The Innovative Parent. Erica Curtis

the answer to each of these questions is “Yes,” then it’s probably okay for your children to go ahead expressing and exploring. For my husband, playing with food was a violation of number three, a conflict with his values: We don’t play with our food. However, he forgot to consider the intention behind the behavior. Our son was playing chef (or at least that’s what he decided he was doing after I asked him to pause and consider his actions). He wasn’t just interested in smooshing and squishing his food together. In our family, creating new recipes is acceptable for mealtime. Smooshing and squishing for the sake of smooshing and squishing would have needed to wait until later.

      Let’s look at another example:

      When my son first draws on himself with a marker, my “No” reflex kicks in: “We don’t draw on ourselves, we draw on paper.” I ask myself: But why? Because it’s not okay? Because my parents didn’t let me draw on myself? Hmmm. Not a good enough reason. So, why? Because it violates our family value of looking presentable? But for what? For whom? He’s a kid. We’re not going for family photos. Why then? Because it’s toxic! Safety is a good reason. But the markers are nontoxic. Hmmm. Back to the drawing board. It doesn’t violate any property or person. It is safe. I value self-expression more than I value a marker-free body. I decide that I don’t care after all. Instead of “No,” I exclaim joyfully (and nonjudgmentally), “Look at you!” My son beams.

      But this is not the end of the story. As things go with kids, he takes his experimentation a step further. Thrilled by the go-ahead to draw on his body, he begins to color his face. I decide to set the limit there. Despite being “washable,” marker ink takes days to remove, and I prefer for him not to have a green face for the better part of the week. I buy him a set of face paints instead. “You can draw on your body, just not on your face. If you want to decorate your face, use the face paint.” My son is excited about the face paint, but corrects me: “I wasn’t decorating my face, Mom.” (Insert “Duh!” look here.) “I was making a mask!” I chuckle to myself as I realize I had forgotten to ask about his plan in the first place. “Of course you were! Would you like to make a mask together?” I get out the construction paper, a less messy option for mask making. “What color do you want it to be?”

      There are no absolutes when it comes to deciding when to cut our kids some slack and when to rein them in. It’s okay for you not to allow your children to draw on themselves. Perhaps one of your family values is to have clean, marker-free bodies. Perhaps you’re concerned about toxicity or possible classroom distraction and disapproval. You can decide on a case-by-case basis whether or not there is more room for creative expression and exploration than you may have initially thought. A “No” conclusion also doesn’t have to mean putting the kibosh on creative expression altogether. It may simply mean providing a bit more guidance and containment, as the next section explores.

       Containment

      I present a box of markers to the members of my art therapy group at a school for teens with emotional and behavioral difficulties. I don’t even have the chance to share my activity idea before the markers start flying across the room as the kids take aim at one another. It is chaos. “Stop” will not work. Reminding them of expectations will not work either. They are full of energy and feeling rambunctious (aka defiant). Removing the markers altogether would stop the playful battle but with a counterproductive message: “You’re not capable of handling yourselves.” They are capable of managing themselves; they just need a little more containment.

      I quickly tape a large piece of butcher paper on the wall and draw a bull’s-eye. Several feet back from the wall, I stick a strip of masking tape on the floor. “Line up here!” I call. Then, pointing to the bull’s-eye, I challenge them: “Let’s see who can score the most points.” In an instant, the markers stop rocketing through the air. The teens all line up with their marker “darts” in hand. They wait patiently. They take turns aiming at the makeshift dartboard. They keep score and even root for each other. They enjoy themselves and, importantly, contain themselves.

      When we think about containing children’s behavior, we often cut our options short, relying either on verbal limits (stop, don’t, not okay) or removing them from the activity. While, indeed, removal is sometimes the only option, these common strategies significantly reduce our opportunities to teach children how to stay engaged and expressive in a manner that is safe, respectful, and in line with our values. Containment comes in many different forms. It may include clarifying expectations, offering alternative choices, or providing boundaries, as in the example above. For any of these to be effective, however, the choice of containment must be informed by needs underlying the behavior.

      A single behavior can represent any number of needs, feelings, thoughts, concerns, or curiosities, depending upon the child and the situation. An adult may insist, “Stop drawing on the furniture.” However, changing a child’s behavior requires addressing the underlying reasons for the action: Did she not know the rule? Is she testing a limit? Is she curious about how the marker looks on the sofa? Is it part of her play? Did she run out of paper and not know what to do? Is she angry? If the child was never taught the rule, or needs reminding, a simple reminder and redirection to a piece of paper may be sufficient. However, if the child is angry, reminders alone will not address the issue. She’ll likely scribble on the wall or table next, just to make her point known. In such a case, the anger needs to be addressed also.

      Sometimes we can take an educated guess as to the need behind the action. With the marker-throwing teens in the example above, I had a good hunch that their needs included fun and energy release. They were also testing my limits. The containment of a large piece of paper, a piece of tape on the floor, and a simple set of directions responded to each of these needs: 1) yes, we can have fun, 2) yes, we can get our energy out without throwing things at each other, and 3) yes, I can handle whatever you throw at me (literally).

      If you’re uncertain of the need behind the behavior, try these steps (see fig. 2.2):

      2.2 Identify and address underlying needs

      If the same behavior persists, consider providing containment by making the items in question available only under supervision. The scissors in my house have fallen into that category several times. Over the years my three kids have, at various times, cut their own hair, a pillow, window blinds, the rug, each other’s belongings, and more. The needs behind the actions have varied from “my bangs were too long” to “I was mad” or “I wanted to see if the scissors were sharp enough to cut this . . . and they were!” For repeat offenses, regardless of the underlying reason, you can explain, “I’m going to put the scissors away. When you need to use them, if I’m available, I will get them and sit with you while you use them.” This applies to other materials as well.

       Paint and pencil yield different powers

      “Using markers and paper, draw something from nature,” I announce to a group of teens with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). We are generating images for a mural they will later paint in the school courtyard. They set to work at their desks and voilà! Drawings of trees, flowers, a pond, a volcano, a forest, butterflies, and more. The next week, we brainstorm further. They are given paint and work in pairs to create images of nature again. We get muddy mess, frustration, conflict, and shutdown. What happened?

      Materials have different properties and thus evoke different experiences in the user. Structured materials such as markers, pencils and erasers, rulers, collage materials, and glue sticks tend to be containing. They are less tactile and easier to control. On the other hand, looser materials like paint, wet clay, runny glue, and glitter are harder to control. They tend to be oozy and gooey, sticky, or messy and, like their sensory qualities, can loosen up emotions and impulses as well. Because of this, sometimes the key