The Innovative Parent. Erica Curtis

Long-term goals, on the other hand, involve nurturing qualities that you believe are important to the development of character, such as self-motivation (getting out the door), thoughtfulness toward others (sibling squabbles), and problem solving and collaboration (conflicts over bedtime). These goals facilitate long-term social, emotional, and cognitive health.

      Our methods for achieving our short-term goals need not be out of alignment with our long-term goals—yet often they are. While few, if any of us, would say that our long-term goals are to nurture compliant adults, the fact is that, in the moment, compliance is what we want. As a result, we intervene in ways to achieve quick resolution, order, or agreement. This can put short-term goals of behavior management at odds with long-term goals of character development.

      Luckily, the arts can facilitate both short- and long-term parenting goals simultaneously.

      Returning to the story above:

      Later that evening, I ask my husband, “So, what inspired you to do an art project with the kids?”

      “To impress you,” he jokes. “Actually, I thought learning the different words for characteristics would help expand their vocabulary. But more importantly, I hoped it would help them think about their strengths. I thought it would be good for their self-esteem.”

      My husband’s short-term goals (entertaining the kids) and longer-term values (education and positive sense of self) could be met simultaneously through this creative activity. Here are some other examples: Dancing to the car together (instead of cajoling your child to leave the park, pretending to leave her, or carrying her out kicking and screaming), gets your child to the car (short-term goal) while teaching her that she is capable of positively transitioning from a preferred activity to a less-preferred activity (long-term goal). Making a collage about going to a new school, rather than offering bribes for going or laying down the law, can help decrease morning meltdowns (short-term goal) while providing an opportunity to process difficult feelings about change (long-term goal). It takes some creativity on our part, which can feel time-consuming, but it’s far less tiring than fighting the same battles over and over again. And it allows us to parent today in a manner that is consistent with our hopes for tomorrow.

      While it may feel foreign at first to use creative arts strategies in parenting, these approaches to parenting will come more readily to mind with practice. Even I forget, at times, to turn to the creative arts to help my children (and myself) work through difficult moments. But one thing is for sure: there will be a next time to do a parenting moment better. Make a plan for how to approach a challenging interaction more creatively when it comes around again. This can be easier than finding a creative response in the heat of the moment.

      . . .

       TRY THIS:

      Take a moment now to write down three short-term parenting goals:

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      Now write down three long-term parenting goals:

      _________________________________________________

      _________________________________________________

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      . . .

      As you read this book, keep your short- and long-term parenting goals in mind. This will make it easier to apply the tools with your own unique child.

FIND THE FUN

      Ping arrives to lend a hand after the birth of her second granddaughter and finds that two-year-old big sister is not a happy camper. Routine activities like nose wiping, hair washing, and changing clothes now provoke tantrums. Previously effective consequences and rewards for behavior management are backfiring. This is clearly not sustainable for anyone. Ping concocts a creative plan to address each scenario that leads to resistance. The next day the “boogey monster” (a flying tissue) gets a meal from her nose. The bathtub washcloth becomes a soaking wet hat that they take turns wearing. The pop-up tent contains a magic blanket, under which pajamas are removed and play clothes are put on. Big sister changes her clothes gleefully without incident and proudly shows her parents what she can do. Eventually, she dresses her little sister, too. Fun is exchanged for fuss. Laughter replaces tears.

      Every moment with our children has the potential for being fun—if not memorable—if we don’t take ourselves too seriously, and if we develop a creative mindset. (See the section entitled “Develop a creative mindset” at the beginning of chapter 7: “Tap Into Your Own Inner Artist”). While it’s important to parent with social, emotional, and cognitive goals in mind, it’s also important to simply have fun with our children. Unfortunately, a hyperfocus on achievement from early ages has become prevalent as a result of increasing competition for admission to schools from pre-K to college and fewer employment opportunities, even for those with bachelor’s degrees. As one Harvard study reveals, kids believe that their parents value achievement much more than happiness and kindness (Weissbourd and Jones 2014). And those same kids, taking a note from their parents, agree that achievement is the most important value. While there are numerous social, emotional, and cognitive benefits of incorporating the creative arts into parenting, one of the most fundamental assets of the creative arts is the opportunity they provide for fun and relaxation.

      Like play, the arts can offer both serious rehearsal for life and pure fun. And like play, the creative arts don’t always have to serve a purpose (at least not an obvious one). There’s already so much that consumes the attention and energy of parents that it’s nice to have a creative way to let go. Singing along to the radio, redecorating a room, or bouncing to a beat can simply feel good. As the saying “art for art’s sake” suggests, art sometimes needs no justification. It is enjoyment. It is downtime. It is valuable in and of itself. And because it is valuable for these non-achievement-based reasons, incorporating more creative arts into your home may have some added, unexpected benefits.

      We all need time to de-stress and to unconsciously process information or emotions from the day. Engaging in the creative arts can allow us to do that. When we make art, we can lose our sense of self and time, as we focus intently on the present moment while simultaneously being energized and fully engaged. This experience of “flow,” a term coined by positive psychology expert Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (2013), is associated with increased long-term happiness. What’s more, engaging in the creative arts can simply put a smile on our faces—an often taken-for-granted act with enormous positive mental and physical health benefits (Beres et al. 2011; Kraft and Pressman 2012). Oh, and fun time is also bonding time. We all need more of that, especially in this digital age.

      Specific parenting goals aside, simply introducing, encouraging, and modeling engagement in the creative arts at home fosters happier, healthier, and better-connected kids. I’ve prescribed snapping pictures of eye-catching scenes to shift a teen’s focus from the negative to the positive. I’ve encouraged knitting breaks during homework to curtail anxiety-driven meltdowns. I’ve invited a mother and child to scribble together in order to disrupt their roles as the punisher and the punished. All experienced positive results.

      Simple creative activities that result in laughter (whether scribbling together or dancing around the living room in last-year’s Halloween costumes) can not only bring more joy to family life—they may even boost immunity (Bennett et al. 2003; Christie and Moore 2005). Art that invites judgment-free self-expression, connection, and discovery naturally reduces stress and anxiety and improves vital signs (Stuckey and Nobel 2010). An analysis of 146 studies concluded that expressive writing improves not only immune function but also self-reported health, psychological health, and general functioning (Frattaroli 2006). Art for the sake of fun, relaxation, and leisure is actually art for the sake of health and well-being—for kids and parents.