The Innovative Parent. Erica Curtis

deep breath. Clearly, my words were not enough. Or, perhaps, they were too much. I grab a piece of paper and draw a stop sign. “When someone calls you a name, tell them to ‘Stop.’ And then stop yourself from saying anything else, and walk away . . . [pause] . . . What will you do next time someone calls you a name?” Now I hold my breath.

      “Say ‘Stop.’ Then stop and walk away.”

      Bingo!

      Talking to children is crucial to their development. Groundbreaking research by Hart and Risley (1995) connects higher IQ and academic performance to greater numbers of words spoken by caregivers to children from birth to age three. As children get older, talk remains important for developing vocabulary, communicating interest, setting limits, teaching problem solving, connecting, and more. But more talk is not always better, as the example above shows. Adults tend to overtalk to children, particularly when it comes to problem solving, addressing uncomfortable feelings, and setting limits. Whether or not we care to admit it, our words of wisdom can be ineffective, if not irritating.

      . . .

       TRY THIS:

      In a moment you will read a short sentence. As you read it, pretend that someone is saying it to you. Take a minute to notice any thoughts, emotions, or sensations that arise. Close your eyes if you’d like to do so, and repeat the sentence in your mind. Ready? Here it is:

      “Can I talk to you?”

      What did you notice?

      Now, let’s do this exercise again. You will read a different sentence this time. Again, imagine someone saying this to you and notice any thoughts, emotions, or sensations that arise. Here it is:

      “Can I show you something?”

      What did you notice this time?

      . . .

      Many people experience anxiety or defensiveness in response to the first question, while the second produces curiosity and openness. I see this with couples in my practice. Although intended as an invitation to connect, “Can we talk?” is often met with resistance or defensiveness. Many have learned (starting in childhood) that talking indicates a problem (in other words: “Uh oh. I’m in trouble.”). Even before children learn to tune out talking for self-preservation, they may tune out because it’s difficult for them to absorb too much verbal information at once. Kids can also feel emotionally overloaded. A heart-to-heart can feel intense and leave kids feeling vulnerable. When we talk, we’re playing on our home turf, not theirs.

      Then there are times when we remind our kids to do something, over and over again. When it comes to multiple reminders, children aren’t necessarily tuning out because they are overwhelmed. They don’t listen because, frankly, it’s pointless—more reminders are coming, so why bother now?

      Of course, there are ways to talk effectively to kids and break the cycle of nonproductive communication. There are many worthwhile books that give practical tips on how to listen and talk to children. Yet even with these talk-based approaches, talking as a means of nurturing children—socially, emotionally, and cognitively—still has inherent limitations. Even in my best therapist-mommy moments when I am entirely present and empathic, if one of my children is upset, my verbal attempts are often met with grunts or with running and hiding.

       Words aren’t enough to build connection

      Talking does not guarantee connection. Just as people have different learning styles, they also have preferred ways of connecting. While some people connect through a chat, others prefer physical proximity, a shared activity, or a symbolic gesture, such as an offering of food or a gift. For most children, play and art are the primary ways of developing connection with others. Art making buffers the discomfort that can accompany difficult conversations. It offers a language of metaphor and fantasy to which children can relate. It provides for symbolic acts of connection through gift giving. Art making can be a shared activity. Unlike talking, the creative arts provide limitless ways to build connection and communication with children. (Chapter 4: “Connect First” explores building connection and communication through art.)

       Words aren’t enough to build emotional health

      When it comes to nurturing emotional health, talking also has limits. We’ve all had the experience of not being able to communicate clearly what we are feeling with words alone. Even if we can find the words, we may not feel comfortable sharing them. Other times, we’re not at all aware of how we are feeling. Feelings can elude us. This makes it difficult to communicate them, let alone to understand and work through them.

      Words are also limiting in that they can easily lead to misassumptions of someone else’s experience. While we all have a general sense of what feeling “down” means, my feeling “down” and your feeling “down” may in fact feel quite different to each of us. What if my “down” looked like an overcast day, and your “down” looked like a hurricane? As the saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words. The creative arts can allow kids to express much more about their emotional experiences than words alone can. (For more on maximizing emotional health through the creative arts, see chapter 5: “Raise Happy Kids.”)

       Words aren’t enough to build a foundation of success

      Finally, talking is also a limited tool for educating children, whether we are teaching academics or important lessons of life. The brain is wired more for active engagement than for passive absorption of information (Bransford, Brown, and Cocking 2000). When we talk and expect children to listen and learn, we’re missing a big piece of how they absorb information. There are different learning styles to consider when we think about the best way to teach a child (seeing, hearing, or doing). While some have a specific preference, many children benefit from a combination of all three approaches (e.g., Brown et al. 2003; Dunn et al. 2009). The creative arts provide this. Whether it’s the tactile experience of certain art materials, the physical experience of movement, or the auditory experience of making or listening to music, the creative arts engage the senses to sustain attention, build associations for learning and retention, and develop observation and problem-solving skills in a way that talking and listening cannot. (For more on enhancing cognitive and academic performance through art, see chapter 6: “Raise Successful Kids.”)

      Before we look more specifically at how the creative arts can address our goals of connection, emotional health, and academic success, let’s first consider your personal short- and long-term parenting goals.

KEEP PARENTING GOALS IN MIND

      “Who wants to do a special project?” my husband, Mathew, inquires. He is in charge of the kids for the afternoon and is taking stock of his short-term goals: 1) keep the two older kids from killing each other, 2) attend to the youngest, 3) make dinner, and 4) maybe, just maybe, get some work done.

      Mathew doesn’t like art much. He doesn’t understand it and feels that he isn’t very good at it. To him, art + kids = mess. And yet, he brings out the markers and paper, on which he has printed each child’s name in block letters vertically down the left side of a page. On another sheet of paper are lists of traits and strengths, all starting with letters from their respective names. They are going to make name poems.

      “Here’s what you get to do. Decorate each letter of your name. Then, choose one word for each letter of your name from this list. Pick words that describe you. We will write that word next to the letter.” The kids rush to the table to begin.

      (We’ll return to this story in a moment.)

      Short-term goals involve shaping behaviors, avoiding problems, or de-escalating situations that have already gotten out of hand. Getting your kids out the door in the morning, resolving sibling conflicts,