of stupidity. I suppressed both logic and laughter and filed a fraud report. A few months later the improper entry was removed from my credit report. A few years later it came back, provided by a different collection agency that had been unable to reach me in Gun Barrel, Texas.

      Lesson: Credit is stupid.

      When I lived in Westchester County, New York I got TV service from Cablevision. I had 14 TV sets. Eight of them were connected to cable boxes which had monthly fees, and six of them were connected directly to the cable, and were not charged for.

      Cablevision insisted that all TVs that were connected to its serviceeven those producing no revenue—had